


Unattainable Endearment Gonkillu

by Punkew



Category: Hunter X Hunter, hxh
Genre: Aged-Up Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst and Romance, Awkward Sexual Situations, Crying Killua Zoldyck, Drama & Romance, Eventual Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Fluff and Angst, Gay Gon Freecs, Gonkillu - Freeform, Horror, Killugon - Freeform, M/M, My First Fanfic, No Sex, Oblivious Killua Zoldyck, Romance, Sexual Tension, Teen Romance, gonxkillua, killuaxgon - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:35:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 20
Words: 88,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26983756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Punkew/pseuds/Punkew
Summary: Secrets are revealed, crushes blossom but pasts come to haunt. And It all starts when Killua Zoldyck stumbles into something he wasn't meant to see. Read and unfold the repetitive drama put between him and his crush Gon Freecss.A seemingly lighthearted fan-fiction.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 28
Kudos: 112





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: This is my very first story, and I don't expect it to go very well but, lately I've had some inspiration and I figured I need to start doing something productive with my life like sharpening my writing skills over the break. Funny enough, school starts in a few days for me and I'm just now making a fan-fiction. Well whatever, I'm not going to waste a whole night's worth of planning a story. 
> 
> P.S please don't expect full-on "sex" scenes in this story. Gon and Killua are Juniors but I still don't feel comfortable with them going so far. However, I promise I'm going to still write some juicy stuff lmao. Anyways let's get on with this first chapter.

Killua's Encounter

The buzzer went off, and the game came to an end. I looked up from my phone as everyone else started to gradually leave the stadium. Our school had won 97 to 29 and we couldn't have done it without Gon Freecss.

I rolled my eyes just thinking about him. But to be honest, I never gave two shits about basketball until that kid joined the team, giving our school nothing but wins. Just looking at the dude has pissed me off so much. 

But he's also so fucking cute. So fucking cute to the point everything he does just bothers me.

He's literally perfect, and if you ask me, that's definitely a good reason to hate someone. Not to mention, I'll never forgive him for humiliating me. We're not exactly rivals, and this may seem one-sided, but I SWEAR he's been trying to one-up me.

He never actually says so, but ever since he arrived since the beginning of Sophomore year, no one been hyped for soccer as they are for a basketball game with Gon Freecss. I swear he's smug about it too.

You might ask why I bother for the soccer team? Well, I'm actually one of their best players, If I do say so myself. I've been playing since Junior high and I'll admit that my games recently have been difficult. The last game we won, but just barely.

I can't really describe it but, there's a feeling that's so satisfying but bitter every time I see Gon win basketball. Sometimes he does it with so much ease and It just isn't fair. How dare he have such talent and a beautiful face?

Okay, fine. Maybe I am a little bit attracted to him. But it's more of a hate thing. Not that any of it matters, that man is straight and he's dated quite a handful of girls. The majority of them were cheerleaders, and they all had light blonde hair and blue eyes. You know how it goes, the stereotypical dumb blonde chick. Matter of fact, he's dating one of them at this very moment, and her name is Retz. 

Another reason why it doesn't even matter is that our school is filled with homophobes who wouldn't hesitate to switch up and cast you aside. Every person who came out of the closet has had to move schools because of how bad people were here. 

And if you couldn't already tell, I'm gay. I've acknowledged this since Junior high. But, to not seem suspicious, I've gone out with quite a few girls before, and I intend to stay in the closet for as long as what's left of high school.

No one has to know of my little tiny attraction towards Gon.

Anyways, speaking of Gon, where is he?

I snap out from my thoughts and scour the whole stadium floor when I realize that almost everyone has left the place. I straighten up to leave and in the process, I accidentally kick a half-empty can of soda. The bubbling drink unfortunately spills all over the row floor.

Fuck, seriously? Who left their stupid garbage on the bleachers.

A string of curse words escaped under my breath. Our basketball stadium was pretty big, but I guess it's not too extraordinary or anything. However, either way, it's going to a damn pain in the ass to walk from the top of the bleachers down to the janitor's closet and back again.

The reason I sat so high up is that I didn't really want anyone to notice me because I went to the game alone. I honestly should've just brought a friend.

I clicked my tongue while walking down the row and jogging the descending steps. If Mrs. Krugar wasn't still in the area and saw me make the mess, I would've just left it since I'm already an asshole. I just know that if I don't clean it up, she'll probably chew my ass out later.

Upon exiting the stadium, I looked around the campus from the entrance and there I saw there were quite a few people still hanging around. Looking down into the left corridor from the stadium, there had lead to the janitor's closet that had all the cleaning supplies. 

At the end of the hallway, I noticed Phinks and Feiten who were apart of the basketball team, and they were walking toward my direction. Phinks had a blonde pompadour on his head, and his blonde eyebrow hairs had almost made it appear as if he had none at all sometimes. 

And Feiten, who had black oily looking hair that was split down the middle, was short. But despite his size, I guess he makes it up with being able to jump high.

Both of them seemed to still have their green and white basketball jerseys on. Our school colors weren't that bad, and if I had to admit, the color green looked very nice on Gon.

"I need to stop having such embarrassing thoughts.." I mumble lowly to myself as I began to walk down the hallway to get the cleaning supplies.

"Yo, Killua! You seen Gon around?" Phinks questions as he walked up to me. He had quite a loud voice and the sudden interaction really brought me back to reality from my thoughts.

It'd been the same thing I was wondering since the game ended, but as if I'd know where he was. I barely even talk to him.

"No what's up?" I ask Phinks who tapped his foot impatiently.

"We're looking for him before we go to the afterparty." He explained while scratching at his neck out of awkwardness. Which was understandable, I've barely exchange any words between them, with the only exception would be at a party.

Feiten behind Phinks had let out a scoff and an irritated eye roll. "Tch. He probably went home with Retz." and Phinks let out a nod in agreement.

I couldn't help but feel a spike of annoyance in my chest at what Feiten said. But I ignored it and gave them both a casual shrug. 

"Well, good luck finding him you two. That was a good game by the way, but I've got to get going." I say to them before continuing to walk off down the corridor. Not bothering to glance back or them or listen to what they said next.

It was a little chilly so I hid my hands into my pockets to warm them up. My social skills have improved since middle school, but I still rather not talk to anyone. All my life since Junior High, I tried to blend in and follow the crowd like livestock. But it was never enough because I did well at what I loved. Soccer. It perked more attention than I wanted, though sometimes I embrace it.

Something that I knew wasn't my business but bothered me for no particular reason, was Retz. Maybe it's just cause I'm gay, but I can't really see what's so great about her. Forgive me if I seem like a dick for thinking that though. 

When the door to the janitor's closet came around, I halted in front of it and gradually reached out for the handle. 

No matter how hard I try, these envious feelings just don't vanish-

A loud thud came from inside and I tensed up for a good moment. What the hell is going on in there? 

....

Upon opening the closet door, I see the last thing I'd ever come to anticipate.

There in front of me, I laid my eyes upon Gon Freecss, and to be more exact, Gon Freecss the straight basketball star athlete kissing a male.

Gon's head snaps in my direction, with pure shock and fear in his eyes. His cheeks were bright fucking pink and his hair all messy. Shalnark, the guy he had been embracing, had the very same expression on his face.

Oh shit!

My eyes widened and I slammed the door shut as hard as I could, before sprinting back down the hallway towards the stadium. Before either of them could say a single word.

Gon's flushed features were stuck, glued into my head like a memory that would never go away. In no universe would I have expected him to wear such an intimate expression with none other than another boy.

So he's gay? What the fuck? What about Retz? Questions like these ran wild through my mind. I was stunned but curious none the less. I wanted real answers, but was it okay for me to get them?

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. 

I glanced at the stadium entrance as I walked passed it towards the parking lot, making no attempt to clean the mess at all. I'd rather get scolded by the old hag than go back there and possibly get confronted.

I jumped into my car and quickly turned on the key to pulling out of the parking lot. Something abruptly vibrated against my hip and I looked down at my phone. Zushi my roommate, had sent me a text to get groceries on the way back from the game.

Might I add I have a roommate? He's pretty alright and he's on my soccer team. But I ignore the text because as anyone could see, I'm clearly in no fucking mood to stop at the store. Should I collect my thoughts or forget about was what I contemplated as I drove the black asphalt roads.

When the familiar gravel driveway that leads to my apartment showed up, I pulled in. The gravel was shitty and definitely needed to be replaced. And as the car was rocking back and forth white traversing onto the bad path, the realization of the situation had hit me.

Slowly, I chuckled to myself. Should I be happy? Why do I feel hurt all of a sudden? Whatever, Gon being gay was the last thing I expected. And if the news went out, it would surely tarnish his "perfect" reputation. If a status like mine had spread the rumor, people would sure enough believe it. 

But other questionable thoughts ran through my mind that caused a vague ache in my chest. How long has he been doing that with Shalnark? I can't help but wonder if they have feelings for each other. Yet it's not even my business.

The view of the apartment complex that I stayed in showed up and I parked at the back. The car door swung open and I stepped out into the chilly cold air. It had already begun to get really cold out. I sigh and breathe out, watching the air turn white like dragon's breath.

Walking up to my door, I slide in the key and step inside. Zushi my roommate looked up at me from the living room couch.

"Hey Killua, how was the game?" He asked while sinking deep into the cushion, while the TV had some stupid cooking channel displayed upon it.

"It was alright. You know the usual.. our school won." I say as I skip right past him to go to the kitchen. We had some leftover Chinese takeout from the day before so I happily opened the fridge to help myself.

Suppose I probably shouldn't tell him what I saw.

The fridge door slammed shut, and I began to hurriedly walk towards my room as Zushi nodded from the couch. He then narrowed his eyes when he realized I didn't bring a single bag of groceries home.

But before he could complain, I had quickly shut the door and locked it behind me, and I set my cold plate of chowmein down before letting myself fall down onto my bed. When the position I was in suited to be uncomfortable, I shifted around, turning myself over to look up at the ceiling to wonder. 

My mind went back to what happened on the school campus, and it was so painfully vivid in my head.

"So he's gay huh..?" I mumbled aloud myself, rubbing the back of my hand against the bridge of my nose as I thought about the incident. 

Before I could think any further, I shook my head to erase my thoughts. It's probably a misunderstanding after all. Yeah. It's best to pretend nothing happened.

"Why should I care about whatever HE does anyway," I growled, emphasizing on 'he' like Gon was unworthy of his name being said aloud. I hoped it'd help convince myself that I wouldn't care, but of course, it doesn't really work...

Heaving a sigh, I shifted down onto my side and then pulled out my phone to check the time. It was 6:24 PM on a Saturday, and thank god. Maybe they'll forget by Monday.

The longer I'm awake, the more I felt tempted to put my mind on the subject of Gon. Why? Maybe I felt like I had a chance now. Wait- no. That's just silly.

Since it's way too damn early to sleep on the weekend, I jumped up from the mattress and walked on over to my laptop. Maybe binging a few episodes of a show will distract my mind. Before sleep took over my system, I binged watched episodes while eating takeout until my eyelids were too heavy to force open.

~*~

The next morning arrives, with a big old smack of sunlight right in the face. I blinked and winced against the overwhelming bright rays that seeped through the blinds. 

Because I was too lazy to close the blinds, I just turned away from the window and stared at the beige apartment walls for what seemed like 30 minutes. Up in the corner, I noticed a few little cobwebs, and mentally, I made a sidenote to dust in my room later.

Suddenly, my phone abruptly began to vibrate beneath me, causing me to snap out of my trance. When I eventually found it in the sheets, Zushi's name showed up on the caller ID and I couldn't help but stifle a groan in annoyance.

"God damnit, Zushi." I murmur out, pinching the bridge of my nose as I answer his call. He's still a pretty alright roommate, but I just woke up and I have a pretty good feeling I already know what he wants.

"Are you still in bed? Jesus christ wake the fuck up. I need you to get some groceries today since you didn't yesterday." Zushi says with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

Hmph, called it. I don't want to get up though. I looked at the screen at the very top to check the time, and damn it's 10:48 AM. I don't recall sleeping late at all.

My eyes rolled as I responded. "Where are you right now, why can't you bring some on your way home?"

"Look, I'm not going to be back tonight. Once I'm done with work I'm going straight to a friend's house to stay the night." Zushi says clearly in a hurry.

What the hell? It's literally Sunday. "Okay fine, anything you specifically want?"

"No, just get everything that we need for this week. I gotta go now, my break is almost over." Zushi doesn't bother waiting for my response and he ends the call.

I heave another exasperated sigh and sit up to glance at my desk to see my laptop opened and a dirty plate. Then I remember yesterday's events.

"Oh yeah," I mumble and get up to grab the dirty plate. Unlocking and opening the door, I stomp down the hallway and place my dish in the sink. Damn Shalnark, I want to know their relationship.

Still a little hazy and tired from sleep, I flinched at the noise of the plate clinking against the metal sink, before walking over to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

I've gotta hurry up and go to the store, plus do my homework. Just so I can spend the rest of the day binging shows. I don't really care about schoolwork, to be honest, I'm smart but I don't put too much effort into school. I just need decent enough grades so I don't have to take over my family's business.

You might ask why I don't want to, well It's because they do illegal underground trading. Like selling drugs, information, porn, and even... well nevermind. You get what I mean though, it's involved with all the nasty stuff I'd rather just steer away from.

And well because of that, I decided to not let anyone really know about my family and background. Definitely gotta keep it that way. I just want a normal highschool life, if people knew all the shit my family was doing then I'd definitely be feared and treated as an outcast.

I quickly put on a basic pair of black sweatpants and a gray sweatshirt. Then I attempt to tame my wild white hair. After a minute or two of trying, I just gave up and checked myself out in the mirror.

"Once again, I look good without even trying. I can make anything work." I say to myself with a cocky smirk.

I'd say I'm pretty attractive. Plus, I'm good at soccer.

I leave and march down the hallway, quickly slipping on some slides. Then opening the door to step out.

The sun's covered by many clouds, maybe its a little chilly. It's nothing too extreme though. I wore appropriate attire for a day like this anyways.

Unlocking the car, I jump in and pull out of the parking lot to head down the gravel driveway.

Suppose it's not too bad. I guess shopping should take my mind off Gon and Shalnark.

I instead think of things Zushi and I need for the whole week.

"Hmm what should I make for tonight.." I think aloud.

Yep. I can somewhat cook. Ever since I moved out early of my parent's house, I figured I'd need to take care of myself. I learned off of Youtube so I'm not like an extraordinary chef. Anyways, I'm sure you can figure out why I moved out early.

Since Zushi isn't coming home today I should just make something quick and easy. So sorry folks, I don't think I'm showing you my cooking tonight.

Walmart came into view and I pulled into the parking lot. It was surprisingly full so I had to drive around until I found an open parking spot. Geez, I seriously hope I don't run into anyone I know here. I'm not insecure I just don't feel like speaking to anyone.

I parked and stepped out of my vehicle.

"Alright let's get this over with," I say under my breath and stroll towards the entrance.

~*~

"Oi Killua! Wake your ass up."

I feel someone violently push into my shoulder.

"Awe what the fuck, what time is it?" I grumble from beneath the blanket.

I look up to see Zushi staring over me from the side of the bed, his lips in a firm tight line.

"Dude it's 7:40 AM. Hurry up and get ready we go to school in ten minutes." Zushi yells in my face.

I groggily get up from my bed and demand, "Weren't you staying at a friend's house? Why're you here."

"I forgot something here I need for school." He rolls his eyes and heads out the door. "Now get up, you're lucky I woke you up."

I began rubbing my eyes as I watched him leave the room. Mmm fuck. I probably should.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and spent all afternoon doing schoolwork. Nothing too exciting. Must've stayed up later than I should have when I was binging some shows.

Jumping up from my bed I walk over to my drawers and begin rummaging through it. Eventually, I then pull out a pair of black ripped jeans and a white collared shirt. It's last-minute, but whatever.

Quickly, I change into the clothes and step outside of my room into the hall. My hair was a little messy, but I didn't have time to worry about it. I patted it down as much as I could as I walked towards the front door.

Zushi already left, assumed his friend took him to school. I think her name was Noko. (If y'all don't remember who that is, it's the girl with orange braids on whale island.) He swears they're just friends, but I don't believe that one bit.

I put on my black scuffed converse and sprint out to the car to jump in. I then quickly back out and get on the road.

On the way to school, I think about the awkward intrusion on Saturday.

Fuck. I forgot about that...

I subconsciously slow down, due to dread for the school day before me.

I take a deep breath to calm myself down. They won't remember it right? Nah, I'm good. I'm sure they've forgotten about it by now. I think as I pull into the school parking lot.

Though maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better.

I park, step out of the vehicle, and check the time. It's 7:56 AM. Thank goodness I made it. Seriously don't want to deal with another scolding. I know already know Mrs. Bisky is going to reach out to me today. Fuck that old hag.

Should probably get to my class quickly. I began walking towards my first class period through a crowd of other students. My first-period class is English by the way, pretty easy subject.

As I make my way through the crowd, I feel someone grab my arm harshly and tug me the other direction.

What the fuck?

I tried to turn and see but there were too many people.

I tried to resist but the person was too strong. So I just gave up, letting whoever it was dragging me away.

I don't remember being so weak.. who is this guy?

When the unknown person and I finally left the crowd, he continued to drag me until we were in a secluded spot.

Only then did I try and see who it was again and..

...

Shit.

There he was, the one and only Gon Freecss.

I back into a wall and Gon grabs me by the collar and places his other hand on the wall behind me, caging me in so I can't escape. I nervously look up at him and he has a threatening but intricate look in his eyes. And I can't help but cower and squirm beneath his dark intent gaze.

Well fuck. Guess he remembered.

Note: Geez my first chapter. Looking back on it from chapter 10, it really ain't that great and I feel like I've definitely improved since. This was edited just a little bit today on September 11th, but I think I'm going to redo it when I have the time.


	2. Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Under Editing

The sudden action was startling, and it sent shivers up my spine, but I quickly regain my composure as Gon traps me in against the wall. I slowly look up to glare at him. He was so close that our faces were almost touching. 

I examined his face, and he had little freckles that dappled his nose and cheeks, which I never noticed before. 

I thought his eyes were just traditionally brown, but the closer I looked the more I realized they were actually much more strikingly gorgeous than I had thought. Layers upon layers of gold and green and hazel. And his scent was like cinnamon and sunshine which had slightly tickled my sensitive nostrils.

Wholey shit I didn't think he could be any more attractive.

My heart starts racing, and my tongue felt as dry as sandpaper. But I had to force my head up to seem assertive. Tch. I hate the way he makes me feel. There's no way I'm losing my cool now.

"What do you want?" I ask in the boldest tone I could offer. 

Fuckfuckfuck, I almost stuttered. 

Gon looks down at me with narrowed eyes and his grip on my collared shirt only tightened. "Don't act oblivious, I know you saw us on Saturday." 

I feel a bead of sweat form on my forehead, but I don't let my expression change. Why does he have to be so straightforward?

"Okay, yeah I did. So what?" 

"I'm beating your ass if you tell anyone, you got that Killua?" Gon says in an hostile tone. Even when he's mad, I can't help but look at his lips. They were full and slick. 

Oh my fucking god why am I looking at them right now.

Gon's far more broader than me, and slightly taller. Fuck, I don't want to admit it but.. he definitely could.

I see how it is now though, he's trying to intimidate me into not spilling anything. Well not like I was going to anyway.. wait. 

I smirk at him with my voice brimming of confidence, "You can't scare me. If you want me to shut my mouth one hundred percent, then help me with my homework from now on." 

Tests are coming up, and if he accepts this deal then I can relax and binge all the shows I want while Gon does my work. 

He probably thinks I actually try on my grades. If I snitch on him I won't get the perfect scores I want, and that'll be the reason I won't leak what happened. That's what he'll probably think. But like I've said before, I'm smart but I'd rather just not do work.

I'm actually not going to say anything either way, this deal's just definitely worth a shot.

I watch him huff in frustration, and I could see he's about to protest. 

"Just until our tests start," I speak abruptly before he could refuse. I seriously hope I didn't sound too desperate there.

His brows furrowed giving off an annoyed look.

I didn't even realize I was holding my breath, just waiting for him to reject my offer. Even though I pretended it wouldn't be a big of a deal if he declined, I guess I actually really wanted him to accept. 

"Fine. My place or yours?" He murmurs surprisingly soft with an unreadable expression. He lowers his grip from my collared shirt and I try to smooth out the wrinkles he created.

I stared at him for a moment until what he said finally registered in my brain. 

"Your place just to be safe, if that's alright..? I live in an apartment and got a roommate." 

If we happened to be talking about the incident and Zushi overheard, that would be a big problem. 

The bell rings, indicating for students to get to class. Finally. It felt like forever.

"Yeah its fine, I've got practice after school though, so you'll have to wait." Gon spoke in an annoyed tone and his gaze grew a little harsh. 

Bipolar ass, I can never tell what he is thinking.

Well time to hurry and wrap this up. "Its no problem. See you later then, Gon." 

I walk past him and rush to class. I felt his gaze boring into my back so I take one last glance at him. Geez, he must be nervous. Hell, I would be too. 

And Tests don't start until a month.

Mmm, I don't know how to feel about this. Going to Gon's house after school every day for a month huh? Well, I guess I did put myself in this situation.

S'ppose I didn't really think this through... 

I subconsciously feel myself blushing so I quickly shake the thoughts away.

On my way to class, I bump into my good friend Ikalgo and we walk together since we have the same class first period, "Ayo Killua, how's your weekend been?" He gives me a smile. 

Ikalgo's a pretty awesome dude by the way. I met him in Junior high and he was the first person to talk to me back then.

You see, I was pretty antisocial back in Middle school. All of my elementary school years I was homeschooled, so I was pretty shy when I first went to school. Hmph, I've improved since then though, but I'll always be grateful for a friend like him.

"Uneventful but alright." I lied.

"Why didn't you come to the afterparty? They would've let you in if I invited you." Ikalgo questions. 

Oh yeah, he's on the basketball team by the way. And he's quite the party guy.

I chuckle, "I just wasn't really feeling it this weekend. I felt like sleeping all day." 

I'm not a boring guy, I love parties just like Ikalgo. But once in awhile I need to just cuddle up in some blankets and watch movies or binge shows.

"Ahh well maybe next time. We need to hangout one day." He says and smiles as we walk into the classroom door. 

~*~

The lunch bell rings and everyone exits their seats to head over to the cafeteria. 

I get my food with Ikalgo and then part ways. He always sits with his teammates at lunch. 

I'm not that bothered by it even though were bestfriends. I trust him the most out of everyone I know but I haven't really come out to him. I would've liked being roommates with him instead of Zushi but his mother doesn't want him moving out yet.

I march over to the usual table I sit at with a few of my fellow soccer teammates, Kurapika, Knov, Jispa, Pokkle, and Zushi. They all seem like pretty genuine people. But I'm not sure how they'd react to the real me. 

"Ayee Killua finally joined." Kurapika grins at me as I set my tray on the table and sit beside him.

"Yeahhh, what'chall been talking about?" I say, seemingly eager to join in on the conversation.

Knov buts in and asks, "Haven't you heard of what happened at the basketball afterparty on Saturday?" 

Ohh some gossip. If it was really anything interesting then Ikalgo would've told me since he was there. 

"No not really," I try seem intrigued but I feel all my attention drift somewhere else.

I glance over at the table the basketball kids usually sit at. 

Most of them sit together including Leorio, Knuckle, Phinks, Feiten, Ikalgo, Shalnark and Gon.. 

Retz was also there, sitting on Gon's right side while Shalnark on his left.

Damn I forgot all about Shalnark. But to be honest, I don't think he has the balls to approach me anyways.

Or rather.. he doesn't need to because he already knows of the little incident this morning. 

I stare at him and Gon who seemed to be having their own conversation outside of the group.

My heart ached just a little bit. I just know Gon likes Shalnark. He's got a cute face and everything. 

Hah, I haven't felt so insecure since Middleschool. These feelings are so hard to tolerate. 

"..and then apparently Uvogin beat the shit out of him." Knov finished.

"Huh?" I suddenly jolt up.

"You know, that's what happened." Knov looks at me with one brow raised.

Oh yikes, now I feel bad for not paying attention.

"Oh yeah yeah." I say casually, trying to play along.

...

As Lunch goes on, I continuously keep glancing at Gon and Shalnark until the bell rings.

I watch the basketball team separate and walk to their own classes.

Subconciously, I left my group and started making my way towards Gon until logic hits me and I stop.

What am I even doing? What would I even say to him? 

I turn back in the direction of the classrooms and facepalm myself.

On my way to last period, I see Ikalgo again.

Oh yeah, if I go see their practice alone, it won't be as weird since It's known Ikalgo is a good friend of mine. I can just say I'm there for him instead of Gon.

"Oi, Ikalgo! You mind if I watch your practice afterschool?" I run up beside him.

I watch him jump from surprise. "Wholey shit, you scared me haha. I don't mind at all, but how come you want to?" He asks while walking.

Guess I didn't really think of that. Well, it's not a big deal anyway.

"Oh uhh, I just don't feel like going back to my apartment right now. Zushi's a little mad at me." 

He isn't but that's the best reasonable excuse I could come with in the moment.

We have different classes last period so Ikalgo nods and waves me goodbye before heading off in a different direction. 

As I walked towards my math class, suddenly out of nowhere I felt a muscular arm wrap around my shoulder.

I tense up and stop right in my tracks. Uhhhh...?

...

"What's wrong? Keep walking." Gon softly says into my ear.

Fuck, is it too late to mention that Gon and I have math class together? 

I feel the nape of my neck and cheeks heat up, but I do as he says and keep walking.

Ok seriously, what's he up to?

"What the fuck is this about." I muttered lowly so only he could hear.

He ignores my question and whispers in my ear, "Why were you staring at me at lunch?"

FUCK, that's a little embarrassing. And he knew it was, why else would he confront me about it. 

"H-huh, I wasn't." I stutter. My throat begins to feel way too tight, and my cheeks heat up even more.

Shit, I think I just made it even more obvious.

His soft warm breath tickled my sensitive ears, causing me to slightly wince.

"You think I wouldn't notice?" He smirks.

I stayed silent and kept walking towards our classroom. As we finally got closer he took his arm off of my shoulders and muttered in a truculent tone, "I'm just teasing you, I don't really give a fuck." 

His somewhat harsh words and tone made me wince.

He walked ahead of me, and entered into the classroom. And only then my heart beat began to slow down.

"Damn you." I hiss under my breath and walk inside after him. Was that really necessary..

~*~

The bell rings indicating that school has ended. Nothing much really happened in my last class, Gon pretty much pretended like I wasn't even there for the rest of the school day. Which I mean isn't THAT out of character. We were only ever acquaintances but I guess I thought it'd be different today.

Everyone leaves the classroom and I watch Gon and his good friend Leorio head towards the locker rooms for basketball practice.

I immediately head over to our school's basketball stadium. Eager to get there while it was empty.

Entering inside, I walk up the steps in the bleacher and walk down a row until finding a good spot to sit. 

There were a few other people on the bleachers including Retz and one of her friends, Neon I think her name was.

I guess she's here for Gon then, huh? I shouldn't really act surprised, and you know I'm starting to feel bad for her. Gon's just using her and she's probably like... in love with him or something.

I begin to feel a little bit giddy. The thought that I know something personal about Gon and that she doesn't.

After awhile the basketball team entered with their jourseys on. My gaze landed on Gon and to my surprise he returned it. 

I quickly look away and pull out my phone to pass time as the athletes started doing laps around the court. 

...

When practice was pretty much over I glance up from my phone and everyone was all sweaty and tired. I couldn't help but look at Gon as he stood at the side, wiping the sweat off his abbs with a towel, and then tossing it aside. He does this at the end of pretty much every practice and game, not that I've noticed and always looked or anything. 

I look away before he could catch me staring and then stand up to leave the bleachers. 

Everyone was exiting the stadium to head to the locker rooms. So I head over to Ikalgo.

"Do you know when your next game is?" 

"Nope. Coach always tells us last minute." He responds as I begin walking beside him.

We get to the locker rooms and I wait on a bench outside. I try to ignore Gon who walks past me to go inside, and suddenly I feel a little bit nervous. After all I'm going to his house soon.

Ikalgo soon comes back in his regular clothing, which consists a pair of baggy gray pants and a red shirt. He then sits next to me on the bench. 

"Sooo.. what happened with Gon?" He asks innocently, catching me offguard.

Hold on.

...

What?

I snap my head towards him, "-What?"

He just chuckles.

"Well I saw you guys talking before school. Did he threaten to beat you up or something?"

God damn, well atleast he didn't hear anything.

I look past Ikalgo and Gon was leaning against a wall in his changed clothes. Waiting for me to finish my conversation.

"Uh.. look. I'll explain another time, alright?" I say as I get up from the bench. "I've gotta go now though, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye!"

I make my way towards Gon before Ikalgo could object. But I can feel him staring at my back. I'm sorry but I don't feel like explaining anything right now. 

Gon and I begin walking towards the parking lot, when he abruptly asks, "What were you guys talking about?" 

Should I tell him that Ikalgo saw us talking? 

Mmm, I suppose so. 

"Ikalgo saw us talking this morning. He asked what that was about."

Gon immediately narrowed his eyes. "He didn't hear anything right?"

"I don't think so," I say with an exasperated sigh, and I think Gon relaxed a bit.

We get to the parking lot and hop into my car. My nerves start kicking in as I am alone with Gon.

I wonder how he gets to school. Does he ride the bus to school and then get picked up? 

"What's your address?" I ask nonchalantly. I'm not gonna let my nerves get the best of me.

"Just let me type it in the GPS."

He holds out his hand, waiting expectantly for me to give him my phone.

Hesitantly, I do so and he types it in and then tosses it back. 

I drive in heavy silence, following the GPS's directions and eventually pull up on our destination.

Surprisingly it wasn't that far. His house was maybe a mile and half away? It wasn't that bad of a walking distance. Maybe that's how Gon gets to school?

Gon lives in a simple, two story house. The house was mainly made of brick but it had a charming red roof and chimney. Not to mention a small wooden porch aswell as pretty yellow tinted windows that gave it cottage vibes. 

I park at the side of the road, and Gon and I exit the car. I follow Gon up the steps of his porch in silence, feeling a bit awkward to be there. He opens the door and lets me in first before getting in and shutting it behind him.

We were automatically met with the living room and I let my eyes explore the rest of the house from the front door. It was all simple but nice. There was some stairs on the right side of where we came in, that lead to the second floor.

"Just go up the stairs right there, my room's at the end of the hall. I need to go wash some laundry real quick and then I'll join you upstairs." He says, almost making me jump from the sudden break of silence.

"You sure I should go first? You ain't got anything to hide like a little jerk off station or something?" 

Gon rolls his eyes and goes into a different room so I begin going up the steps.

Walking down the hall, I stop before Gon's bedroom door, feeling great itching curiosity of what Gon's room might look like. 

I open the door and examine his room. I don't know what I was expecting but It was surprisingly tidy. A neat freak's only complaints would be of the small dirty pile of clothes on his dresser. He had a TV, desk, and a laptop as well as his very own bookshelf. But what really caught my eye was the basketball posters and trophies that were kept on his wall. 

Hah, so he really is a sports freak huh? I guess basketball really does mean a lot to him. I'm not surprised or anything, Gon's just known for being smart and exceeding in everything. I just wasn't a hundred percent sure if he actually wanted to pursue basketball over the many other things he could be serious about. 

My eyes wander to his desk again, there was a stack of papers in the corner, and I assumed it to be some stories and poems he wrote. I get a little curious but I know better than to just snoop around.

I dump my backpack in the middle of the room and flop down onto Gon's bed. I feel all my nerves vanish as I'm engulfed with his scent. I hear the door open, signally that Gon's come into the room and I don't bother looking up. It's too comfy.

"Dude, get the fuck up." I feel Gon as he tries to drag me off his bed but I grab onto the sides tightly so I don't budge.

"Hey, I think you're forgetting that I could leak you and Shalnark." I say as my voice is muffled by Gon's pillow.

"Don't tell me you blackmailed me just so you could lay in my bed." 

I look over at Gon and roll my eyes. So what if I did. 

"At least take off your shoes and show me what you need help on specifically." Gon says sternly.

I kick off my shoes and roll down onto the floor with a thump. Ow...

"Ummmm. I need help on all of the homework for today." I lay my head down on the soft carpet beside my backpack that I carelessly dropped on the floor. 

Gon unzipped my backpack and pulled out my folder that labeled, 'homework.' "You said I was going to help you with it, so get up and do your homework as well." 

"Yeah 'help.' Meaning you do the work for me." I say as I raise my hands to do some air quotes.

Gon merely just sighs and get's to work.

My eyes look back onto his laptop I saw before. "Can I watch some shows on your laptop?" 

Honestly, I don't know why I'm getting so comfortable now. Perhaps it's because of the good mood I'm in. I don't have to do any work now.

"No, Killua."

I groan out of boredom. "Why, you have porn in your browser or something?" 

"It's not that, I just don't like it when people invade my laptop and bed." I look up at Gon and see him glaring down at me, clearly directing his sentence towards me.

I smirk and get up to lay back onto his bed, "You mean like this?" 

Laying on my back, I close my eyes and relax into the warm blankets. When all of a sudden I feel the mattress weigh down and the bed creak, indicating somebody else was getting onto the bed.

I feel two hands pinning my shoulders against the bed. My eyes shoot open and to my surprise, Gon is on top of me. Oh, fuck no. 

My cheeks immediately turn a dark red color and I try to push him off but he's too strong. Suddenly I'm starting to get anxious. Don't tell me I'm going to get raped? 

"What the fuck, Gon? Get off of me." I say assertively, trying my best to not let my voice waver in fear.

His lips curl into a smirk, revealing his adorable dimples. 

"Why're you so nervous? Is it because I'm gay?" He says as the air from his breath hits my temple, causing me to shiver a little bit. 

I squirm and look to the side to avoid looking into his eyes. "No.. t-this is weird. Just get off of me, I-I'm straight."

This WAS weird. But I did lie about the last part. I close my eyes, scared of what would happen.

He sits up and just laughs. "Are you really?"

He continues.

"Did you think I was serious? Hah, touching you in that way isn't even worth having my secret kept." His words were laced with spite as he got off the bed to sit back down on the floor.

Gon's words hung heavy in the air, and It felt like my heart physically hurt. 

This mother fucker. Fuck him. I'm leaving.

I get up and snatch my folder from Gon and then stuff it into my backpack. My blush still hasn't receded. 

"Killua, I'm not done with it yet." He says with a tinge of confusion in his voice.

I zip up my backpack and swing it over my back. "That's fine. I'll finish the rest myself." 

Gon grabs my wrist, pulling me back. "You know I was joking when I did that right? You don't have to leave right now." 

Hmph. He only doesn't want me to leave because he's worried I'll tell everyone about his secret.

I yank my arm away from his grip. "Gon. I'm not going to say anything about you and Shalnark, so relax. I'll see you tomorrow." 

Why am I so angry? Is it because he wasn't serious? But I didn't even want it. Ugh, I'm so confused.

With that, I just leave his house and drive back to my apartment. The blush left on my cheeks still hasn't disappeared so as I go in, I cover my face with my hoodie and ignore Zushi in the living room. I push my way into my room, and then lock the door before crawling into my bed and pressing a pillow against my heated face in hopes of it disappearing.


	3. Plan

It's Tuesday, and I've tried to forget about what happened at Gon's house yesterday. I'm dreading having to go up to him after school because the image of Gon pinning me down was still fresh and clear in my mind.

I think he tried to reach out to me this morning. But every time I saw him in the halls, my cheeks would flare up. So you know.. I've been avoiding him-and also Ikalgo. 

I haven't thought about what I should tell Ikalgo. I can't mention the deal me and Gon made, and I'm just not ready to out myself to him. However, I can't just keep avoiding him. He's my best friend after all. 

I make my towards lunch when I hear some familiar voices in a secluded room. I stop to listen and the voices seemed to belong to none other than Gon and Shalnark.

What are they talking about? I felt a prick of curiosity.

I quickly hide behind the door, careful to not let my hair show in the little window. Ugh, this is so weird, why am I eavesdropping?

"So, for how long is Killua sticking around? You promised to explain this to me. After all, you're not the only one affected by this if that encounter gets leaked." Through the door, I could distinguish the voice as Shalnark's.

Oh so they're talking about me? What a coincidence. 

"He just needs help on his homework til tests start. Which should only be a month from now." 

"How can you be sure he wont say anything by the end of the month?" 

Gon calmly replies, "Look, I don't know. But at the very least it's been delayed."

Geez, they're really anxious about it. I kind of feel bad and I wasn't even going to say anything either way.

"I guess.. anyways, you're coming to the party on Friday right?"

"Yeah, obviously."

"Your Aunt Mito won't be upset if you stay the night afterwards at my house, will she?"

Stay the night? In no way am I letting that happen. My pride won't allow it.

Ahh shit. There's no way I'm trying to attend.

Right?

"Killua?" My head snaps towards the mention of my name, and sure enough, it's Ikalgo. I can't tell if this is good or bad timing. I mean I was looking for him earlier and now here he is.. but...

"What are you doing?" He asks with a brow raised. I must look suspicious as fuck. I mean I'm crouched behind a door for christ's sake.

I bring my finger to my lips, signalling him to stay quiet. I've heard enough so I tiptoe towards him and then grab his arm to drag him away from the door.

Once we get far enough away, Ikalgo turns to me with narrowed eyes as if he was trying to analyze me. "What is this all about? You've been acting so damn weird lately and I'm worried about you."

"I'll explain to you later okay?" 

"No. Killua, just let me know what's going on right now." God dammit Ikalgo, please don't push it.

I gulp in nervousness, and turn to him. 

"I can't say anything, It's not my place to tell you. Please.." I think Ikalgo picked up the faint desperation in my voice, because he had grown quiet.

He stands there for a moment and strokes his chin with his thumb, as if he's in deep thought. 

"You'll tell me one day though, right?" Ikalgo finally asks, breaking the silence.

Oh thank god. 

Eagerly, I nod and gave him the most genuine smile I could muster. "Of course. I just.. can't tell you yet. I'm not ready."

Even if I won't tell him what's going on now, I truly appreciate that he's worried about me. 

"Okay Killua, I understand. But you better stop avoiding me like this morning." He rolls his eyes.

I chuckle at him, "I'm sorry, I won't."

We begin walking back towards the cafeteria.

I'm happy he's so understanding. I really do take him for granted sometimes, perhaps we need to hangout sometime soon. 

Wait, the party that Gon and Shalnark are attending..

"Hey, Ikalgo. You think you can get me in the party on Friday? We should go together." I say as we keep walking down the hall.

"The one hosted by my teammate Phinks? Hell yeah, I've been thinking we needed to start hanging out more." He smiles.

I probably would've gotten an invitation eventually, but It's nice to bond with my best friend. Since I might start getting preoccupied with Gon..

I do feel a little guilty though, the main reason I want to go is because of Gon and Shalnark. But it shouldn't hurt to relax and have fun with Ikalgo while I'm there.

Well I guess it's settled then huh?

~*~

The bell rings, signally that school is over. I stand up from my desk and look over at Gon who was gathering his things.

I've had enough time to be mad at Gon now. Plus, I have two days worth of work, and I don't feel like doing any of it. 

I take a deep breath and then make my way towards him. I'm feeling pretty nervous about this, but I can't just keep avoiding him. I have to get my work done.

Yeah. This is all just cause of me being a lazy ass, right?

"Gon." 

He looks over at me and I struggled to look him in the eye. 

I don't want anyone to eavesdrop, so I get closer and mumble just slightly loud enough for only him to hear. Since no one can mind their own damn business in this school. Ahem.. maybe including me?

"I'm coming over today, I need some homework finished. That alright with you?"  
I make sure to add in the 'homework' part. Don't want him getting any wrong idea, I'm just strictly there for that reason. Yep yep. 

"Yeah. Okay." He whispers back.

Okay.. that was a little bit easier than I expected. God what's happening to me, It's like I've turned into a total introvert.

Gon swings his backpack over his shoulders and we both leave class together. I can't help but wonder how we look to other students. It's too early for people to think of us as two good friends or something. Like those who are definitely not only together because of a silly blackmail. 

As we head to the parking lot, Gon's girlfriend Retz begins running towards us. I felt myself cringe as she latched herself onto Gon's arm.

"Babyyy, we haven't hung out of school for a while. Can I come over today?"

Tch. He's not even into her, but the way she touches him right in front of me is frustrating. I roll my eyes and try not to pay too much attention. 

"I can't today, I'm sorry Retz." He says to her, and I can't help but feel a little relieved. 

She looked up at him with a pouty face, and I had to look away out of cringe. 

When she noticed my presence, she obnoxiously spat out, "What, why? You're going to go hang out with Killua now? Since when have you guys been friends."

I seriously wonder why Gon's "type" is girls like her. Sure, they've all got cute faces. But they're so intolerable.

Instead of answering her question, Gon unexpectantly pulled her into a kiss.

My throat began to tighten uncomfortably, so I had to look away.

Even though he was probably just trying to change the subject, I feel yet another bitter strike of jealousy. God dammit.

By the time they were done kissing and talking "sweet love" to each other, I walked away towards the direction of my car and decided to wait for Gon there. I know he's just "acting" and shit but it still hurts alot. But It's not like it's anything new though. Him and Retz display affection in public all the time and it's seriously irritating. 

While I was waiting in my car, Gon finally came in and sat in the passenger seat. It was too silent as I drove out of the parking lot. But Gon finally broke the quiet atmosphere. 

"Ummm... sorry about that." Gon says apologetically, and began to awkwardly rub the back of his neck.

I grit my teeth. "You don't even actually like her, do you?" 

Deep down, I know this is just a going to be a tantrum. It's not even my business, after all they ARE dating.

Gon just blinks at me and shrugs. "Why do you care?" 

Why do I care? I don't know... or maybe I do. I act all concerned for her just because I want to hear Gon say he doesn't like her. Is that it? I already know he doesn't. But, I can't admit that to him either way. 

"I don't know, suppose I just feel bad for her." I'm in no mood to argue with Gon now.

Thankfully he doesn't respond after that. We arrive, and I'm at Gon's house for the second time. But just like last time, no one else was home. I can't help but think of what kind of people Gon's parents might be. 

We enter inside his house and go up the stairs that lead to his room. My eyes travel to the bed and my cheeks immediately flare up. I awkwardly stand in the middle of the room with my backpack dangling in my hand, in no way am I getting comfortable again. 

Gon notices and sighs while taking my backpack to unzip it. 

"You can relax and lay down you know? I'm sorry for what I did yesterday." He says as he takes out my Homework folder and places it on his desk.

I don't know about that.. but I guess I appreciate the apology.

"Is it really fine if I lay down? You don't like it when other people are on your bed though right?" I lean against the wall, with a brow raised at him to express my suspicion.

Why is he being nice now?

"I don't care anymore, I just want to get rid of this awkward atmosphere. Here you can even go on my laptop for a bit." He unplugs the laptop that was on his desk and then lays it on the bed. 

"I'm going to take a shower before I work on your homework." And with that, he leaves the room to go to the bathroom. Leaving me in his room alone.

I feel a bit more comfortable now that he's left the room. The fluffy warm blankets looked welcoming, so I drop my open backpack on the floor and settled down onto his bed. 

I wasn't going to get comfortable huh.

His mattress is 10x more comftier than the one back in my apartment. I would have instantly fell asleep but his laptop was in the way. 

Openining the laptop, it immediately logged me in. I guess there is no password required. Geez, isn't he worried about his private stuff getting snooped at?

He doesn't seem to have anything to hide so I just log into my Netflix and begin watching some episodes of an anime. 

Minutes pass by and the door creaks open. I look up from the screen to see Gon standing in the doorway, his hand rummaging through his soaked wet hair. He had nothing on except some towels that wrung around his neck and waist. I tensed up, feeling even more blush creep onto my cheeks. 

His hair looked extremely attractive while it was wet and down. The water-saturated his hair and made me realize he had some slightly dark natural green highlights in it.

"I uh.. I forgot some clothes." He awkwardly says as his hair kept continuously dripping water. I finally snap out of my trance and look away to hide my blush.

I nod shyly in response, signally it was okay for him to come in and get his clothes.

He steps into the room and turns away from me to begin rummaging through his dresser. I turn to glance at him, and can't help but find myself watching the water drip down his back muscles. Then my eyes lowered to the towel that was firmly on his waist, and my heart began to beat a little faster.

Gon grabbed his clothes and turned to walk back out the door so he could put them on.

I quickly turn away to not get caught looking at him. Only Gon can make me feel so shy, and I hate it. It's like I'm a completely different person.

I continue looking back onto the screen until Gon comes back In the room, and thankfully fully clothed this time. 

"I'm going downstairs to get something to eat. You want anything?" Says Gon as he leans against the wall.

My stomach began to growl, so I get off the bed and yawn. "I guess I'm a little hungry. You mind if I come with?"

He nods, beckoning me to follow him to the kitchen. I'm a little curious to see what the rest of Gon's house looks like.

As we get back down to the living room, we walk through a small dining room that connected to the kitchen. The table in the dining room was small and round with a white cloth that covered it. There were only 2 chairs, leaving me once again to wonder about Gon's parents. I scour the room some more and then a small wooden table that had a bunch of baby pictures of Gon had caught my eye. There were many pictures, and some included a pretty woman with short orange hair.

I examined a young picture of Gon. He might've been maybe 7 years old in the picture? His hair seemed to be a little shorter back then. He was smiling and looking down at the fishing rod that was in his hands with great care. Maybe it was a family heirloom or an important gift. He looked so happy.. and I couldn't help but feel envious. My childhood was definitely different.

I looked back at Gon who seemed to be staring at me with an unreadable expression. I began to feel a little embarrassed as he might've just watched me stare at his old pictures. I walked back over to him into the kitchen. He just kept silent so I allowed my eyes to explore his house some more.

Just like the building's windows, the kitchen gave off more cottage vibes. The cabinets were a very comforting grayish-green color, and the countertops a standard oak. It was pretty packed with mugs, teacups, mitts, wine glasses, and potted flowers. There also seemed to be a big window to which revealed a garden in Gon's backyard. 

"This kitchen is pretty, I didn't know you had this kind of taste in design?" I say as I genuinely meant it. 

Gon had a surprised expression on his face as if he didn't expect me to be nice or something. But soon enough, his lips curved in a contagious smile revealing his adorable dimples.

"Oh uh... my aunt Mito actually designed most of it. But I guess I helped."

I smile back at him and then walk over to the window to look out at his garden. 

"Where is she now?" I say as I gaze out, trying to figure out what was growing in the backyard.

Most of the plants seemed to be bright colored flowers of different types. But I noticed a few vegetable plants like squash, tomato, and carrots.

"She goes to work from 2:30 PM to 11:00 PM every weekday. She works as a full-time barista." Gon says as he stands in the pantry doorway.

I move away from the window and walk back over to Gon. "She seems like a hardworking person." 

He nodded in response. For Gon Freecss, he's pretty quiet right now. At school, he's always so upbeat and confident. I've always noticed that from a distance away.

I look back over at the table with only 2 chairs, and I'm reminded of what I was wondering about before. I don't want to pry but I guess curiosity can get the best of me sometimes.

"You say she's your aunt right? Where's your mom and dad?" 

Gon goes still for a moment, leading me to believe I probably shouldn't have said anything. 

My smile fades, I never meant to pry on a touchy subject.

"I don't know. What about you, Killua?" Gon finally asks, causing me to tense up aswell. I honestly don't know what to say. 

When I don't reply, Gon continues. "You don't have to answer. But I heard you're quite mysterious."

Do people really talk about me at school? Oh shit that isn't good. Some weirdo might try and deep search me up or something.

Honestly, I really don't want to be reminded of my past. But I guess I've moved on.

"I can't and don't want to talk about it." I avoid his eyes and Gon seemed to understand to shut up.

I walk up to the pantry and had a look inside. He had exactly what I was craving. I pull out a bag of white bread and a jar of Nutella. My mood was a little sour but maybe eating will make me feel a little bit better.

When I was finished making my nutella sandwiches, we both headed back upstairs quietly.

I sat on the edge of the bed as Gon took a seat on his desk chair and finally began doing my homework. We were both snacking in silence until Gon decided to speak. 

"Hey.. uh.. Killua." He turns to face me as if somethings been bothering him. 

I look up from my phone to look at him, but don't reply as my mouth is full from a bite of sandwich.

"I'm sorry for prying, it must've been insensitive of me." He was looking down at his twiddling fingers, which was funny and cute for his size.

I quickly swallow my sandwich to reply, "I'm sorry aswell. I've asked a personal question earlier haven't I?"

Hah. I was a fool for thinking he'd open up and say anything to me anyway, It's only been a day.

Gon playfully chuckles. "It's all good, I get questions about it all the time. But It's nothing the Super Basketball Star Gon Freecss can't handle." 

There he is again, the Gon from school.

I really cant help but wonder how he really feels though.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Gon, can I get your number? I need to be able to contact you, not just at school." I ask nonchalantly.

"Yeah, sure. Give me your phone and I'll type it in."

I give it to him and he starts typing his number in. When he's done he gives it back and abruptly turns towards his desk to continue my homework. And so I go back to entertaining myself for the next 30 minutes.

Gon finally stands up as he neatly places the paper back in the folder.

"I'm finished, Killua." He says as he gives me it.

I get off his bed and stretch. "Alright. I'll be going then. Thanks."

"Yeah. Don't forget to rewrite the answers in your own handwriting." He says as I shove the folder in my backpack. 

I put on my shoes and swing my backpack around my shoulders. "Of course, I'm not an idiot." I turn to look at him and noticed his hair finally dried. It was like he had bangs like me.

Gon sits back down while running his fingers through his moppy hair, and asks nonchalantly, as possible, "so.. see you tomorrow?"

"Uh-yeah." I give him an awkward grin and rub the back of my neck. "Bye then, Gon."

As I leave the room, I could feel his eyes staring into my back. 

On my way of driving home to my apartment, there was only one on my mind now.

The party on Friday.


	4. Angsty Party

It's 9:30 PM on a Friday and I have 45 more minutes till I have to go to the party. I jump up from my bed to get ready and take a 15-minute shower. Then I finally exit the bathroom to find something to wear in my closet.

I need to at least look good enough to pick up a girl since I haven't really gotten laid in a while. Not that girls are really my thing cause-like I've said before I am gay. But you-know.. you can only do so much with just your left hand.

I don't know why, but I kind of feel guilty about it, because of my crush on Gon.

...

Heh. I'm already letting it all get to my head. I go to his house afterschool a few times and now me, a single man is feeling like some unloyal slut. And it's not like he isn't screwing around with Shalnark AND Retz. It's honestly so silly and pathetic. This whole thing is so one-sided.

Shaking my thoughts away, I begin rummaging through my dresser. Yeah well, I already know this is all a bad idea. But I can't cancel on Ikalgo now. 

I settle down for something casual like a pair of baggy black plants and a striped long sleeve shirt. This should be good enough to pick up some cute girl if my plan of splitting Gon and Shalnark fails.

I quickly fix my hair, then put on my all-black converse and finally leave my room. Getting finished by 10:00 PM.

"Hey, Zushi. You sure you don't want to come with? I can't assure you a ride home but the party will be fun." I call to him while walking into the room from the hallway.

The more people I know there, the better. I don't know if anyone is officially going from my soccer team. Kurapika was the only guy who said he might, but it wasn't a very sure answer.

"Maybe, when are you going?" He asked as he was huddled on the couch watching tv while in only a pair of sweatpants.

I pull out my phone to check the time again, "You basically have 15 minutes to get ready. Hurry up and change into something presentable. You can get that Noko chick of yours to pick you up if you get too drunk."

Zushi nodded and jumped up to go to his room to change.

In the meantime, I receive a text from Ikalgo asking me when I'll be on my way. So I give him the same information I gave Zushi. Supposedly, Ikalgo was already there at the Phink's house.

10 minutes later, Zushi finally comes out of his room in some baggy jean pants and a plain orange tee. Alright, It's finally time to go.

We hop into the car and pull out of the apartment's parking lot.

I drive to the address that Ikalgo texted me, and when the GPS finally signals that I have arrived, I park the car on the side of the road and Zushi and I exit the vehicle. There was a two-story building that was supposedly Phink's house. Definitely seems like it could host a bunch of people. 

Since Ikalgo was already inside, me and Zushi walk up the gravel road and open the door. We were immediately met with the loud music and the overwhelming scent of weed and alcohol.

There was definitely ALOT of people. A whole lot more than I expected. I thought it was going to be a little more private, but no there was all kinds of people I didn't really recognize that were from school.

We step in the house and atmosphere is way too overwhelming for somebody sober. Maybe I should get a drink and loosen up a bit before finding Ikalgo.. and Gon.

"Kurapika texted me that he is somewhere here, he ended up coming so I'm going to go and look for him." Zushi yelled to me over the music. 

I nod at him and we both go our separate ways, wandering through the crowd of horny and wasted teenagers. As I wandered around for what seemed like five minutes, I finally stumbled across a makeshift bar. 

My lips curve into a grin as I help myself to a few shots to get all nice and loose for the environment. When the next thing I know Ikalgo comes out of nowhere and wraps his arm around my shoulder-already drunk and giggly.

"Ayeee, Killua. I knew you were headed for straight for the shots." Ikalgo slurs. He already seems drunk as fuck. His white shirt was all rumpled and stained with beer, and his usual neat and tidy red hair was all messy.

I smile and laugh at Ikalgo. "Wholey shit, how much have you had to drink already?"

There was a person waiting on us to get something to drink so Ikalgo and I get out of the way, and oh my god did he almost fall. 

"Uhhhhhmmm.. that was way too early in the night, I can't remember now." He laughs and offers me a water bottle. "Here you can have the rest, It's all straight vodka." He playfully winks at me.

While taking the bottle from his hands, I ask, "You got yourself a ride home dude?"

I'm worried for Ikalgo. I've got myself covered because Pokkle, one of my teammates offered to give me a ride home tonight. 

"Yeah, no worries. One of my teammates-his name is Chrollo, didn't come today. He volunteered to give me and the rest of the boys on the basketball team rides home."

The alcohol started to finally take effect and we started chatting for a while and enjoying ourselves until I realized I almost forgot the reason I was there.

I lean down towards Ikalgo's ear so he could hear me over the loud ass music, "Ikalgo, I'll meet up with you later. I've got something I need to do."

He pouts at me as I duck out of his grasp and grab a whiteclaw from a nearby cooler before wandering back out in the crowd. 

The music is pounding and the space between people is nonexistent. There was a lot of people I didn't know. But I think once in awhile I spotted a familiar face or two.

People left and right kept accidentally bumping into me and I start to feel a little delirious.

I look around trying to find Gon and Shalnark when a girl brushes up against me.

She had black short hair with bangs and was wearing a little croptop and some low rise jeans. She'd definitely would be my type if I was into girls.

"Oh heyyyy, you look familiar!" The girl looks up at me with a friendly smile.

"Oh yeah-I'm Killua, from the soccer team." My voice slurs a little and I take a sip from the whiteclaw I grabbed earlier. Since I am one of the best players on the team, I do get a bit of recognition from people I don't know.

She opens her mouth awkwardly, as if she's dumbfounded, "Ohhhh foreal? Well hi again I guess- I'm Shizuku."

Hmm never heard of it. But she's pretty cute...

We were talking for a while and under sober circumstances, this would've been awkward as fuck. But we both seemed to have had alcohol in our systems and managed to carry our conversation in random sloppy sentences.

It'd be so easy to take her home right now, maybe I'll do that later. She was quite an interesting person but I've just remembered that I still have got something to do.

As Shizuku was talking to me, I eyed the room trying to find Gon out in the crowd. Where the fuck is he? 

"Hey can we walk around the house a bit?" I say nonchalantly as I take another sip of the whiteclaw. I think I might've interrupted her while she was talking, but I need to stop wasting time and start actually looking for Gon.

"Um yeah sure." She smiles up at me and I quickly slam my drink before tossing it aside. I decided to save the vodka til later. 

We walk around the house, occasionally stumbling and getting bumped into. Overwhelmed with alcohol, some girl even ran up and hugged my waist while crying like she's had too much to drink. It was a real piece of work trying to get her off me.

As I pass the living room, I hear a certain someone's familiar voice having a heated argument about basketball. I snap my head in the direction of- you know it. Gon's voice. He was talking with his basketball buddies, including... Shalnark. 

I scrub my face with my hands, trying to make myself more sober. Maybe it wasn't a very good idea to get all drunk before finding him. 

"Hey um, Shizuku.. yeah uhh I've got to talk with a 'friend' of mine. I'll see you around maybe, 'kay?" I bite down hard on the friend part. I'm not really sure if we are.

With that I leave Shizuku behind, I'll just find her later and take her home if all doesn't go well. I swallow my nervousness and walk up to Gon who was laughing with his friends. 

Without thinking, my arm reached out to wrap itself around Gon's shoulder, catching him by surprise. "Yoo, Gon. Didn't know you'd be here." I lie while clenching my teeth. His basketball teammates grew silent for a second. It would've been unbearable if there wasn't any music playing and the constant people pushing their way around. 

Gon looks down at me and I've never wished to be taller in my life til now. "Uh yeah.. what are you doing here?" 

My cheeks began to heat up. I couldn't tell if it was from the alcohol or not. "M' here with my buddy Ikalgo. You're not the only one who parties, y'knoww?" My voice annoyingly slurred, and my arm still clung to his shoulder. 

With my other hand, I ran my fingers through my hair while looking up at him with a playful smirk. "Oh yeah, you should c'mon and do a shot with me, Gon."

Knuckle, one of Gon's good friends suddenly blurted, "Since when have you and Killua been friends? Thought you didn't like him." I lower my arm off of him. Umm?

I look up at Gon and he started to visibly sweat. Knuckle's drunk ass insisted to continue rambling on.

"Yeah, haha. He's literally said soooo much shit about you. It's honestly such a surprise y'all are just buddies now eh?" 

Stunned, I couldn't say anything. 

"God, just shut the fuck up Knuckle. It's none of your fucking business." Gon dangerously raises his voice and snaps at Knuckle, causing him to earn a few stares from the people around us. I snap out of shock and felt some tears that threatened to spill out of my eyes.

I have to get out of here before I embarrass myself anymore.

At this point I'm not even sure how to feel. 

I mumble unsure if I spoke loudly enough for Gon and his friends to hear or not. "Uh nvm Gon. I'll just be on my way then." I turn, pivoting myself away and disappearing into the crowd before they could say anything else.

I thought I vaguely heard Gon say my name but I shake it off as it's probably just the alcohol making me hear things. My heart began pounding and some tears began leaking. I had to cover my face with my bangs so nobody would see the mess I was. 

God fucking damn it. It's not like I hadn't known all along. 

I bump into some people I recognized but ignored everyone as I was just eager to get into a secluded spot. I found some stairs that lead to the second floor of the house, so I stomp my way up them and thank god there was much less people on this floor. 

Down an empty hallway, there was an unoccupied bathroom to which allowed me to sulk in peace. I walk in and shut the door behind me, muffling the playing music. 

My face hurts from holding in my tears, and I can no longer hold it in. Water began continuously running down my cheeks with no sign of stopping.

Looking into the bathroom mirror, I realize I look like a fucking mess so I splash my face with cold water.

God fucking damn it, I've never felt so humiliated. You know what, I no longer even care about Gon and Shalnark. They can fuck each other all they want and I won't care anymore.

The floor looked comfortable so I settled myself down and leaned against the wall. 

I feel oddly sober now.

Looking down, I remember I have the vodka that Ikalgo gave me earlier and it looks way too tempting.

I drink the rest of the bottle, eager to get drunk again so I don't have to deal with my thoughts right now.

I'm so done with this stupid fucking deal. I can't be hanging around and catch even more feelings for someone who just hates me. This isn't even healthy on my part, yet It's my fault. 

I've got to end this soon. 

When I'm finally done crying, I rub my eyes and let out a heavy sigh. My throat hurt from all the sobs I let out.

I can't stay here any longer.. 

My hands fumble for my phone and I check the time. It's 1:18 AM so I dial Pokkle, my teammate's number. When he doesn't answer, I call again and again. It starts to become clear that he isn't going to pick up, so I throw my phone across the bathroom and it hits the wall with a loud crack.

I tucked my knees in and I think I was about to fall asleep right then and there on the floor, but the door swung opened revealing Gon. He looked down at me in surprise.

I jolt up and rub my eyes in a panic to hide the puffiness from crying. 

"Killua! there you are, I was trying to look for you.. why're you sitting on the bathroom floor..?" He says as he steps into the bathroom.

He crouches next to me, causing me to swallow tensely.

My heart started pounding but I smiled weakly at him, "Uh.. nothing I just got a little too drunk and needed a quiet place to sober up." I hold up the empty water bottle that reeked of vodka. 

Why is he here... did he actually try to follow me?

It gets quiet, and Gon's stare roams all over my face as if he was looking for something. I gaze down at my hands nervously like I was squirming under his gaze.

"You need a ride home?" He softly asks.

I look back up at him in surprise. "I didn't know you had a car... But what about you, are you not too drunk to drive?"

Gon looks up at the bathroom ceiling. "Ummm. No, I don't have a car, I was actually hoping to use yours. I was thinking I could drop you off and then maybe you can get it back somehow tomorrow morning.."

He then sits down in a more comfortable position and continues. "Oh, and no. I'm not that drunk. I've had a few shots but I'm sober enough to drive. I had already planned to go home a little early tonight and go to bed anyways."

Going to bed early huh? He's just purposely leaving out the fact that he's going to sleep and probably hook up with Shalnark tonight.

I nod at him quietly and I can't help but wonder.. why is he here.. there's no way he just came in to give me a ride. Gon wouldn't do that for me.

"Gon, why were you looking for me?" I ask, hoping to seem annoyed. But instead, the tone of my voice came out soft and gentle.

He averted his eyes like he was nervous. "I just wanted to apologize. What they said was true.. I did use to say those things.. but til recently I've felt differently." 

He turns and gives me a genuine smile, revealing his charming dimples once again. "I'm sorry about that, Killua."

My lips curl like his smile was contagious. I guess I feel a little bit better now. Just.. maybe this deal can go on for a little bit longer...

"It's no big deal.. I forgive you.. I guess." I mumble and as an annoying faint blush appears on my cheeks.

Gon doesn't say anything, but I could tell he was still smiling. I close my eyes and lean my head back against the wall again.

The bathroom grew quiet except the dull roar of the party that can be heard downstairs

Suddenly, I feel a comforting hand touch my forehead and then slide down to feel my cheeks. I was so drunk that I didn't try to pull away. I liked the sensation.

My eyes flicker open and I look over at Gon who looking at me with a pink tint on his cheeks. I think this is the first time I've ever seen him actually blush, because of me.

"You're uh.. burning up." He murmurs, biting his lip as he continued to touch my face with the back of his hand.

When the realization of what he was doing hit me, my neck and face flushed with heat again and I quickly looked away so he couldn't see.

He removes his hand from my face and stands up from the bathroom floor. "Let's get you home, okay?" He says while offering his hand to me.

I look back up at him and grab onto his hand and he pulls me up. I'm incredibly tipsy and I had to hold onto Gon to avoid falling over. He chuckled at my clumsiness and gives me another gorgeous smile.

Oh my god this isn't good. I'm really going to fall in love with this dipshit.

I quickly grab my phone before we leave the bathroom and sure enough, the screen is cracked. Oh well, I'll just have to get it fixed soon.

Gon helps me down the stairs that lead back down to the first floor. The party was still full and crowded so he grabbed onto my hand and lead me through the crowd so I wouldn't lose him. I shivered at the touch of his rough hands and hoped that my own weren't too sweaty.

We finally get out of the house and he lets go of my hand. I wanted to protest but I know it'd be a little weird. 

When we get to my car I explore my pockets for my keys. I grab them out of my back pant pocket and begin fumbling with them to unlock the car.

We get in and I sit in the passengers seat and lean my head against the window feeling absolutely exhausted. 

It's silent as Gon drives back to my house which takes 15 minutes. When I see the familiar gravel path that leads up to the apartment, I sit back up and get ready to leave.

He parks in the parking lot and sits back in the car seat. "It's fine if I drive myself home right? I can drop your car off in the morning and then get picked up by a friend."

Once again I feel a little jealous. Going home right? Bullshit. I don't want him to use MY car to go to Shalnark's house to fuck him.

"Why not spend the night here?" I abruptly say before thinking.

He blinks at me repeatedly like he hadn't expected me to say that. "You want me to stay the night?"

My eyes widen when I understood what I said. "No- Wait- Yes.. I just mean like it'll be easier on me if you just spend the night and then I can just drop you off in the morning." I pinch the bridge of my nose in embarrassment.

"I don't know about that, Killua." He mumbles.

"You said you were going home to sleep anyways, just spend the night, S' no big deal." I encourage him. If that was all he was really doing there wouldn't be a problem for him to just sleep over.

There was a good moment of silence until he sighed in defeat.

"Okay, fine." He answers as he exits the car. 

I get out as well and have my apartment keys ready. I don't see Zushi's car so he must still be at the party.

I unlock the door and push my way through, with Gon following closely behind. Once inside, I kick off my converse by the door and make my way towards the hallway.

"You can either sleep on my bedroom floor or the couch in the living room. But it might be weird if Zushi sees you first thing while getting home." I call to Gon from the hallway that lead to my room.

I open a closet door and pull out some extra blankets for Gon when I hear him speak. "I'll uh.. sleep on the floor then. I don't really feel like making up some excuses."

Gon comes into my room and I lay some blankets on the ground.

I guess the thought that Gon was still sober had slipped from my mind because when I was done making his bed, I had stripped down to my boxers without a second thought.

Gon made a small quiet noise but I didn't think much of it and crawled into my blankets.

He didn't say anything and as he turned the lights off, but I could hear him adjust himself under the blankets.

I don't know what I was expecting to happen tonight, but Gon giving me a ride home and then sleeping on my floor was the last thing I was thinking.


	5. Aunt Mito

Morning arrives with a side of a horrible throbbing headache. The blinds were open so the harsh sunlight pooled into the room.

"Jesus christ.," I grumble aloud as I sit up and rub my head in hopes of subduing the intense pain of a hangover. I look away from the window to shield my tired eyes from the intense sun when I noticed the large sleeping body of Gon, who was sprawled out on the floor and covered in my blankets.

That's when the memories of the party last night began to come back to me. I remembered the humiliation I felt, and the time where Gon and I sat together in a secluded bathroom and how he's brought me home and I convinced him to stay the night. 

He drove me home... wait.. he was sober the whole time..

Ahh god damn that's embarrassing... but...

My cheeks grow red as I rub my forehead in remembrance of Gon's touch. Looking down at him on the floor, his face was buried in my spare pillow I gave him last night, his hair was all messy and his big plump lips were barely parted, plus wet with some drool that was escaping his mouth. 

I cant help but crack a smile looking down at him. Who would've known that Gon was still attractive even while drooling in his sleep.

Yet somewhere in the back of my mind, a little voice had said 'Shalnark knows.' I grimaced at the thought of Gon sleeping with Shalnark in his bed. That was probably what was originally going to happen this morning. But here is Gon, sleeping on the floor in my room. But he still isn't mine.

Pulling out my phone, the time read 9:35 on a Saturday morning. Last night was quiet, and Gon never mentioned a time where he might've had to wake up at a certain time and go home. My body felt bare, so I looked down at my bare thighs to realize I was pretty much naked, save for the boxers I had on. 

My brows knit as I realized I must've stripped down in front of Gon last night. As if I haven't embarrassed myself enough already...

I was about to get up from my bed to change when suddenly Gon let out a big yawn signally he was waking up. I jumped back under my covers to hide my exposed body. His eyes blink open and meet mine with a soft and unfocused look.

My neck and face began to flush up as I watched him let out a soft groan and stretch his limbs. "Mmm.. what time is it?" He asks in a rusty voice and that alone, made me feel goosebumps.

I rest my chin on my pillow and respond, "'round 9:40, I think.. what time do you need to be home by?"

Gon scrambles out of the blankets on the floor and sits upon his knees, his shirts and pants were all wrinkled so he seemed to still be wearing the clothes he was in yesterday. 

"There's not necessarily a time I have to be home, but the earlier I'm back the better. My aunt Mito finally has her day off today." He pulled out his phone and began checking his messages.

If that's the case, then I need to hurry up and change into some clothes so I can bring Gon home. 

"Hey umm.. Gon. Can you turn around please? I've got to put on something to wear." He looked up at me from his phone and then after a moment I think he realized I was pretty much naked. A faint pink tint appeared on his cheeks as he muttered an "mhm." and turned around.

I would've just temporarily kicked him out of my room, but I don't know if Zushi was home or not. It's probably better if he doesn't know that Gon slept the night because I really don't feel like coming up with an excuse.

Hesitantly, I took off my blanket to leave the warm bed, and my skin shivered against the cold air. I made my way towards my dresser to quickly find some clothes. When I crouched down to rummage through all my pants, I thought I had felt Gon's gaze boring into my back. I twitched at the remembrance that my scarred-skin was completely exposed. I've changed in the locker rooms multiple times without care but the thought of Gon looking at my scars made me feel all bothered of what he might think. 

You might ask why I have them..? Well, that's a story for another time. When I turned around to look at Gon, he was still on his phone with his back facing me. Relief washed over me. Maybe it was just my imagination. 

My face grew a little red from the awkward quietness but I proceeded to search through my clothes til eventually settling with a black turtleneck and a pair of purple pants. 

"I'm done now." I call to Gon and he turns back towards me. 

He looks me up and down before asking in a quiet voice that sounded a little shy, "Killua-.. do you want to come over and meet Aunt Mito? She's found out that you've been coming over so she wants to meet you.. plus we can get your weekend homework out of the way."

I blink at him. Huh?

"You don't have to or anything but um., she found out cause we have security cameras outside our house and she looked at this week's footage recently." He rubbed awkwardly at his neck as if he was a bit embarrassed.

No doubt was I feeling itching curiosity to meet the woman that probably raised Gon.

And so I grab my backpack off my desk and walk over to the door. "Sure.." I murmur to him.

Gon bites his lip as he started to get up from the floor. "Are we leaving now?"

I nod at him and open the door. "Hold on, I've got to make sure Zushi's sleeping." 

Zushi's room was located a little bit farther down the hall that lead into the living room. I tip-toed down to his room and opened the door slowly to be as quiet as possible. Thankfully he was fast asleep. 

I look back down towards my room and Gon was waiting patiently at the doorway. I signal him to come over and he makes his way towards me as noiselessly as he can, which looks kind of funny.

When we get to the front door we slipped on our shoes and ran out to my car. When I slammed myself in the drivers seat, I finally let out a big sigh in relief. 

Gon enters into the passenger side and we both started laughing as I began to drive out of the apartment complex. 

"That would've been a real pain in the ass if he was awake." Gon chuckled as he looked out the window. 

I smile at the gravel road before me. "Yeah, next time we'd better plan beforehand." 

He looked up from the window to look at me, "Next time?" He said in a seemingly playful manner but something about it had a hint of pensiveness. 

Ah shit. I didn't give it too much thought. This is probably just a one time thing. I had just got lucky and that was it.

"I didn't mean it like that." I say in an awkward tone as my smile faded. 

Eager to change the subject, I ask Gon, "What's Aunt Mito like?"

He swiped his chin with his thumb and furrowed his brows like he was thinking. "Well like you've said before, she's definitely hardworking. As I was growing up she's always been pretty strict but of course she is the most caring person I know." His lips had automatically curled up from talking about her. I could tell she was a very important person to him.

But as he was growing up huh? My mind goes back to his parents, but I know better than to pry this time. 

The familiar brick building that was Gon's home came into view, so I pull the car over. We exit the vehicle and then I follow Gon up the steps. I've been over quite a few times, itd be no big deal anymore. But today I meet his Aunt. I feel just as nervous as I was on Monday when I came over for the first time.

Gon quietly opened the door as if he wasn't trying to alert anyone that we were coming in. He was about to drag me up the stairs into his room when the same short oranged hair woman I had recognized in Gon's photos stepped into the room. 

Her eyes met mine, and when she realized I was probably the boy in the security footage, her face had lit up. 

She ran forward to greet me, "Oh my, so this is him? What's your name??" She asks with a big smile on her face. It reminded me of Gon's.

My face flushed as it was unfortunately rare for me to have this kind of genuine interaction from an adult. "I'm-uhm Killua," I murmur softly, a little shy. I looked over at Gon who was leaning against the wall and shifting awkwardly.

"That's such a cute name! It's really nice to meet you." She gave me one last charming smile before looking over at Gon with a stern look on her face, "You, go to your room and change. Your clothes are all wrinkled and dirty!"

Gon nodded quickly without saying anything and disappeared up the stairs, leaving me and Aunt Mito alone. 

"Are you hungry? I'll make you something to eat." She sweetly asked but before I could respond she was already walking towards the kitchen so I had to follow her. 

She pulled out a chair at the small round table, waiting for me to sit down. I set my backpack down and take a seat as she went into the kitchen to get some food for an early lunch. 

Gon soon came back into the room in a plain white tee and a pair of baggy jean pants. He took an extra chair from the kitchen and sat at the table beside me. 

It was a little awkward at the table until Gon finally spoke quietly, "ahem, sorry she can be a little straight forward sometimes." 

Just like you, Gon. 

"It'suh fine, she seems like such a sweet person." I splutter out and that causes Gon to display a faint smile upoun his lips.

Mito had came back with some tea and banana bread and she set it down onto the table. "You guy's have to study right? You can bring this upstairs with you." 

"Thank you Ms. Freecss-"

She leaned down to grab my hands and give me another one of her nice smiles, "You can call me Aunt Mito. I really am happy to meet you, Gon doesn't bring guests over that often."

I don't know why, but hearing that made me a little happy. I feel a little special...

But of course, I'm quite a pessimistic thinker... it still doesn't mean Gon hasn't gone through this before with Shalnark. I'm starting to hate my own thoughts so much, every nice moment I have with Gon, Shalnark just HAS to come to mind doesn't he.

"Y-yeah it's nice to meet you too." I look over at Gon and he averted his eyes and got up from the table. 

"Mito, we're going to go upstairs now. Thank you for the food." He says as he grabs the cups of tea and the plate full of banana bread. 

I pick up my backpack while getting up from my seat and follow him as we make our way to the stairs.

"Killua How long are you staying for? You should stay for dinner today." She yelled from the dining room as we were halfway up the stairs.

I pause my movements to reply back to her, "I don't know, I'll think about it. Thank you!" 

We get into his room and Gon sets down the plate and cups. He then sits back into his desk chair and holds out his hand like he's waiting for me to give him my folder.

"I really like your Aunt." I say as I unzip my backpack and hand him my homework. 

"Mmm that's good to hear I guess." He opened the folder and started to get to work.

Like usual, I kick my shoes off and take my place on Gon's bed. "Does she know anything about the deal?" I ask nonchalantly as I rest my head on his pillow.

He just shakes his head and snorts, "She doesn't even know I'm gay." 

I look over at him in surprise, That's definitely unexpected. 

"Why haven't you told her..?" 

He grew still for a moment as if he was debating with himself if he should tell me or not. 

"You sure are nosy." He finally says with a sigh and continues on with my homework. 

I grab the plate of banana bread and begin eating. Damn Aunt Mito's baking is delicious and she's such a sweet person. Gon's so lucky to have her as a parent figure. 

The only time I've ever met an adult as kind as Aunt Mito was when I got a counselor back in Middle school. She was a huge help for my social anxiety back then. I wish my mom was more like my counselor and Aunt Mito...

I grimaced at the thought of my mother and shook my head to erase my current thoughts.

My eyes wandered to the desk, and I see the same stack of papers I've been seeing forever everytime I came over. I'm so curious to see what he writes about. 

I swallow the last piece of banana bread and make my way over to the side of his desk. I get down onto my knees and rest my head as I look at the stack of papers. 

"Gon. What do you write about?" I ask as I stare at the papers which had tons of text on them. When I looked back up at Gon he had an uncomfortable look on his face. God, there's so much I don't know about him. He's shut me out so many times. 

"I.. well.. you can read one since.. you already know.." he scratched the back of his head and handed me one to read. He had an unreadable expression on his face. 

Wow.. this really is a chance to learn something new about him.

I look at the paper, and it turns out to be a little poem. My eyes scour the page and I could feel Gon nervously staring down at me like he was waiting for my reaction. The poem intensely expressed Gon's fears and feelings of coming out and being gay. It's so astonishing how he just seems so vulnerable in his writing.

I've never felt so shitty in my damn life. I've forgotten that I had blackmailed him for something so personal. And to make matters worst, he's a person with so much to lose. 

"This poem... It's really good. I would have never guessed that you would write things like this." I say as I genuinely meant it. It's like I have forgotten that I'm not the only person whose got shit to deal with. And to think I should've understood from the start, as I'm in a similar situation. But I just never gave it much thought have I.

I looked up at Gon and his eyes resembled a sky latern. They were warm, soft colored and lit up from the compliment.

"Thanks-" he coughed like he was still a little bit embarrassed.

"You seem to have your poems out in the open everytime I come over, if Mito doesn't know then aren't you worried she'll read them?" I ask. I still don't know why he'd hide it from her. She seems so accepting.

"She knows better than to snoop through my stuff." 

I nodded indicating I understood as I let my eyes wander his room again, to try and find something to comment on and engage another conversation.

~*~

Hours seemed to pass by with just Gon and I talking. He opened up quite a bit but with nothing too personal, he was just talking about his passion for writing and basketball, how he's torn between the two. Gon didn't want to talk about only himself, so I had shared a few interesting stories about soccer. Oh and yeah before I forget to mention, I managed to get this guy to go to my soccer game on Thursday. I was pretty nervous asking because I was just waiting for him to immediately shoot my offer down. Hope he hasn't been thinking I'm too forward.

But anyway, I had distracted the poor guy so much that I don't think he did alot of my homework. Usually when I'm over, its mainly quiet between us besides a few comments I'd make here and there. Anyway, I ended up staying a little late and I had dinner with him and Aunt Mito. She cooks really good food, she made some homemade ramen and It was pretty delicious. 

After dinner, I went back upstairs with Gon, so he could finally finish up on my homework without any distractions, and then I could get back home. That was the original plan but...

"Sooo uhm, Killua. Do you have your history book in your backpack?" He asked as he looked up at me from the chair he was sitting in.

I look through my backpack and when it wasn't there, I had facepalmed myself. God damnit I was sure I didn't leave it..

"I left it at school... And hey, you're just finally working on my history homework now?" 

Gon rolled his eyes. "It'd all be done hours ago if you hadn't been distracting me with questions." He leaned back a little farther in his chair, and continued nonchalantly with a devious grin on his face, "But anyway its' no big deal, why don't we just get it right now?"

"What do you mean? We're not allowed on campus on the weekend, especially with how late it is." I blink at him. There's no way he wants to sneak onto school campus, right now?

"You know, Killua. I thought you were a fun person to be around." He says with a teasing smirk on his face. Tch, this asshat.

I sit back down on his bed. "You mean you want to sneak in and grab it? You know it's not a big deal I can just get it back on Monday." It'd be completely unnecessary to risk getting in trouble for some stupid history book.

"I see, you really are no fun. 'It's not about your book it's about the experience.'" He put his hands in the air and quoted the last part. 

I contemplated on what he had said.. okay maybe that's not that bad of an idea. I might get some fun out of this.

I let out a big sigh and look back up from my thoughts at Gon who was eagerly waiting for my answer. "Okay, okay, I'm not totally closed to the idea, along as you take the blame if we get caught. How about that?"

"Bet, cause we won't get caught along as I'm there." He boasted with a smile.

~*~

I had said goodbye to Mito and went out the front door since sneaking out wasn't an option as there was security cameras outside. Gon had mentioned she was strict before, but she was surprisingly open for letting me and Gon leave for a bit anyway.

It was already dark outside since we were pretty late in the fall. We got into my car and drove towards the school. We had to park a little down the road away so that if they couldn't recognize us through the hoodies that Gon had brought, then they wouldn't be able to recognize my car and figure out who was sneaking around.

Gon offered me a black hoodie and I reluctantly put it on. My face had flushed up as It smelled a lot like him, his usual cinnamon and sunshine scent. It took a lot of self control to not just cuddle up in it and fall asleep. These thoughts I have are so embarrassing... 

Gon put his own dark green hoodie on and we exit the car. Oh god don't tell me I'm actually going along with this.. it's not too late to back out right..?

"Killua, let's go. You're not thinking of backing out now right?" He said with a teasing smirk.

Ugh forget that then. I won't get out of this, will I.

"N-no." I bite back but of course I stutter. Fuck my life.

He just chuckled and we walked towards the school. We can't just enter through the parking lot as there's a security guard right by the entrance. I've heard that there's only two hired at school from a friend of mine who snuck in. One supposedly was stuck guarding the entrance while the other patrolled the perimeter and halls. This wasn't going to be easy... 

There was a chain-link fence that surrounded the campus and so we had to cautiously walk around to a secluded side of the perimeter. Thankfully, the fence isn't that large but they did have security cameras. God forbid as it's just a school. They didn't have to be all extra and shit with all this security.. But I guess the school district's advisor had insisted as they didn't want any stuff stolen.

Gon and I climbed up the fence and jumped down onto the school's soil. It had gotten dark enough to the point that the school's outdoor lights had activated. 

We made our way, avoiding the lights and eventually getting inside the school building which was still dark, but instead of heading towards the history room, Gon was leading the way to the office's direction. 

"Where are we going?" I whisper with a tinge of confusion. I left my book in history why're we going the other way?

He looked back at me and tilted his head. Like a damn puppy. "Haven't you done this kind of thing before? We have to get they keys first, dummy." 

S'ppose I hadn't thought about the fact that the rooms wouldn't be open. But this asshole, how dare he-.

"Hey-" I said in a whisper-yell but he had quickly shushed me and kept leading the way so I click my tongue instead.

Well whatever, hmph. He isn't worthy of seeing my sneaking skills.

Thankfully, the office was left open. Probably for the security guards to get around a little more easily. We went inside and Gon immediately started looking for the keys. Once you had the office key, pretty much everything was accessible. Every classroom and locker was able to be opened. We have huge lockers by the way, and I'm not even sure why as they were barely even used by anyone because no one brings so much stuff to school that they have to fit it in a huge sized locker.

"Hey you find it yet?" I say as I rummage through the items on an office desk. When there wasn't a reply I had looked back behind my shoulder to see Gon hovering behind me.

My face flushed as I stumbled forward and turned around to confront him.

"Look what I found." He whispered with a goofy smile on his face and in his hand was a key. I swear to god. I'm going to kill him-

I roll my eyes, "Okay good let's hurry up and get the fuck out of this office then." Gon and I left the office in silence and finally made our way towards the history room

Everything was going way too smoothly so far.

And of course, I had jinxed it.

We were about to round a corner when all of a sudden we heard footsteps nearby and soon enough the light of a flashlight was becoming more visible as it got closer.

Gon had immediately pushed me into a nearby locker. He got in after me in and I almost gasped at how close he was. He tried to shut the door quietly, but sure enough anything in the middle of the night sounds way too loud.

My hoodie had slipped off, but thankfully we got into the locker in time before any security cameras could catch my face.

I felt my cheeks heavily flush as it was way too cramped. When I said the lockers were huge, I didn't mean they were big enough to hide two people AND have some space left. My head was buried into the crook of Gon's neck, and I couldn't adjust myself away as my back was pressed up against the locker wall. To make matters worst, our bodies were pressed together and he had a faceful of my hair. 

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. What is this, what the fuck.. 

My body betrays me and I start breathing faster. Gon's overwhelming scent wasn't making it any better. Footsteps of the security guard were getting louder and I felt myself panic. The damn guy is going to hear my loud ass breathing oh my god.. 

Gon somehow managed to move his hand up in the cramped locker and he covered my mouth with it. My breath hitched from feeling his rough calloused hands touch my lips. I squeezed by eyes shut and tried to steady by breathing. My heart began racing and I started to feel sweaty.

The footsteps were lingering around, like they were looking for the source of the noise that Gon made while shutting the locker. I sucked in my breath and Gon and I grew still for what seemed like hours, until finally the guard's footsteps faded away. He removed his hand from my lips and a burst of relieved pants came from both of us when the security guard was finally out of the area. Fucking finally, we're way too close..

"Gon..." I whispered into his neck, my lips accidentally skimming the surface and I swear he shivered against it.

I could feel Gon gulp before he whispered, "Killua.. you're going to have to push the door open. I can't do it backwards."

I nod before slowly moving my cramped hands to the locker door to push it. My face felt like it was on fire as I was pressed against Gon but sure enough the door finally swung open, and a much needed dose of cold air had smacked me right in the face. 

Gon quickly jumped out of the locker and soon after I quickly put my hood back on and followed. It became silent except the noise of our breathing. The heat from my cheeks had finally died down.

"Okay.. let's get to the history room now.." Gon mumbled as he swallowed hard. It was easy to assume that he didn't want to talk about what had just happened. 

I just nodded, afraid to speak because wholey shit, who knows what would be the right thing to say. He took the lead again in silence and I followed him to the history room. 

Soon enough, we finally found the room and Gon unlocked it. 

I rushed inside eager to quickly find my history book and then dip the fuck out of here because I've had enough tonight.

There it was located on the teacher's desk, so I quickly grab it and then Gon and I sprint towards the exit of the building, not really bothering to relock the door or return the key. We must've made so much noise making our escape because once we got outside, there was yelling from the guards. My heart was racing as we jumped the fence and got the fuck out of there. 

When we got far enough away, I stopped to take a moment to breathe. 

"Wholey shit!" I laughed out as I panted from all the running. My face felt hot from the small workout but the chilly autumn wind blew on my face, cooling it back down.

Gon stopped as well and looked over at me with a tired grin on his face, "That was pretty fun, eh?" 

It took a moment for me to respond. It was silent except for the noises of our breathing. Ah, fuck it. I'll admit it. 

"It was fun, but in no way am I ever doing something like this again," I said while continuously wheezing. God, I probably sound like a dying donkey. 

He chuckled in response and we started to make our way back into the car. 

"I'll just do my history homework when I get home," I say to Gon as we got in. I've stayed around long enough, I need to get home.

He looked back at me in surprise, "You sure? Even after what we did?" 

"You said it yourself, it was just for 'the experience'" I quote back at him, mockingly.

He just rolls his eyes and laughs.

When his house came into view, I stopped the car and waited for him to leave.

"I'll see you back at school." I murmured to him as he jumped out of the car.

He turned towards me and nodded an "mhm" before walking back up the steps to his house.

I drove off and immediately I felt a small smile on my lips. If I were me from a week ago I wouldn't have recognized him now. Yeah he's all upbeat at school but its in more of an intimidating manner. I want him to open up to me and like me, so badly.

I close my eyes for a moment and laugh at myself. I really fell for the guy, haven't I?


	6. Soccer Game

It's Thursday around lunchtime, and all week it feels like Gon has just put some distance between us. He spends more time with Shalnark, the words between our conversations become fewer and fewer, he's become so dry with his responses it's getting hard to talk to him, and It's like the whole weekend had never happened. I don't know if I've done anything wrong.. I've noticed every change and it's troubling me. 

It just feels like I don't have the right to ask..

And you know what? I guess I really don't.

Recently, that Shizuku chick from the party has been hanging around alot and I'm pretty sure she's interested in me. Normally, I'd take her out already but something has been holding me back. Of course, Gon. It's been so much harder to excuse my emotions since I've admitted to myself of loving him. I have grown brave of my own feelings, but now I'm a coward of his.

But anyway despite that, I still have got to keep Shizuku around. People are already questioning Gon and I's 'closeness.' I guess some people started finding out that I've been coming over every day even after the whole thing with Knuckle at the party. Everybody knows about it now by the way, and at first, it was quite the blow to my pride, but soon enough it died down quickly.

Today I've got a soccer game after school, so I can't really afford to think about it. I gave Gon an invitation on Saturday, but at this point, I'm sure he's already forgotten about it. The thought hurts but oh well. I wouldn't be surprised anyway.

I got my tray filled with food and sat down at the usual table with my soccer teammates. Amongst the loud background noises in the bustling cafeteria, I could hear them talking about the team we were going to be playing against today. It was a soccer team from a town that was twenty minutes away, and they were going to come to our school to play.

My usual role is a midfielder along with Kurapika, Jispa, and Knov. Zushi is our usual goalie, he's short and more on the smaller side, but he's quick on his feet and he has good reflexes. Then there's Pokkle, whose more of a defender. There are others on our team but I'm not that close with them.

I snapped out of my thoughts when a familiar black short-haired girl scooted in beside me at the lunch table. When I meant by Shizuku hanging around earlier I guess I really mean that she was clingy as fuck.

"Hey, Killua. You have a game today right?" She gave me a sweet smile. It's bothersome that she talks to me a lot at school, but she's cute and I guess it benefits me in a way. Her smile can't really compare to Gon's though...

I really can't be thinking about him anymore right now, not with this game coming up. I shake my head to erase my thoughts of him and ask, "Uh yeah, are you staying after school to see it?"

"Of course, I want to wish you good luck with it." She said as she nodded eagerly.

The group has been acknowledging her coming over every day this past week. So Jispa, who had been overhearing our conversation chimed in, "When are you guys going to date already?"

Eh I'm not really that phased by it. But looking over at Shizuku she had a blush on her face. Yeah, that confirms it. She's definitely into me.

"What are you saying?" She laughed playfully at Jispa, but her rosy cheeks didn't subside.

...

For the rest of the lunch and school, nothing else happened. I tried to avoid thinking about Gon and I pretty much avoided everyone except my teammates so I could get my head in the game. 

Now I'm on my way to the locker room with Zushi. He has a class near mine last period, so whenever we've got practice or a game after school we always meet up and head to the athlete locker rooms to get ready.

When we got in, I stripped down and put on the green-yellow eyesore of a jersey and shorts. I Honestly hate the colors on myself. I'm envious of the basketball kids, they for some reason have green and white, while we're stuck with this piss color.

I finished putting on my socks, shin guards, and cleats and then I grabbed my bag and waited upon Zushi before heading out to the large soccer field our school had to offer. When we got there, the other team was already hanging around a bench on the side and they were all dressed in some modest dark blue and white-colored uniforms. I've heard from Kurapika that this team was pretty good, so today's game might be troublesome...

My eyes scoured the bleachers to find any familiar people since I don't really know anyone from school who watches the games. I had recognized Ikalgo, Shizuku, and... Gon?

I blinked my eyes a few times to make sure they weren't playing tricks on me. I didn't actually expect him to really come. He was wearing some baggy pants and the green sweatshirt he wore on Saturday when we snuck in school. I looked away before he could see me watching him.

Ah. I'm really feeling the pressure now.

I'm already feeling nervous. I'm good at soccer and all, but it's still quite nerve-wracking for me to play with an audience. I feel like every move I make I'm being judged. It's been like this since Junior high and you'd think I'd be used to it by now.

My coach and the referee were speaking with one another, so I set down my bag and took my place on an empty bench with Zushi and waited for the rest of my team to come out.

Soon enough, everyone else arrived, the bleachers were getting more full and my soccer coach, Razor calls everyone over too quickly warm-up for the game. Looking over at our rivals, they had been doing the same. They all had determined and confident looks on their faces, and something about that was intimidating. 

When we were done warming up, everybody jogged towards the center field to line up and shake hands with the opposing team. Which was likely going to be the only civil thing all game. I had gotten a closer look and wholey shit most of them were tall, all of these dudes should've signed up for basketball. Their grips were firm, brimming with confidence, and I had to bet these motherfuckers were underestimating us. Tch. I'll show them.

The referees tossed a coin, ending in our favor of being able to start the kick-off. Finally, we were getting this game started. My palms began to feel sweaty from nervousness. Gon is watching, and I don't want to fuck up and humiliate myself in front of him.

We ran out into our positions and Jispa hit the soccer ball towards Knov. Immediately my muscles tighten as I kick off the ground towards the opposing goal. The wind feeling cooler than ever. Knov kicked the ball towards my direction and I felt myself grin from the triumph of immediately gaining possession of the ball. I dribbled it across the field, dodging players left and right. The crowd was loud, but it was drowned out by the intense focus of keeping the ball away. 

A tallish guy with dark hair had finally managed to get the ball out of my grasp, but soon enough was his success short-lived as Kurapika unexpectantly and swiftly cut in front, stealing the ball back and passing it back to me. The goal neared and I readied myself for a clean kick. My foot made contact and the momentum made the ball go with speed and precision. But unfortunately, It look's like they've got themselves a skilled goalie. Hmph, so it's not going to be that easy, huh.

...

The first half of the game was intense and the other team fought hard. But slowly and surely the scores were widening with our team in the lead. 

All because of me might I add. 

It was definitely a relief to get a good lead, but I can't lower my guard down just yet.

I jog towards the benches and chug my waterbottle quickly, as the adrenaline rushes through my system. It was getting pretty damn tiring, but my body won't be at its limit anytime soon. It can't and I won't allow it. 

I ran my fingers through my sweaty silvery locks as Kurapika trotted towards me and took a seat on the bench beside me. He drank some water before saying nonchalantly, "I'd just noticed your newfound friends been here." 

I looked at him with confusion written on my face until I realized he was talking about Gon. Kurapika paused to take another sip of his water before continuing.

"I've been noticing like everybody else but I didn't want to annoy you with questions you were already getting. Yet, I'm honestly curious as to why you guys decided to be friends now." Kurapika murmured.

Was it really that weird now? Well.. maybe.. if you count the many times I've complained about Gon to Kurapika, and the whole situation of Gon talking shit about me. In the end, we'd only judged each other based on first impressions. 

I force a smile and reply back at Kurapika, "Yeah well, turns out we got along better than expected." 

Which was... kind of a lie?

I don't know how Gon really feels anymore. He still gives me so many mixed signals. Like for example, one moment he's sleeping over, then I'm having dinner with his aunt, and then we sneak into school together, and then the next moment he's barely exchanging words with me all week.

Thankfully, Kurapika didn't decide to respond after that, I guess his curiosity has been satisfied or he didn't want to push it.

I shake my thoughts of Gon away again and focus on refueling myself up for the second half of the game.

Break time passed and we jogged back out in the field. This time the other team was starting the kickoff. Everybody got in their positions and I sucked in my breath. Just waiting, and soon enough, the ball was kicked towards our side of the goal. I sprinted with determination to claim it.

The dark-haired male that had been giving me trouble all game, had seized it and began to dribble it towards our end. Quickly, I ran up from behind and cut in front of him to steal the ball. It had been kicked a little ways away, and we both raced towards the ball. However, I was just a little bit faster than him. I claimed it and dribbled it back and forth, occasionally passing it to my teammates and back and sometimes scoring. This went on for almost the rest of the game, and I could see the other team starting to get a lack of confidence. IT had felt satisfying, seeing their hope diminish as the scores continued to get wider and wider. 

And with that, the last 10 seconds of the game, I kicked the ball with precision towards the goal and scored. The whistle blew, the crowd cheered and my breath was heavy from playing so hard. The exhilaration I felt throughout my body suppressed my tiredness temporarily. 

We had won 44 to 30, the other team fought pretty damn well I had to admit. They kept up well against us, and we're pretty known for being a decently good soccer team. 

Out in the field, Zushi trotted up from behind and patted my back. "Eyy champ, couldn't have done it without you."

I chuckle at him, "Neither without you, they would've scored so much more if we hadn't had you around." 

I felt a small shove against my side, my other teammates pushed each other around in an excited manner. But, the hyped-up atmostphere temporarily died down as we had to line up and shake hands with our opponents one last time.

I said goodbye to my teammates, jogged off the field, took a sip of water and swung my bag around my shoulders. 

My eyes scoured the bleachers and met with Gon's. He had an unreadable expression on his face, so I had looked away to search the bleachers some more until I found Shizuku and Ikalgo making their way down the steps towards me.

"That was a good game, congratulations on winning." Ikalgo gave me a cheery smile as he came up and leaned against the chain-link fence that separated us. Shizuku was just behind him.

Shizuku who was in a cute black turtleneck and some low rise jeans had leaned onto the fence beside Ikalgo and chimed in, "Yeah, it was really fun watching you play." 

"Oh uhh, yeah. Thanks for coming." I say to them. It's very appreciated and I mean it. It feels weird for me to play without knowing anybody in the audience. 

I opened the nearby fence gate so I could talk to them face to face. Soon after I felt Shizuku's hands wrap around my arm as she smiled up at me. I flinched at her actions and It took quite a bit of self-control to not pull away from her.

Ikalgo looked at Shizuku with a brow raised and then back at me. "Are you changing into your regular clothes when you get home? And- are you guys dating?"

"No we aren't, when are you going to take me out?" She pouted up at me. I felt a bead of sweat grow on my forehead. 

Awe fuck, I don't want to but it might be the wisest decision right now cause everyone's suspicion. And yeah, Gon came to my game, but he still fucks around with Shalnark and Retz. This wouldn't be a big deal right?

"Hmm, I'll think about it." I wink and smirk down at her before looking back up to meet Ikalgo's eyes. "Yeah, I'm changing when I get home."

Ikalgo nodded and swung his backpack over to pull out his phone, "I'm going to go home now then, I'll see you at school tomorrow." He said as he began to walk away.

"Alright, see you then." I wave at him and then glanced at the bleachers. Gon wasn't there anymore. Did he leave without saying anything? 

My happy mood from winning the game had immediately turned all sour.

Ah, fuck it, whatever. Why'd he even come after being distant all week anyway?

I turn to Shizuku who was scraping her dark green shoes against the concrete, "I'm going to stop by the locker rooms and then head home. I'll see you tomorrow too then." 

I was about to turn around until she tugged on my arm causing me to tense up. She looked up at me with shining eyes while biting her lip like she wanted something. Oh, I see now. I don't want to humiliate the girl... but maybe one is harmless.

My eyes flickered shut and I slightly licked my lips and leaned forward. My wet mouth brushed and locked against hers. And for a moment, I had imagined myself kissing Gon instead. I imagined the feeling of his full plump beautiful mouth against mine, instead of the girl in front of me. But when I pulled back and was looking down at her flushed red face, I was just to be reminded I wasn't actually kissing the boy I liked. 

Hmph. Thanks for the daily reminder that I'm gay, I thought as I almost rolled my eyes.

She was stunned and speechless and so I took that as my ticket to leave. I turned away and walked towards the high school corridors.

My mind couldn't help but come back to myself fantasizing about Gon's lips and I felt my neck and face fluster up. Jesus Christ, Killua. 

I walked down the school hallway, occasionally seeing some students still around after school. The campus was only closed off entirely after five in the afternoon. Before then it was open for students who had practice or games after school. 

There was a sound of footsteps walking towards me, and when I turned to see who it was, I felt myself get pinned against the wall. The situation feeling similar to that day on Monday last week. And sure I enough, when I looked up to see who had me bound, it was undoubtedly the boy who was responsible for my recent fantasies. 

"Gon?" I breathe out in barely a whisper, his hand was on the wall just right next to my head.

My heart had slammed against my chest, and I wouldn't be surprised if Gon could hear my heartbeat right now.

When I looked up at him, I couldn't read his expression at first. I thought he was angry but.. no.. that doesn't seem quite right. 

His brows furrowed in frustration like there was something he wanted but couldn't have. 

But looking at him so intently and this close, I felt so mesmerized by his tan freckled cheeks and dark curly eyelashes. 

His expression changed and he tilted his head like a puppy to look down at me. "Are you going out with Shizuku?" 

What? Why does he want to know? Did he see me kiss her? Is he jealous?

I want to say yes, and see if my suspicions of him being protective are true, but I know better. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to confront him though.

I felt a surge of confidence come back to me. "You didn't have to pin me against a wall to ask me that, why? If I wouldn't know any better then I'd think you'd be jealous." Gon's expression didn't waver, in fact, he didn't seem affected by it. If he was acting he was pretty damn good.

I honestly can't help but feel a little disappointed.

"I'm not jealous, jus' curious. You like girls anyway right? I know better than to fall for a straight boy like you." His voice was a mix between carefree and spiteful.

The words hung heavy in the air and it hurt to hear it. But it was painfully understandable.

It wasn't true though, I'm not straight, yet I can't just openly admit it to him.

I responded quietly, scared that my voice would tremble. "Never said you had to be jealous of her..?"

He rolled his eyes and snorted like he was irritated, "Okay. First, I'm gay of course I'm going to assume you meant that. Second, I don't care anymore I was just wondering. That wasn't even the reason I wanted to talk to you."

"Fucking idiot, you realize we're in a public hallway. Keep your voice down." I snapped at him with a hiss under my breath. But luckily, no one was in sight at the moment.

"Oh, so all of a sudden you care about my secret getting out?" Gon leaned slightly forward with narrowed eyes, and his voice grew more hostile. Fuck this isn't what I wanted.

"Don't feel all so special. It's just for my homework." I said in spite. My tongue felt dry hearing the words come out of my own mouth.

Was it though? 

No.. but I don't want him to know that. 

Damnit Killua, what happened to the plan of getting him open up and like me? This isn't going to happen if I keep going on like this.

Gon smiles, but it's brittle and forced. Like a sneer. It wasn't anything like his usual gorgeous smile.

I swallow hard and tried to suppress my frustration, but It was too obvious in my tone. "Fuck, whatever. Why have you been distant all week anyway?" 

Looking to my right, his hand had been curled into a clenched fist and I couldn't help but flinch at the sight. He isn't going to hit me, is he?

He didn't. Instead, Gon clicked his tongue and stepped back.

"That's what I was going to talk and apologize about, but I don't think you deserve the apology any more." He said in a low resigned voice.

"Huh?" I blinked confused.

And with that, he turned and walked away.

"Gon-" I yell after him but abruptly shut my mouth as a student was coming down towards me from the other side of the hallway.

I just stared at his back as he nonchalantly walked away like he wasn't just pissed. I wanted to run after him, but instead, I just stood there dumbfounded with my mouth shaped like an 'O'.

God, I'm an idiot.


	7. Drunk

It's a late and quiet Friday evening, the only sound that was heard was the noise of my pencil repeatedly tapping against my opened notebook filled with equations. I've been stuck temporarily doing my own homework, because of a little drama queen on Thursday.

Okay okay, I shouldn't have been so snappy, but I didn't really anticipate Gon to just walk off. Maybe he was already agitated or something because I know under normal circumstances he wouldn't have been so petty.

I'll admit my biggest problem was my pride. But In my defense, he was being a dick first. So why do I feel like I should apologize?

I heave out a sigh at the bittersweet feeling in my chest. The way things have been going recently is unbearable. He did ignore me this whole week, but did I really have the right to be angry over that? I blackmailed him to do my homework, not for him to talk to me or be my friend. 

Growing up in a tough household half my life has made me lack many so-called 'important' things. How do I act on these feelings I have? I've picked up girls with ease, but I had no nervous and seemingly unnecessary feelings in my way. Now it's like getting the person I truly want is impossible. I've had crushes before in Junior high, but I knew better than to try and get close with any of them because of the extreme homophobia. This time though, I don't want to ignore my feelings.

Yeah, I don't want to ignore my feelings for Gon, but somewhere in the back of my mind.. a little voice had said, 'Maybe, my brother was right.'

I clenched the pencil in my hand tightly, causing it to make a snapping noise while breaking the silence in the quiet room.

No. He was a piece of shit. How could I ever consider his advice?

I shake my head to clear my thoughts of the person I despised most.

I stared back down to the pages of my notebook and then back to the snapped pencil that was held loosely in my hand because god anything was more entertaining than this math garbage I had to catch up on, but I can't just sit around and stress myself out with my own thoughts. I leaned back onto my chair and looked up at the ceiling in boredom, perhaps I should just write down some random numbers on the last few equations and then watch a movie to distract myself. 

Yeah.. that sounds like a great plan.

I scribbled through the rest of the math equations and then slam the math notebook shut. A few wrong answers shouldn't harm my grade that much, I think as I jump out of my seat and roll onto my bed. I opened my laptop and had to blink a few times to adjust my eyes at the bright screen in the darkroom which was only slightly lit by the small lamplight in the corner on a desk. The light was low and the bulb was probably almost dead. 

I'm going to have to replace that sometime.

I laid onto my stomach and rested my head onto my arms while blinking at the laptop's bright screen I displayed a movie on. It was still early in the night but gradually, my eyes felt heavier and heavier and I couldn't resist the tempting call of sleep take over me. 

~*~

Something abruptly vibrated against my ribcage and my eyes fluttered open in response. It was still dark in the room, probably around midnight or so. I had got up in confusion while rubbing my restless eyes in the dark, hoping to ease my half-blurred vision.

I groan and recognize the vibration was from my cellphone and it was indicating that I was getting a call. I paw around the sheets frantically for my cell while half-awake for what seemed like a good long 10 seconds.

Who the fuck is calling this late at night?

Finally, I managed to find my phone in the maze of blankets and sheets, and I couldn't help but groan in tiredness before glancing at the caller ID.

Gon?

And just like that, it was like my sleepiness disappeared in a blink of an eye. I swiped and answer his call, while hesitantly bringing the phone up to my ear. He never calls, or let alone texts me in general, so it was so especially unlikely of him to call me after what happened yesterday after my soccer game.

"Gon?" I mumbled into the phone while laying back down on the bed.

At first, no one answered. There was muffled music and chaos in the background, with the occasional laughter and yells like at a party. 

Is he drunk? That'd be the only explanation.

I had almost jumped in a surprise when a rusty deep slurred voice had finally answered through the other end of the phone. 

"Helloooo? Killua?" 

Shivers rolled down my spine as I heard my name roll off of Gon's drunken tongue. Just his voice had caused butterflies in my stomach.

I gulped hard before replying, a little curious to know why he called. "Gon, what did you call for?" 

"Please, pick me up." 

Oh.

"Why can't you have somebody else?" I wasn't really in the mood to get up and pick up Gon when it was pretty much midnight, but there was no way I could refuse. 

Why ask me though? Big Ol' popular Gon Freecss has plenty of pals that wouldn't mind assisting his drunk ass home.

"I want YOU to." He insisted and I paused to bite my lip. Why...

I hesitated a little before answering. "Okay.. Gon. Where are you?"

"Shalnark's."

I couldn't help but tense up with obvious envy until I remembered that they weren't alone and that there was a party going on.

"I'll be there in fifteen minutes, text me the address." 

I hang up the phone and immediately jump out of bed. There was no time to change so I waltzed on out in my black sweatpants and t-shirt. I quickly slipped on my slides and strolled out to the car to pick up Gon. It was chilly out but the night sky was clear and the light of the stars and moon illuminated the ground making it easy to see in the dark. I gradually took in the sight of the sky before getting into the vehicle and slamming the car door behind me. 

I typed in Shalnark's address in the GPS from Gon's text message. I've been to his house before, But I wasn't like personally invited or anything though. He hosted a public party, I went, had a good time, left and that was it. 

Shalnark lives in this two-story suburban house. I've heard he's got strict ass parents but they're never home. Suppose that's probably how he gets to host a party now and then. Not really my business anyway.

When I arrived, I pulled to the side of the road and texted Gon to come out since I wasn't going to show up on the doorsteps. 

Soon enough, the front door opened revealing Gon. His hair was untidy, shirt stained and rumpled, and his tipsy drunk walk to my passenger seat was amusing to watch.

He stumbled into the car and I could immediately smell the overwhelming, reeking scent of alcohol coming from him.

"Gon... how much did you have to drink?" I say to him as he seated himself down. 

"Why're you asking? Your not my parent, silly." Gon slurred all giggly while giving me a lopsided grin. He began fumbling for the seatbelt, but it was getting hard for him to work with his shaky drunk hands, so he gave up and sat back in the car seat.

I snorted at his actions and leaned over to buckle his seatbelt for him. When the buckle clicked, I looked up to see Gon's face and it was uncomfortably closer than I anticipated. But I had gotten another view of his beautiful features. His tanned face dappled with freckles, and his honey-golden-brown eyes... every time I looked up close, I was just immediately reminded of how breathtaking he was. 

"You're pretty." Gon blurted out breathlessly and instantly I retracted back in my driver's seat. My face flushed so I turned towards the road and focused on driving to Gon's house.

"Shut up, you're drunk, asshole." I sputter out.

It's just the alcohol, Killua. Don't be flattered.

His grin came back bigger than ever, showing off his cute dimples.

"Buut, I meann ittt!" His voice slurred and I couldn't tell if it was from the alcohol or if it was just a whine from the pouty face he made at me. 

He's become 10x more straightforward and now flirty. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever got up close and personal with a drunk Gon before. 

I decided to not respond. This boy was already stubborn while he was sober, I don't need to know how much more persistent he gets as a drunk ass. I looked over at him and he was leaning his head against the seat belt and stared out the passenger's window. 

I couldn't help crack a smile at him like I'd forgotten everything that's happened this whole week. 

I focused on driving Gon home who would occasionally say some corny pickup line. But finally, the familiar road that Gon lived on came into view and I rolled down the windows to let in some cool air. It helped drown out the awful scent of alcohol emitting from Gon.

When I parked my car, I felt a tinge of sadness. Perhaps I wanted this car ride to last a little longer since after this he'll probably stop talking to me again. I looked over at Gon and waited for him to step out, but instead of his usual happy grinning drunk face, I met an expression more soft and innocent. He looked... shy.

"Gon? We're here you know?" I murmur to him softly. 

He slowly unbuckled and when the seatbelt slid out of his arm, he gradually leaned over to me. 

I saw him coming, but I couldn't find myself to do anything, as it was too early to assume anything.

"Gon-?"

My breath hitched as he slid his hands into my silver hair, stroking it gently like it's been something he's wanted to touch for a while. He pushed his face into the curve of my neck and breathed in but his breath was shaky.

I sat there startled at a loss for words like I couldn't breathe. however, slowly and surely my consciousness came back and the temptation to give in to whatever this was, was too great to resist. 

My arms curled around his hip, and it took so much self-control to not lift his face and smash my lips onto his. But I know it's not right. He's drunk and I'm 90% sure this isn't what he'd really want. 

Gon sighs a breathless but exhausted sound as his hands continued to card through my hair, the strands soft and white. 

"I always wondered what your hair felt like.. it looks soft like a fluffy cloud.." He whispered and his warm breath washed over my jaw making me shiver in return. 

Gon leaned up and nosed into my cheek, and it felt like my skin was on fire. 

I looked up at his gorgeous half-lidded eyes and slightly parted shiny lips. Guilt crawled up my throat. It was a new expression of him, and it feels like I wasn't meant to see it..

This tension between us is right now is too much.. would it be okay to just..

No.. I can't.

I have to end this quickly.

"Gon.." I swallowed hard. "You said Aunt Mito had security cameras right?"

Then the atmosphere shattered. He visibly seemed to freeze for a moment and then the next he scrambled back so fast and fell into the passenger seat.

"Fuck- I'll just..-" Gon began and grabbed his hair out of embarrassment. He suddenly seemed oddly sober.

He opened the door and stumbled out the car.

"Um-um.. I'll just delete the footage before she goes through it.." He mumbled under his breath while fingers clasped with the car door.

Before he could shut the door and walk inside, I grabbed his wrist causing him to jolt his head towards me.

"L-look, I'm sorry for what just happened- I know you didn't mean anything by it cause you're drunk and all.." I stutter to him. It may not be the right time, but I can't leave things like this or else he'll never talk to me again.

He looked away and responded with a quiet "okay" but it was barely audible. I released my grip on his wrist and he turned and disappeared behind his front door. 

My hand automatically rubbed my cheek where Gon nuzzled into and my face felt flushed at the thought.

What the fuck just happened?


	8. Big Brother

It's just a late Monday morning at school, and something tells me Gon is going to avoid me again today. I gave him space last time- or maybe felt too shy to actually confront him, but this time I don't care how desperate I seem. 

I'm facing him today to talk about it with him after school and make amends. I doubt he'll refuse me if I do this in person. He can't because to him, I still know his secret and could always spill it. Though I wouldn't bring it up or ever tell anyone in this confrontation, that's just merely what he probably thinks and he'll automatically have to comply. Right. 

I say 'probably', as I don't know my way around his head. He's so unreadable behind his either smiling or angry facade.

I want to see more expressions he can make.

My mind automatically wandered back to the image of Gon's drunk and lust-filled face.. the image was so clear in my mind that I could remember every single detail. His half-lidded eyes and parted shiny lips that looked so kissable in the heat of the moment.

My face flushed at the thought and I had to lower my head so my bangs would hide the blush on my face from passing students on their way to class.

Seeing little things like that means a lot... but it doesn't feel genuine or satisfying.. because... Most drunk actions aren't typically what a sober mind actually wants.

Fuck you Gon. That whole Friday has just made everything more complicated. I've always been a good analyzer, but this situation and trying to figure out Gon's thoughts and mixed signals are just impossible. I need to stop thinking about it though. Suppose I just keep bringing it up to have 'hope' that maybe.. just maybe it meant something to him. But he doesn't care and that's that. Yep, end of the story. 

I still can't help but feel unconvinced, but it's not like the thought of Gon actually liking me isn't ridiculous either. 

I shut the classroom door behind me to my third-period class. It was pretty empty since I had arrived early but two students were already inside and speaking to each other, and I believe it was Leorio and Knuckle from Gon's basketball team. Their heads snapped in my direction at the sound of the door shutting. 

The fuck are they looking at?

I took a seat at my desk quietly which was located near the back of the classroom and set my bag down on the floor beside me when Leorio strolled up and leaned onto my desk.

"Hey Killua, you dropped Gon off home safely right?"

Huh?

"Yeah, how come you asking?" I ask with a tinge of confusion in my voice. Wouldn't they know? They've had to at least contact each other once over the weekend or even here at school.

He paused and furrowed his brows in confusion, "He hasn't come to school today or answered any texts."

"What?" My eyes widen at his statement. 

Truthfully I didn't really see him around all morning, but I played it off as a coincidence. I don't have any classes with him till the last period anyway so I wouldn't have really known till then or lunch.

Leorio took his hands off my desk and shrugged. "Yeah. He hasn't answered any texts from anyone on the team."

Fuck, if it's gonna be like that..

"I'll go check on him after school then," I said firmly like there wasn't anything in the world that would change my mind.

I already decided I'd talk to him. It's no big deal if he's at school or not. I'll just stop by his house then. 

Leorio nodded, "Let me know how he's doing. You've got my number right?"

"Yeah." I nodded back to him. His number has kind of been in my contacts for a while cause we exchanged numbers at a party for some stupid reason that I can't remember. Didn't really think I'd ever need to contact him though.

"Y'all been spending quite some time together, huh?" Leorio suddenly said as he raised a brow at me. 

Fuck off you nosy old looking geezer. 

"Yeah, I guess," I said in a bored voice. It took a lot of effort to not roll my eyes at him. These meddlesome questions are getting annoying.

"So uh," he coughed, "Knuckle wanted to apologize for rambling that bullshit that one night." 

He's a week late, mother fucker.

I glance at Knuckle and he was staring at his phone on his desk. He couldn't have looked more ungenuine about it. He was here but had the audacity to not say anything himself? Well, it's not like I cared about an apology from Knuckle anyway. I've been over it.

"It's cool," I say as I nonchalantly shrug at him. I'm not one to hold grudges, but It was hard to not express the irritation in my tone. I wanted this conversation to quickly be done.

"Anyway, a friend of Gon's is a friend of mine. So why don't you come to the party at my house on Saturday, yeah? Maybe invite a friend of yours... you know Kurapika seems pretty cool." Leorio nervously scratched the back of his head.

These basketball kids are party freaks. I swear it's almost every weekend. Who the fuck is their plug and where the hell they getting all this money to buy drinks and shit?

Suppose I'll think about it though. Kurapika went to the last party at Phinks which was a surprise- because I swear he's so introverted. That guy would rather read a book than do anything remotely social. Wonder what made him go out that party night. Well, something like this should help him get out and mingle some more so maybe I can help a friend out. He could get plenty of girls if he was just a little bit more confident.

Seemingly bored, I tell Leorio a, "I'll think about it," and I think he got the message to finally shut up because he left to his seat without saying anything else.

The class was pretty much filled now and the teacher announced for everyone to sit down. I gave the rest of my attention to the teacher. Studying is more crucial than ever as tests start pretty soon.

A week and a half til this whole going over to Gon's is done. I need to make amends quick and use my time wisely.

~*~

The familiar two-story brick structure of Gon's house came into view through my car's windshield. Immediately my nerves were kicking in again. I was soooo confident about this earlier too. 

There's no backing out now, Killua. 

My car parked at the usual spot beside the road and just a little bit farther down so it wouldn't block the driveway.

The wooden porches didn't look so welcoming like the first time I've been here, it felt like I was trespassing or like I shouldn't be there. 

I traversed up the steps and stood in front of the door, before hesitantly knocking loud enough for Gon to hear if he was upstairs. 

...

A minute or two passes by and there wasn't an answer. Something ached inside me, it was disappointment.. but also a relief. Maybe he isn't home.

I was turning away when all of a sudden the sound of the door opening made my heard jerk back to whom was standing at the doorway.

"Killua?"

Gon's eyes visibly widened for a moment before his expression went blank. He scrubbed a hand through his hair and looked completely exhausted with his slumped shoulders and tired eyes.

"Gon.. are you okay? You look tired." I blurted out and I wish I could've taken it back. 

He leaned against the doorframe and rolled his eyes while scoffing, "You're so smart for pointing out the obvious."

"Sorry.."

"What are you here for, Killua?" His voice laced with just a little bit of venom as he crossed his arms. 

To be honest, I don't even know where to start. I jumped at his question and my nervousness was obviously showing. His threatening demeanor really wasn't helping. So I murmured a little more softly.

"I wanted to talk to you." 

Gon bit his lip, as if he was contemplating whether or not he should hear me out. I stood there waiting for his reply, sweat trickling down my forehead from the thick tension in the air.

Gon clicked his tongue and stepped aside, offering me to come in. 

"Fine." He muttered as I reluctantly stepped inside the house. And like countless times before, I followed Gon up the stairs to the second floor, neither of us saying a word. He shoved the door open with a shoulder and kicked a pair of his basketball shoes out of the way. 

I entered behind him and sat down on the bed, the mattress slightly sinking down beneath my weight. Gon took his usual spot on the swiveled chair and he expectantly held out his hand like he was waiting for me to give him my work like the usual.

"I'm not going to make you do my homework today, Gon," I say as I drop my backpack beside me on the bed, making no attempts to unzip it.

He raised his brows in surprise and lowered his hand. "Why, we've only got a week and a half left you do know?"

"As I said, I just wanted to talk," I said as I fiddled with my hands on my lap out of anxiety.

He narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms as he waited for me to elaborate on what I wanted to talk about. 

"First, I..why weren't you at school today? Your friend Leorio told me you haven't been responding to messages too." I mumbled, stalling my actual apology like a candy-ass. But to be fair I really do want to know why.

Gon grumbled impatiently. "It's none of your business. Is that all you wanted to talk about?"

I shook my head. 

"Look," My throat began to feel tight. "I'm sorry about Thursday, okay? I just shouldn't have been-- an ass, okay? I-I just want to know why you were so distant all that time." It's honestly so humiliating the way my voice catches. So I closed my eyes, scared to meet Gon's gaze that was studying my entire face.

I couldn't bring up Friday yet, there was a chance it could fuck up this entire apology and shit just by bringing it up.

"Killua... I can't tell you why... but I'll give you an apology."

When I opened my eyes to look at Gon, it was he who looked a little flustered. His eyes were so much softer than before.

I stayed silent and Gon hesitantly continued, "You don't have to apologize or anything, you didn't even do anything wrong. It's been me this whole time just trying.. to figure something out. So.," He paused and scrubbed the back of his head with a hand before murmuring, "I'm sorry."

Funny. I came here to apologize, totally unexpecting Gon to do so back, let alone forgive me.

This was such a rare moment, to see Gon in such a shy state, different from all the confidence and cockiness he emits at times. Yet... 

I could've played it off like nothing happened but.. something deep inside me wanted to acknowledge it. 

"Gon, about Friday-" I started breathlessly but was abruptly cut off.

"Killua."

Looking up at Gon's face again, his brows were inwardly slanting and squeezed together in a crease. He looked mad but, what threw me off was his cheeks that were unusually pink on his dark tan cheeks.

I hesitated at first. He's embarrassed about it, isn't he. 

"I just wanted to make something clear.. what did that all mean to you, Gon?" I whispered, ignoring his warning, and asking anyway, desperate to confirm if what happened between us is real to him or not. I've been unusually hopeful since then as a pessimistic.

We never even kissed, but the way I'm addressing it, it feels that way...

"Nothing," He shrugged and looked away, his brows still slanted. "We both regretted our actions right? I was drunk and you were just trying to be nice."

Gon's words sunk heavily in the air. I felt an agonizing ache in my chest...I bit down hard onto my lip, breaking the skin and tasting a metallic tang of blood. 

Ah great. My moods all fucking sour now. Way to fucking go, Killua.

Somewhere deep inside me wanted to deny what he just said so badly and get up to sloppily kiss him right there in his chair. Being close to Gon, learning more about him, going to his house often has been doing things to me. Making me fantasize about inappropriate things lately.

"Right.." I stammered out and quickly scraped the blood off my lip with the back of my hand, my knuckle rubbing against my chapped trembling skin. I was scared that he would read my body movements or something, so like the coward I was, I stared back down at my lap with my bangs hiding my face. 

Pathetic, why am I getting upset now when I already knew what he was going to say...

"You're dating Shizuku, aren't you?" 

My expression grew surprised at his remark, causing me to stumble my upcoming words out. 

"We aren't together- I.. don't even really like her." 

I refrained from looking up at his face. God, I didn't mean to really admit that. 

My lips pursed in a firm line. Gon was silent for a moment, in the corner of my eye he was biting his lip while sitting on his seat backward and resting his head on the back part of the office chair, looking at me with those light honey-brown eyes of his. His expression wasn't angry anymore, his features had softened.

Abruptly, he chuckled which caused me to furrow my brows and look up at him in confusion. "What's so funny?" I asked in uncertainty. 

"So, you're gonna break her heart then or something?" He smirked at me playfully from the rotating chair, normally the tension would be uplifted right now. But the crushing heartache from earlier still remained to weight it down.

I rolled my eyes at him and had to force a smile on lips to avoid sneering. "I don't want to hear that from you, hypocrite. You don't even like the women you date."

Gon just hummed while rotating the chair from left to right out of boredom until eventually, his lips curled into another grin.

"Your game that was on Thursday.. it was good. You're a pretty fucking good soccer player by the way." 

My cheeks didn't flush. I hadn't felt embarrassed or flustered at the compliment. Because why would I? It's not like he meant anything by it. I just murmured a quick, "thanks" before getting up and picking up my backpack. 

I had made amends already. I should go before Gon notices anything wrong. Before I act like some stupid spoiled brat.

Being in the presence of Gon's upbeat behavior again and hearing such praise felt a little bittersweet. I've missed this side of Gon and my heart should be swelling from the compliment. But the annoying throbbing of my heart was holding me back from enjoying the little 'carefree' moment we were having now. My smiles were fake, I was just masking my hurt and trying not to break down. 

Gon tilted his head at me and asked in a pensive tone, "Are you leaving now?"

I nodded with a fixed brittle smile. My backpack swung over my shoulders and I tried to rush out the door so Gon wouldn't pick up on my bitter mood.

"You can stay for dinner, I-my cooking isn't that great but, I dunno.." Gon blurted out and laughed nervously behind me. 

I abruptly halted at the doorway but didn't bother to face him so I wouldn't have to look at him in the eyes.

"Do you want me to?" I asked in an almost monotone voice, careful to not let it waver by my emotions.

"If you want, I don't care." 

I shut my eyes tightly at his words. It had erased every little part of me that wanted to stay.

"I'll be going then, Gon." I refrained from scoffing at him and letting my petty sentiments show. I can't fuck it up now, because as much as I hate this feeling and want to get rid of it, I can't end our consensus early. I just can't do it. Even if the bastard despised me I wouldn't be able to do it.

"See you tomorrow?" He questioned.

I glanced over my shoulder at Gon to give him one last fake grin to convince him, before mumbling in a low resigned voice saying, "Yep." and then leaving the room. 

~*~

(Nobody really knows Killua's family. The Zoldyck's business does go by Zoldyck but unlike the anime, they're only popular to people involved with illegal activities. Like split worlds. No one at school is really involved with that kind of stuff and even if they did know who the Zoldycks were anyone would assume Killua just happened to share last names.)

"Killua Zoldyck, please come up to the office." My head perked up at the sudden announcement on the speaker. 

The class grew silent, the only sound present was the anxious kid tapping his pencil against the desk repeatedly. My desk was located near the back of the class and sure enough, everyone's head's turned towards my direction.

My teacher, Mrs. Yorkshire nodded her head in my way and said, "You're excused, Zoldyck." 

I got up and swung my bag over my shoulders. I had to restrain my eyes from rolling at the nosy students who were staring at me.

The teacher resumed talking to the class and finally, everyone's attention was diverted elsewhere as I left the class. 

What does the office want? I can't think of anything in particular. 

The halls were quiet and empty, the only sound that could be heard was when every time I passed a classroom door, I could hear the muffled sounds of the teacher inside instructing and talking to students.

The office's door came to view and I stepped up and opened it, peeking inside. The exterior and scenery were no different from that night when Gon and I snuck in, and the memory made my heart ache a little bit. 

Looking over at the waiting chairs, Ikalgo sat there bobbing his knee up and down in broken rhythms. His feet were tapping against the tiled floor out of stress. When he looked up and saw me his eyes had brightened up. 

"What are you doing here?" I hissed under my breath quietly at him while I stepped inside, eager to not get a scolding by the office lady who was eyeing me from her chair with a phone in her hand.

And before my ginger-haired best friend could respond to my question, the office lady spoke to me. 

"Mr. Zoldyck, you've got a call from some who is eager to talk to you. Apparently it's important." 

She held out the phone as I walked over to the office desk and I reluctantly took it.

Who the hell would be trying to call me? I can't think of anyone who'd reach out to me during school hours... unless..?

I brought the phone up to my ear and asked in a quiet tone, "hello?"

"Hello, Kil." 

The phone almost slipped from my grasp. No... 

My face blanches and my jaw dropped as beads of sweat grew onto my forehead. My body grew alarmingly still. It was the same monotone voice I thought I'd never had to hear from again. The haunting memories came back and refreshed themselves back into my mind. The crack of whips, the humming of electricity, the coughing, and the metallic/copper taste of blood from consuming poisonous substances. I was reminded of it all, clear as day. 

"Mother has awfully depressed since dad let you leave. It's time for you to come home now, Kil." The sickenly emotionless voice said, which belonged to my disgusting brother Illumi.

The sibling of mine that made my entire childhood hell.

"N-No!" I yelled, and my voice wavered in terror. I wasn't paying attention to the concerned expressions on Ikalgo's and the office lady's faces. 

"Mother insisted, Kil. It's time for you to resume training and begin preparing to become the next heir. Mom stated you'll be homeschooled." Illumi affirmed. I could tell he wasn't fucking around. He never does. What he says is usually absolute. 

No. No, no, no, no, no. 

I was reminded of children shrieks which rang in my head, the sight of chains doused in blood, and the deep nasty green and purple bruises peppered along my skin back then., the stinging raw wrists, skin peeled and bloody from the rope burns. All of it, for preparing the perfect heir to dominate the black market. I thought I left it all behind forever. I can't go back now. No matter what. They PROMISED they wouldn't try to intervene in my new life.. why?

"I.. I don't want to. I'm not going to do it." I tried to defy assertively, but my voice stuttered and broke under the fear.

I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, waiting for his sickly, dead voice to respond through the phone. I wanted to hang up, but who knows what he and my family would do. They'd come here by force, and if I defied they'd probably kill everyone I ever interacted with. That's what scares me the most.

"We will come to pick you up after your school tests next week, Kil." Illumi finished and hung up.

My hand squeezed around my mouth tighter to silence the heavy rough breathing I was emitting from being terrified. I looked up and Ikalgo had a shocked looked on his face from my expressions. My face must've looked as pale as a ghost's.

"K-Killua? Are you.. ok-?" He started and abruptly stopped when I slammed the phone back on the counter and rushed outside the office.

Tears were escaping my eyes and I eagerly wiped them away as they kept coming. I had to get out of here. Footsteps were heard behind me and I subconsciously began to walk even faster. 

Ikalgo grabbed onto my wrist, pulling me back. I halted but refused to look at him.

"Killua, what happened!?" He says, his tone full of worry and concern for me. I don't even deserve him as a best friend... he deserves better. 

A horrifying thought came to mind, Ikalgo all bloody and bruised, limp and hanging from a chain to the wall. His body either dead or without much fight left within. The thought made me ache, and feel like I was on the verge of going mad. I was in harm's way more than any of my friends, and it scared me so much.. but If any of them became victims of my family's malice I'd think that was far scarier.

My lips grew hot and my eyes stung from the anger that was building up inside me. My face was beginning to hurt from holding back. 

"Let. Me. Fucking. Go." I sneered and my breath began to grow rapidly uneven. 

"Kil-" 

"Ikalgo. Leave me the fuck alone, okay?" I say, voice trembling as I turned to give him a mean teary-eyed glare.

He flinched and his eyes widened. His grip on my wrist loosened, so I yanked my arm from his grasp and pivot away to keep walking down the hall, eager to find a temporary secluded spot.

I didn't look back once, and there was no longer any footsteps heard trailing behind me. He didn't follow me after that.

...

I stopped at the bathroom as it was the only spot I could think of in the heat of the moment. They were usually empty during class hours so it wasn't the worst spot to recollect my thoughts. I can't stay here for the rest of the day though.. 

I sat against the bathroom wall, rubbing my forehead in hopes of relieving the horrible headache I was having. The throbbing remained fresh and irritating, pulsating from the back of my head to my temple, making no sign of subsiding anytime soon. Fresh warm tears were also falling from my eyes and my face was hot, flushed, and red like a fresh ripe tomato.

I tried long and hard to not think about the traumatic events, replaying my head over and over again from my childhood. I grabbed and pulled onto my white locks while gritting my teeth, trying to forget, and not focus.

I feel so pathetic and weak.

My throat felt tight from trying not to let out wails but soon enough inevitable sobs escaped my throat. I was hunched over, my head tucked between my knees while my hands were tangled in my hair. Fuck...

Footsteps entered the bathroom and before I could look up to see who entered the restroom, a strong pair of arms wrapped themselves around me and I was engulfed in the familiar cinnamon and sunshine scent that I had adored. 

Gon..? My heart leaped and writhed beneath my skin under his gentle comforting grasp.

I was too much of a tired, crying mess to push Gon away, and so I ended up melting into his hug while I released whimpers and sniffles. My hand clenched onto the hem of his white collared shirt and I rested my head on his shoulder, my tears soaking the fabric near his collar. He was quiet, patient and his hand slowly rubbed my back in comforting motions.

We sat there for what seemed like an eternity, but if it was something more realistic then I'd say about 10 minutes. When my tears were spent, for the time being, I slowly pushed Gon off me and hung my head low. 

"Gon.. leave. I don't want what happened with Ikalgo to happen with you." I whispered hoarsely because my voice was strained from all the crying. I stared down at my scuffed-up black converse to avoid meeting his gaze.

Great, this is the second time he's seen me all pitiful now..

"Did you guys fight?" He murmured softly. His breathy voice was smooth and consoling.

My lip trembled and I nodded. After finally letting everything out, the realization hit me. 

Shit, Ikalgo... I'm so sorry.. goddammit. He was just worried about me and I snapped. I wasn't mad at him, I was just mad at my family. 

I clenched my jaw and shut my eyes. 

"Do you want to get out of here? " He asked quietly, and I'd never thought I'd feel remotely happy to hear any kind of words amongst a breakdown. A weird little shiver had bloomed in my stomach.

My eyes flickered up to Gon. He was crouched, looking down at me with a concerned look on his face and a tilted head. His gaze was roaming my face, and I couldn't help but feel a little self-conscious of my red tear-stained cheeks and puffy eyes. 

"Please.." I whispered and he stood up in understanding. He lent me a hand and I took it, getting up from my spot on the bathroom floor. 

We left the bathroom and went towards the parking lot. The halls were empty so there wasn't anyone there to stop us from skipping school. I don't want Gon to miss a day of school because of me but a part of myself felt selfish and tired.. so I didn't even bother resisting.

We went to my car and I took the passenger seat because to Gon, I was in no state to drive. Looking over at him, I realized I haven't once questioned.. why? Why is he comforting and helping me?

"You have a place you wanna go?" Gon shifts in the car seat to glance at me.

A familiar old place appeared in my mind from my Middle school years. It was a grassy cliff that had one of the most amazing views. I used to go there to calm down when I was younger.

"Yeah..." I paused.

"there's a spot I haven't been to in a while that we could go to.."


	9. Family Issues

While Gon was driving, I gave him directions to the place I used to go as a preteen when I was still stuck with my family in those earlier years of mine. Other than that, it was quiet between us. I stared out the window, my face felt fuzzy and numb from crying earlier. Outside, the sky was gray and cloudy like it would have a light rain today.

We were just out of town and the area surrounding the road had more trees, but it didn't feel creepy or anything in the bright of day.

"Just follow down this road. I'll tell you when to turn right." I instruct Gon while still staring out the window. He just murmured a quick 'okay' under his breath and was back to focusing on the road ahead of him.

A gravel path and parking lot showed up on the right and I beckoned Gon to pull in. He did as I told him and parked the car in the lot. I unbuckled my seatbelt and pushed open the car door to jump out.

"Where are we?" Gon asked pensively as he exited the driver's side of the vehicle and searched the trees that were around us. His eyes scouring the red and orange oak forest encircling the gravel lot. He looked surprised and excited in away. Did he have a thing for nature or something?

I pointed to a ruined path that went uphill and began to hike my way up. Gon following closely behind.

The walk wasn't far at all, it took only about 5 minutes while traversing on the ruined path. Which eventually lead to an open little clearing right above the cliff I had been talking about. The view was pretty during the day, but breathtaking at night. However, unfortunately, it wasn't going to get dark anytime soon, as we had just left in the middle of school hours.

I walked towards the edge and peered at the horizon below. There were endless rolling hills and red, orange, brown, oak trees that stretched as far as the eye could see. There were also small mountains at the line where the ground and sky met. The trees looked like they were on fire, but it was just the leaves wilting from the seasonal change of autumn.

Gon's footsteps came from behind slowly, and I plopped down on the ground with my legs crossed, ignoring the frost-laced grass that dampened my clothing. My bare arms shivered in the cold autumn air and I couldn't help but rub my limbs to subdue the chilliness.

Damn, I forgot my jacket in the car.

The air was getting misty and cold out because winter was on its way. We were dead in the middle of November, so the coldest season wasn't far off.

Looking up at Gon, his face was shining from gazing at the pretty view. After taking in the sight, he looked down at me and then frowned like he noticed something.

"Are you cold?" He asked as he tilted his head down at me.

I looked away from Gon's concerned face and back down at the sight that lay before us before murmuring "I'm fine," under my breath.

He sighed and in the corner of my eye, I watched him remove the dark green windbreaker he had put on before exiting the car. He placed it on my shoulders before sitting beside me on the grass.

I put the jacket on correctly and muttered a quick 'thank you' under my breath before sighing, watching the air come out white like smoke.

"Are you okay now? Do you want to talk about anything?" Gon asked tentatively like he was scared to ask that kind of question and pry.

My lip slightly trembled, and I think Gon noticed because he quickly blurted out.

"Y-you don't have to tell me anything if it upsets you." He said hurriedly while rubbing the back of his neck with his calloused hand.

My hands fiddled with the frosted damp grass, plucking it out of the ground. I was contemplating if I should really spill my problems to the boy beside me. I was so keen to not let a single soul know what I went through. But Gon, being unexpectantly sweet to me and was making it real difficult. Was it okay? Will he distance himself again? Will he think bad of me?

Fuck it. I'll confide to him but sugarcoat it.

"No.. it might better if I let it out."

~*~

Flashback from 7 years ago when Killua was 10 years old:

Over, and over.

Repeatedly, the sharp stinging lashes bruised my face and back. Leaving dark purple marks, that contrasted my pale skin. It hurt. But it was nothing new.

This was my punishment, for speaking with Canary informally and befriending her. I can't imagine the hell she's going through right now... all because of me. The beatings I'm getting won't even compare to what she's receiving. They hold back on me only because we share the same blood.

I grit my teeth thinking about it. I'm so sorry Canary...

The basement I was in, was damp and the air felt humid and suffocating. It constantly smelled disgusting like something died. The walls were moldy and unkempt, nothing like the rest of the mansion.

I looked up to the relative of mine, who was the cause of the whippings, Milluki. He was dressed in a pink collared shirt and white pants. He had features that resembled Illumi and my mother's, thick black hair and beady black eyes, void of any emotion besides anger. Milluki was the second oldest sibling of the Zoldyck Family, just after my brother Illumi.

He glared down at me, as I was tied up with a rope. His face in disgust like I was dog shit. I laid there still, because if I even slightly moved, the rough tight rope fibers that rubbed against the skin around my wrists would become all raw and bloody.

My body twitched against the sharp loud grating noise of the whips hitting my flesh as I laid on the stone-cold floor. I glared back up at Milluki defiantly. He hated me, and I hated him.

A sneer appeared on his face and he raised his whip to hit me again and again until a short and stocky silhouette appeared at the basement doorway, amongst the shadows.

"Milluki, that's enough."

The silhouette stepped out under the harsh basement light and revealed my grandfather, Zeno. He was wearing some dark purple garments and his hair was white, not from age, but from the important Zoldyck gene that was passed on for many generations. Which I had also, unfortunately, inherited. Because of the white hair I possessed, I was treated this way to get me in shape for following my father's footsteps.

I don't want to though. I don't want to follow the same life as my cold-blooded father. He's done too many awful things and gets away with it because of the money he holds. Give the cops a few bucks and they won't bat an eyelash towards any suspicion involving our family.

"Why?" Milluki paused the beatings and screeched. "Mother said I could whip him for as long as I wanted." He whined at Zeno like he was disappointed to not be giving me any more gnarly wounds.

I still laid there on the floor looking up at the two, and my eyes met with Zeno's. His eyes and expression were grim like he's come bearing bad news.

Zeno stared down at me as he spoke carefully to Milluki, "Your father brought in the butler's corpse. He wants you to harvest it since Illumi's busy."

No.

I went completely still.

My eyes widened, jaw dropped and my face grew horrifyingly pale.

No. No. No.

My heart hammered against my chest and something churned in my stomach like I was going to throw up.

I began violently writhing in the robes, trying to get them off myself, yet the resistance was futile as I was only making my wrists sting and hurt more.

Milluki looked down at me in realization and began hysterically laughing. My breathing grew abnormally rapid with anger.

"TELL ME FATHER DIDN'T TOUCH HER!" I snarled up at Zeno and my voice trembled. Tears were spilling out of my eyes and I continued to squirm, ignoring the burning pain of the ropes.

Zeno still had a sullen look on his face. His eyes were now sympathetic as if pitying me. The look had told me everything I needed to know.

Milluki had the audacity to snort. To disrespect Canary like that. More anger was building up inside of me and I continued to squirm in desperation.

"Should've been listening to mother and father's orders." He grinned down at me, but it was far from anything playful. It was like he enjoyed seeing my suffering.

"SHUT UP!" I wailed out, my voice breaking in despair. It's not true. It can't be. There's no way they went that far.

"Cheer up, Kil. You're worst punishments over." He snickered as he began to walk out the door to do the task that his father had demanded.

"NO! DONT." I screeched at him, but he exited the door and didn't glance back at me once as he slammed it shut.

Zeno stood there silently and my head snapped towards him once Milluki left the room.

"Please- stop him.." I begged in agony, tears continuously falling from my eyes and onto the concrete floor. The injuries I bore were NOTHING compared to the pain I was feeling inside right now. Canary had been the only person I had considered a 'friend' throughout a large part of my earlier years.

He sighed and looked up at the basement ceiling to avoid my pitiful face full of anguish. "I'm sorry, Kil. Silva is greedy."

The thought of Milluki cutting her corpse and storing body parts to sell on the black market had made me physically retract. I felt sick. Canary doesn't deserve this.

"I-I've learned my lesson. Let her at least be buried! PLEASE!" I pleaded louder at him, desperate to get him to concede and do something before it was too late. If there was anyone with power who would listen or understand, it'd be Zeno. He was the only adult in my family that had frowned upon the conditions I went through.

He looked back down at me, with a face filled with commiseration. I held his gaze until he eventually sighed and turned towards the basement door.

"I'll see what I can do, Kil." Zeno murmured sympathetically and left the room, leaving me a sorrowful tied mess on the floor.

I huddled into a ball and let out loud repeated cries of grief. My eyes shut tightly to ignore the blaring basement light. All over my body felt damp and wet, I could only assume it was blood from my injuries, slowly oozing out.

Minutes passed by of straight crying and eventually, my mind slipped into unconsciousness despite the uncomfortable surroundings.

Forgive me, Canary...

...

When Illumi let me out of the cell, 12 hours later. I was informed that Zeno had managed to convince my father to bury Canary.

They had done so while I was unconscious, and I eagerly rushed outside the mansion, ignoring my injuries and bare clothing. The rain poured outside and I squinted through the drops of water. I hadn't bothered to bring an umbrella. It didn't matter to me if I caught a cold or not. I had to find Canary's grave.

The sky was gray and pale. Everything was dull, except for the vibrant lurid red roses on some bushes nearby that my mother had absolutely adored. The vibrant color reminded me of blood that I had continued to see on a daily basis. I was sick of it all.

The mound of dirt came to view in which Canary's body lay beneath. I paused and clenched my fists before stepping forward towards the grave.

'How dare they' I thought angrily as I neared the burial.

Water leaked from my eyes and they couldn't be distinguished between rain or tears. There was no gravestone. Just the half-assed heap of dirt.

I fell to my knees before the mound and rough, strained wails escaped my throat. My voice hurt from the endlessly crying I already endured earlier. I ducked my head as my hands gripped tightly onto the grass. There was so much pent up anger and sadness inside me.

"Canary.." I sobbed out.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.." I repeatedly cried out over and over as the rain-soaked my clothing and hair. My wet white locks plastered against my forehead, and my throat felt like it would bleed from all the bawling I let out.

My skin shivered against the cold rain but I ignored it and continued on and on in front of the grave. Screaming in anguish until my voice was lost.

In the loud roaring of the downpouring rain, I could barely distinguish the sound of footsteps behind me. When I felt a hand on my back, I flinched and looked up and It was our head butler, Gotoh.

"Master Killua, let's get you back inside before you get a cold. I'll dress your wounds." Gotoh spoke grimly. He was affected by Canary's death just like me. His eyes were sunken and filled with grief, just like mine.

I didn't say anything, let alone nod. I wasn't even sure if I could say anything if I even wanted to. I just reluctantly got up and followed him up the path that leads back inside the mansion.

We walked down the hall inside and I kept my head low. Gotoh opened the door to his room and I followed him inside and stood in the center of the bedroom, feeling out of place. Even though I had done this many times before after my training and punishments..

"Take a seat, Master Killua." I clenched my fist at the formal language he used which bothered me so much. But after what had happened to Canary, I didn't dare to complain.

Because I had insisted on her being friends with me... everything is my fault.. everything...

"Master Killua?"

I jolted up from my thoughts and looked over at Gotoh who held out the wooden chair I sat in countless times before every time he'd dress my wounds.

I took a seat and he walked towards his cabinets to rummage through them. He brought out a medkit before crouching before me.

Gotoh held out his hand, beckoning me to give him my wrists. I laid them out and he squirted ointment on the raw, peeling, and bloody skin while I clenched my teeth at the stinging pain. He worked skillfully, careful to not put me under too much discomfort and he finally finished my wrists by gently wrapping a bandage around them. 

He moved onto dressing the rest of the cuts and bruises located all over my back and body, and then grabbed an icepack from a mini-fridge located near his cabinets and pressed it against my cheek.

He sighed at me in defeat once he finished. Knowing he couldn't do anything else to help me besides tending to my injuries. The Zoldycks were too privileged to stop, after all.

~*~

Present time:

I sat there, spilling some deeply personal information I was so keen on keeping a secret from everyone. But I had sugarcoated my family's business activities and beatings, as I didn't want Gon to think I was any crazier than I probably seemed. I hadn't bothered to look Gon in the eye the whole time. He probably thought I was some compulsive liar or something. I wouldn't blame him though.

"To escape my family once in a while, I came here to clear my thoughts all the way up til freshmen year. Ikalgo and this place was the only thing keeping me sane back then." I whispered, breath shaky from the gruesome thoughts I sought so hard to forget. But I had to acknowledge it eventually and grow strong.

I began fiddling with the grass some more out of anxiety and stress. "I had been homeschooled all my elementary school days, but I managed to convince my father to let me attend a public school. He only agreed because it'd be a good help on my 'social skills' which are crucial to being a business owner. I only got to get into soccer to improve my fitness as well. It was a way for me to 'train' but have fun and forget the horrible training that awaited me at home."

Soccer was also one of the few things I forgot to mention that helped me get through a lot. It was distracting, and it was all I could focus on. Leaving my mind temporarily freed from the horrors.

When I was 12 years old, my family had forced me to start getting involved with some jobs. But it was best to not tell Gon that.

"I met Ikalgo back then in Middle school, even though I wasn't allowed to get too close to anybody, Ikalgo reached out to me a lot and I was truly grateful for that. He never knew my struggles, but he still helped tremendously."

I grit my teeth from the thought of earlier. He had been there for me through the hardest times of my life, yet I snapped and pushed him away. He was just worried and concerned for me.

Gon was still silent. Does he believe me?

Without a second thought, because of my own doubt, I stripped off the windbreaker and shirt on my upper body. Gon eyes widened in confusion.

"Killu-"

"I'm sure you've noticed before, yeah?" I abruptly cut him off, and looked down at my hands, feeling ashamed as Gon's eyes roamed my body. Scars plotted all over my back and arms.

I sighed, ignoring the cold air that pricked the skin on my torso. My own fingers traced the scars indented into my skin out of insecurity. I wasn't usually bothered by people seeing my scars, but because it's Gon, I feel a lack of confidence.

"This went on until freshmen year when I had decided I had enough and wasn't going to keep going along with my family's training." I breathed in shakily from the chilly cold air. The wind grew a little stronger since we arrived.

I dressed back into my shirt and Gon's windbreaker while continuing on, ignoring the prickle of the embarrassment from his gaze.

"I had easy access to cash, and I took a good chunk of it and ran away to stay in an apartment for a few days. My father had called me and told me I was free and able to do whatever I wanted with my life. I was ecstatic, it was too good to be true and I should've known better." I chuckled out of nervousness, my voice trembling.

Laughing at my own problems has proven to help me cope, and I didn't want to lay the situation as too serious.. it'd made me feel uncomfortable otherwise.

"Sure enough," I continued, "They left me alone for a good 3 years until now and.." I gulped hard, pausing before continuing, "Today.. I got a call from my brother, they ordered me to come back after our school tests.. I'd be resuming my training and become homeschooled to be the heir." I finished and ran a finger through my white locks.

When I looked up to meet Gon's eyes, his irises were hard and dark in anger on his face but I could tell it wasn't directed at me though. However, the sight gave me chills.

"Gon?" I questioned, his name rolling off my tongue had snapped him out of his angered trance.

His eyes quickly grew soft and compassionate as he whispered quiet but determined, "I'll help you out of this."

"You're underestimating my family," I replied nonchalantly, never stopping to think, why? Why would Gon want to get mixed in with my troubles?

I let myself fall back onto the frosty grass, laying down while staring up at the cloudy gray sky. Seconds passed by, and every little while, small little drops of rain would land on my face, causing me to wince and the icy water.

It was stressful to talk about it, I had been freshly reminded of my traumatic past but, maybe this might be better for me. To actually acknowledge it and move on again and for good. If I can that is. How will I be able to escape my family..?

My vision began to feel all blurry and wet, like more tears were going to leak out. So I squeezed my eyes shut and put a hand to cover my face.

I winced when I felt a calloused finger move my hand away from my profile, and a thumb swiped a tear that was falling from down my cheek. My eyes flickered open to Gon, who was looking down at me with his honey-brown eyes.

"I don't care. If you don't want that, then you shouldn't have to." He suddenly whispered after a good moment of contemplating.

I pulled my head away; cheeks flushed as I gave him a breathy snort, "It's not that easy, Gon."

There's no way I'm getting him involved. He heard me out, that's enough for me... he doesn't have to endanger himself. It'd be easier on me, he won't risk sharing the same fate as Canary. I can't imagine what'd happen if he did.. Gon, the boy I've fallen in love with, even if he doesn't like me back, I couldn't forgive myself If I allowed something bad happening to him.

I'm not even sure if I can deal with my problem. They'll harm everyone I know if I resist.. I don't know if they know who I care about, but I can't just risk it and rely on luck. I'm sure they have their ways.

"It doesn't matter, if you don't want it then you shouldn't." Gon finished determinedly.

I looked up at him, admiring his breathtaking face, that was more appealing than the sight of the horizon. God, why is he here with me now? It feels so surreal.

"It wouldn't be fair if you were the only one to open up, right?" Gon suddenly murmured out and I jolted up from the ground, interrupted from my embarrassing thoughts. He was sitting with his legs crossed, staring at his lap.

"You don't have to feel pressured to share your secrets just cause I confided to you," I tell him quickly, and he didn't move. He just kept staring down at his knees in front of him.

"It's okay, I wouldn't mind if you heard me out."

I felt a little bit of relief when I heard him say that. Talking about myself had made me feel a little nauseous, and I'm curious to know what Gon's troubles are. All this time, I was trying to get him to open up to me after all..

I waited in silence until he finally spoke, "According to my Aunt Mito, my father Ging had left me with her when I was just a 1 year old. He never spoke about my mother to my Aunt so I don't even know who she is. Apparently Ging left because he couldn't pursue his dreams and be a father at the same time. So he chose his goals instead of parenting me."

Something about that made me angry. How could his father just leave him like that? I clenched my fist that was laid on the grass. I was furious but Gon looked unphased talking about it.

He chuckled lightly, it showed no sign of hurt nor joy. "I'm not even angry at him. I'm just curious to know what he wanted that was so important over raising his own child."

I was surprised as he gave me a lopsided grin like he didn't feel bothered at all. There were no signs of hurt in his expression. He was seriously okay about it.

"I don't really like telling people about it. I shouldn't have to be pitied or anything for something like that. Especially when there are problems greater than mine." He murmured, looking back out at the firey autumn forest.

I sat there, silently watching his face again, staring out at the horizon. He looked so carefree and unbothered. His dark tan olive-skin tone was bright and beautiful, even in the cloudy lighting. He looked untouchable, even ethereal. Something inside me wanted to reach out and put my hand on his cheek.

His mouth suddenly curled into a frown, catching me by surprise and removing every single urge I had to reach out and caress him.

The rain began pouring just a little bit heavier and my hair began to weigh down onto my forehead.

"My Aunt's homophobic." He blurted out, his voice becoming unsteady. "I-I'm too scared to tell her about my sexuality."

Aunt Mito? Homophobic? She's sweet and caring, but I guess I assumed too early that she'd be supporting. It was quite a shock, but I believed Gon.

"She loves and raised you, right? She'll accept you no matter what." I rustled out to him, to comfort him. He rolled his shoulders back and shifted to turn towards me.

He gave me a genuine light and grateful smile. "Yeah, hopefully, though I'm not sure when I'll ever tell her." He hummed softly.

I wanted to touch and comfort him, but I felt insecure and cowardly, so I held back.

We were silent for a few moments, and I suddenly winced when a big fat raindrop landed on my nose, Gon noticed and laughed, the atmosphere growing a little more upbeat.

"It's going to rain heavier, let's get back into the car before then, yeah?" He said to me.

I nodded and got up, wiping the grass off my bottom. My hair had gotten completely soaked, and looking at Gon's his wasn't any better either.

We followed the path back down to my car, enduring a little more rainfall. I ran and entered through the passenger seat again.

"Thanks, Gon. I feel a little better now.." I said, genuinely grateful to him for bringing me out and comforting me.

He gave me a big smile, which made my mood feel a little better.

"Mhm.. me too.." He muttered quietly and nodded while staring off at the driver's wheel in front of him.

Something about him gave off the vibe that he was upset, so before I could question what was wrong, he spoke.

"Do you want to come over?" He asked, a little tentatively, like he was shy.

I nodded casually, "Yeah..." I felt better than before, but the last thing I wanted right now was to be alone.


	10. Kisses

I shoulder my way into Gon's room while he quietly followed behind me. Standing in the center of the room, unsure of what to do as Gon began stirring up the place since there were a few heaps of clothes and empty water bottles here and there.

"What are you doing? You can lay down." Gon ushered at me, nodding his head instead of waving his arm as they were occupied with plastic bottles. He looked amusing as he kept trying to hold them all without letting them drop but once he had seemed to have them balanced in his hold, one of them would slip from his grasp and he'd have to bend down to pick it up again.

"Right.," I say, a little amused at his clumsy hands, constantly trying to balance the recyclables.

Gon began to head towards the doorway before calling back at me, "I've got a few CD's in my desk cupboards, you can check 'em out and pick a movie. I'll be right back, I've got to put these away." He held up the plastic bottles, elaborating on 'what he had to put away.'

I nodded at him and he left the room, so I set my backpack down on the floor and began opening the cupboards, immediately seeing a few movie discs. He had The Hobbit, Hunger Games, Avengers, Spiderman, and etc. Not including some 18+ discs that I probably wasn't meant to see.

I settled for Spiderman so I took the disc and pushed the cupboard shut. Gon came back into the room and I couldn't help but stifle a laugh.

"What?" Gon inquired, with a confused expression on his face because of my sudden chuckle.

I gave him a cheeky grin and snickered teasingly, "You've had some interesting movies to choose from."

It took a good moment until his eyes finally widened in realization and his face flushed up a deep pink on his cheeks.

"Oh fuck, I forgot about that." He muttered while looking away in embarrassment.

I just laughed it off and handed him the Spiderman disc before crawling carefully onto the bed. Immediately my worries had almost temporarily vanished as I was engulfed with the familiar comfiness of Gon's mattress. I slipped and snuggled under the covers while pressing my cheek against Gon's pillow as I watched him mess around with the TV and DVD player.

The movie finally started and Gon took a seat on the floor beside the bed. I hadn't been really paying attention as nothing was on my mind but my family, and Ikalgo. Will he forgive me? How will I get out of this situation? I can't endanger my friends but the thought of being alone against parents and Illumi...

I shook my head to erase my previous thoughts and zoned out at the sight of the back of Gon's head. His hair looked tempting to just immerse my face in and disregard all the anxious thoughts I had. If only I could just..

Suddenly, my phone loudly dinged from a text message and I jolted back awake from my daydreaming. I pawed the sheets until I found it and looked at the notification on my lock screen. It was a text from Zushi. Some bystanders must've seen my argument with Ikalgo and gossiped about it. Zushi had heard and asked if I was okay.

I typed out a quick answer and said that I was fine before glancing up to see Gon looking at me with an unreadable expression.

"I guess my little fight with Ikalgo had gotten around at school." I suddenly blurted out and sighed afterward. It wasn't a big deal for people to know but it was a little stressful and annoying to remember that a bunch of people know a personal situation of mine sometimes. Guess that's one of the setbacks for being popular, but it's not like I ever wanted to be in the first place.

Gon laid his head back onto the mattress, looking up at me from upside down with his lips in a tight line. "Screw them then, it's none of their business."

My lips couldn't help but curl up in a smile and I gave him a breathy snort. When he noticed, he grinned back like it was contagious before peering back up at the TV. Silence fell between us again and I was back to gawking at Gon's hair with only the sounds of the TV still playing in the background.

One or two hours passed by and Spiderman finished, while Gon put in another disc I cracked another joke about his porn and we binged another movie. Besides the horrible meltdown I had at school earlier, today felt alright thanks to Gon. It reminded me of the day I first met Mito. I wish we had more days like that where I'd just relax and genuinely hang out with Gon.

I grimaced at the thought of Mito, not necessarily disturbed by learning that she was homophobic or anything, I could tell she was still a sweet person. She probably just misunderstood. Maybe her views would change if she found out Gon was gay.

"Killua? What's wrong?" Gon asked and I shook my head to clear my thoughts. The end credits were playing from the second movie we put on which was Hunger Games.

"Nothing." I murmured towards him. It'd seemed weird to just tell him I was thinking about his Aunt.

Gon glanced at his phone before getting up from the floor and stretching his limbs.

"It's 'round 6, you wanna help make something to eat?" He asked, grinning at me as he stood up from the side of the bed, carding a hand through his hair. I bit my lip before nodding while reluctantly pulling the covers off and getting up as well.

We head downstairs towards Gon's pretty green kitchen that Aunt Mito designed. He opened the pantry door and called out to me who was admiring the view of the back garden once again like the second day I was there.

"Come take a look, you got any ideas of what you want to make?" Gon asked out and I jolted my head back towards him before walking near the pantry door.

"I've got a thought, do you have any rice and some kind of meat?" I asked Gon as I peered into the pantry.

There looking inside, my eyes had illuminated as countless possible recipe ideas ran through my mind. The shelves were dark grayish green which matched the rest of the kitchen. Condiments, snack boxes, fruit;vegetable bowls, canned foods filled the shelves, and it took a good minute to find the ingredients I was specifically looking for.

Ooh, Basmati rice, garlic, ginger, onion, chicken broth, cream, canned crushed tomatoes, and...

"Yeah, there's some thawed chicken breast in the fridge, what do you plan on making?" Gon answered my question from earlier and had moved from the pantry doorway to the fridge. He looked over at me expectantly while holding one door open.

Bingo. Everything needed was here. Gon had quite the pantry. Nothing like at my apartment with Zushi. My parents funded me cash but it was just barely enough for dinner every day and gas for my car. So I couldn't go too crazy or fancy with cooking. But today I was cooking for Gon, so I couldn't explore any new recipes in case I fucked up. Better go with something I'm good at preparing.

"How good does curry sound right now?" I ask and look up at Gon with a grin on my face. Curry was my specialty, it was simple and delicious. With Gon having a bunch of fancy seasonings and ingredients, I could make it even better than at home.

Home at the apartment.. not home for much longer though.

Gon's eyes had brightened up with excitement, but he started nervously sweating while scrubbing a hand through his hair. "I can't really cook though.."

He's mentioned something like that yesterday, I'm surprised I can even remember while being all overwhelmed with emotions at the time. The reminder of yesterday made me feel a little sad inside, but I quickly recovered and maintained the good mood I was having at the moment before Gon could pick up any traces of distress.

"So?" I tilted my head at him, and then boastfully added, "I'm here you know. I'm quite a good cook if I say so myself."

Gon's jaw dropped before the corners of his mouth curled up in a smirk, "Oh yeah? I'm looking forward to you backing up that claim." He spoke playfully like he was doubting my amazing Gordan Ramsey worthy, top tier cooking skills.

"What, you think I can't cook?" I fake pouted at him, pretending to be offended at his assumption.

Gon chuckled and looked at me with one brow raised. "It doesn't seem too farfetched, but I can definitely imagine you accidentally burning down your apartment complex or something."

Okay, how dare he. That actually made me a little mad.

"Tch, I'm about to prove you wrong, and what do you usually make for yourself when Aunt Mito isn't around?" I ask, challenging him. He admitted to not being able to cook that well, but there's no way that he's allowed to think he's probably better. Though that's probably just my competitive mindset speaking.

Gon began to awkwardly rub the back of his neck. "I um.. I'm usually just alright with some boxed mac and cheese, but oh- I've added some cool fancy seasonings before!" He added, to defend himself.

I couldn't help but stifle a laugh and roll my eyes at him.

"Throwing in some random McCormick seasonings won't make it that much better."

Gon huffed and straightened, "Well, 'Master Chef,'" he threw up some air quotes with his hands before resuming, "you should wear an apron while cooking right?"

I felt some excitement as Gon opened a dark green cabinet, revealing some small wash rags and a neatly folded dark blue apron. He pulled out the apron and pulled all the folds apart before holding it out to me.

It was plain and perfect, I was lowkey dreading to incase for Gon held out something more curvy and dressy like some silly apron dress since it would've been Aunt Mito's after all.

In no way would I have worn something like that, especially in front of Gon. That'd be too embarrassing.

I took the apron from his hands and pulled it over the attire I had worn all day. Once I had finished tying the apron around my waist, my eyes met Gon's and I thought I saw his eyes flicker up and down to my wast line like he was checking me out but something inside me laughed and dismissed it. There's no way.

I put my hands onto my hips and gave out orders like some Master Chef, "Alright, Gon Freecs. I shall show you how to make a delicious plate of curry. First, we gotta chop up some onions and garlic."

Gon gave me a breathy snort and grabbed a cutting board from a cabinet below one of the counters before setting it onto the empty island bar. I grabbed the other ingredients from the pantry on one trip and began.

The smooth cooking process had turned into a battle of sharp tongues and little silly insults between us. Subconsciously, I began humming to myself, while wiping my dripping washed hands onto a towel after handling the raw chicken breast.

I seared the chicken into a large pot on the stove, not paying too much attention to Gon as It was mainly me who was cooking the dish. Though, I did spend a great amount of time, verbally instructing him even though he didn't do much. He just helped out whenever he could.

Finally, the curry was done and conveniently at the same time the rice was. Gon handed me an empty plate and I served him the curry with a side of the rice before making my own dish.

I took off the apron before joining Gon at the table, setting my plate down and sitting into the only other chair.

I sat there, waiting for Gon to take a bite, and he noticed so he blinked at me a few times.

"Well? I'm waiting for you, tell me how it is." I huffed out impatiently.

Gon smiled and took a bite, I was feeling so much anticipation to see his reaction that his chewing seemed to last way longer than usual.

He gulped down his bite of food and then grinned at me, "It's really good, It tastes a lot like Aunt Mito's cooking."

Pride swelled in my chest from seeing Gon's reaction to the taste. I knew it was a compliment, that one dinner night had me already knowing how amazing Aunt Mito's dishes were.

When we finished eating, Gon grabs my empty plate and stacks it with his own before getting up.

"How late you wanna stay?" He all of a sudden asks while looking down at me, seemingly shyer than before.

I cleared my throat and straightened up in my seat, "I don't know I might go home soon."

He paused for a moment, with the plates in his hand until eventually nodding.

"Okay, I'll meet you upstairs."

I excused myself from the table and Gon disappeared into the kitchen. So I stepped up the stairs to the second floor and pushed my way into Gon's room, taking a seat back on the bed.

I had left my phone on the mattress so I took it and began to scroll through any messages I might've gotten. Much to my disappointment, Ikalgo hadn't texted anything, and I couldn't help but frown down at my screen. Eyebrows furrowed and all.

Well, Its not like I wasn't expecting it anyway, I've got to apologize in person tomorrow...

The sound of the door opening creaked and I looked up to see it half opened with Gon's head sticking out, meeting my eyes.

His eyes widened when they met my face, and he tentatively asked, "Hey, are you still feeling sad?"

I hadn't noticed. My fingers made their way up to my eyes and sure enough, they were slightly wet.

"I'm alright," I say, my voice feeling small as I rubbed my eyes and sniffled.

Gon suddenly moved out from behind the door, revealing a bottle of whiskey. His fingers curled around the bottle's neck.

"You wanna just forget for a little bit then? We can have a few drinks of it." Gon says while stepping inside and standing dead center in the room, holding the bottle up in his hand at me.

"Where'd you even get that?" I bit my lip and raised my brow at him. Gon ran his free hand through his hair, and I've noticed he did that a lot. In fact, I've noticed a lot of other small things he subconsciously does. From the way, he'd bob his knee up and down in almost a rhythmic pattern, humming while he was focused on my homework and the way he rubbed the back of his neck quite often whenever he apologized or was embarrassed.

Gon lowered his hand back down to his sides gave me a smirk like it was an attempt to lift my spirits. "Aunt Mito has a liquor closet."

I brought my legs up onto the bed and crossed them, with my elbows supported up by my knee. Nibbling at my thumbnail while taking my sweet time to contemplate if I should get a little loose or not.

"How will I get home then." I eventually pressed on and Gon's smile faded into one that was hard to read.

"Spend the night." He said quietly, and fuck did it sound so tempting.

I hesitated, before asking another question to stall him. Yes, I admit I was just trying to get an excuse to go so I wouldn't embarrass myself in front of Gon again while I was drunk. But I guess... I was holding back because just maybe if I truly didn't want to go then I'd just straight up tell him.

"What about Aunt Mito?" I asked while resting my arms onto my lap. My lips tightening in a firm line.

"She gets home late, remember? She goes straight to bed she won't know you're here. Even if she does, she likes you so..." Gon muttered and his thumb repeatedly tapped against the bottle cap.

"So..?"

"She won't mind." Gon finished.

I felt oddly relieved to run out of excuses.

Maybe this isn't that bad of an idea. Even as I was in Gon's comforting presence, I still couldn't forget my bad thoughts and even while cooking earlier today, I still was constantly reminded about Illumi, my family, the relationship with my best friend that I fucked up, and the constant words of Gon saying how he doesn't fucking like me like that every now and then.

I heaved out a sigh. "Okay, fine, but let's not drink too much. We've got school tomorrow."

"Of course," he smiled before sitting down on the floor and uncapping the bottle.

He handed it to me to get the first sip, and so I took one and held a poker face from the bitter taste. I was trying not to consume too much as I had plans to go to school the next morning, and not deal with an awful hangover.

And so, back and forth, Gon and I took turns sipping from the bottle and it definitely did the trick. The whiskey's alcohol slowly taking over a little bit of my system, making me feel buzzed. The more alcohol I had, the more I cared less about staying sober enough for school tomorrow.

I was still sitting on the bed, and I felt the room slowly begin to tilt. Mm fuck, maybe I drank a little more than I should've. I felt myself slowly lean back so I laid down with my legs dangling off the edge of the bed, ignoring Gon's drunk slurred rambling in the background. Talking about something, maybe basketball, but I don't know because I was too lost in my own drunkness to actually focus on his words.

It feels dangerous to be drunk around Gon. I shouldn't be around him like this again, with my defenses lowered. What'd happen if I tried to throw myself at him or something? It'd be so easy to just go along with my feelings that I've been hiding for a while now. But when I think about it.. why is it so terrifying to face rejection..?

I let out a sigh until then I felt the mattress weigh down beside me, and the bed creak. Looking over to my left, Gon laid down next to me, his face only a few inches apart from mine and he was staring at me with a drunken daze in his eyes and pout on his lips.

"Mmm, you weren't listening to my story.." He murmurs sadly, his eyes looked sleepy and disappointed.

Because it was amusing to see him all cute and pouty, I let out a giggle, "Sorry, I didn't want to listen to you talking about shooting hoops and basketball."

He hummed like he was unconvinced at my apology. "I was talking about when I sprained my kneee.." He whined and I couldn't tell if the slurring was from the alcohol or not.

I turned onto my side, towards him and smiled. "Okay, okay. Retell it then."

Gon face brightened up like the damn sun. He adjusted his position to face up at the ceiling.

"So! last year we were doing practice games and like the usual, I was shooting hoops and winning," He grinned at me boastfully and I rolled my eyes as he continued, "When I jumped for this one hoop, I could feel my stomach dropping and shit as I went down and landed on my leg all weird. When my leg hit the floor, it made this 'crunch' noise and everyone thought I straight-up broke it and-.."

I laughed at the dramatic movements he made with his hands, swaying them around, and exaggerating the incident as he'd continue to babble on.

I think I remember that, from last year after Gon joined the basketball team. I'd always go to his games to watch and I was always feeling bitter and jealous of his athleticism. When he came to school one day and had a bandage on his knee, I remember that despite usually feeling envious, I felt worried for him instead of happy like a real jealous person.

"Ya'know, Killua? I've always wondered why English is soooo god damn confusing sometimes." Gon suddenly said, and I snapped back out of my thoughts, not realizing when he changed the subject.

"L-like..." He paused for a moment, catching his breath and moving his pointer finger in the air like he was pondering.

"Like gooses." He exclaimed with a slur in his tone. He seemed so energetic right now, having no problem with rambling on and on for shit that didn't even matter, but I'm grateful for it.

"Geese, Gon." I say deadpanned and amused at his stupidity.

His head turned towards my direction and he frowned at me, "What about moose? Why aren't they called meese?"

His face looked so innocent as he was genuinely questioning the plural for moose like he was some third grader in school.

"You're supposed to be smarter than me." I hummed at him and rubbed my tired eyes. My energy was not keeping up with his anytime soon.

He scrubbed his knuckle against his nose before exhaling out, "I drank more than youuu."

"Are you usually this stupid when you're drunk?" I just laughed, while tucking a white tuft of hair behind my ear.

"Ask my friends."

"No thanks."

It grew silent and my smile faded away. I couldn't resist reaching my hand out to trace the slope of his nose and Gon winced and stared at me with those beautiful soft amber-like eyes of his.

He was just silent under my touch, and we were both exploring each other's faces with our eyes. His long dark eyelashes and dappled freckles which reminded me of cocoa powder, and I oddly started to get a craving for some chocolate.

"Hey, Gon.," I retracted my hand away and spoke in a quiet tone to keep my voice from slurring too much.

He tilted his head at me like a puppy. And for a moment I was in a loss of words like I had immediately almost forgotten what I was about to say. Until I had begun to feel oddly sober and rethought of the question I wanted to ask.

"Why... are you letting me here... why are you comforting me.." I whispered at him, and Gon's expression quickly grew blank.

He slowly sat up, so I got up after him as well. He looked away and stared at his hands while gritting his teeth like there was something he didn't want to say.

"Gon?" I asked quietly.

He stayed silent so I pushed the question at him again.

"I want to know why? Just tell me."

"You wish it were that easy." Gon mutters under his breath and his voice almost sounded venomous, but not quite. More like frustrated.

"W-what?" I stuttered out.

What's going on with him?

"I don't want to tell you.." He suddenly snapped out before turning his back on me.

I couldn't restrain myself from touching his shoulder. Why is he behaving like this? Just answer the damn question.

As soon as my fingers skimmed his shoulderblade, he tensed up before scooting away and getting up from the bed.

"Let's just get some sleep now. I'm sure it's late." He whispered while making his way to the light switch.

I know this was selfish, but I'm not just giving it up. Why was he so kind to me all day, no one comforts their blackmailer like that, even if they weren't hated.

Immediately I got up and followed him. I reached my hand out towards his arm, "I just want to kno-."

I gasped as Gon instantly whipped around and before I knew it, I was knocked down onto the bed. I squeezed my eyes shut feeling another body's mass get on top of me, and firmly straddling my thighs until I was securely pinned down to the bed.

For a moment, I felt fear. But when I slowly opened my eyes, they met with Gon's, and the look in his eyes seemed so innocent and scared, he looked like a wreck with his pinched brows and pink cheeks.

I went completely still, and sweat beaded onto Gon's forehead, giving me a wave of the musky scent of sweat and some bittersweet alcohol that was released from his breath. At that moment I couldn't help but stare at his full lips for a dangerously long period of time.

I wanted to kiss him.. but.. when I felt a burst of my courage come back to me, I put it into my words instead of pulling him down to caress me.

"Gon.. what are you doing..?" I blurted out breathlessly, trying not to pant from the heat and closeness between us.

His breathing grew quicker and heavier and his stumbling words came out all hurriedly like he was terrified. "I-I-Don't know what- I.. just..seeing you break down- on the floor earlier today.. You were in worst shape than when we were at Phink's house." 

"And? Why do you care?" I murmured at him with my brows furrowed, my cheeks insanely pink like Gons.

Why would he comfort and take care of me?

I had been ignoring the fact that he was on top of me because even right at this very moment, It felt too early to assume anything.

He held in his breath for a good long moment until eventually letting it go. His eyes shut tightly in frustration.

"I- just. God, you're just so fucking clueless.." He opened his eyes and cussed while pinning my wrists down tightly.

He looked so desperate and scary at the same time in the moment. His lips trembling and eyes dark, I regret pushing the question. Only a smile suited his pretty face.

"Go-" I called out but was interrupted by a pair of lips that had been smashed against mine.

I gasped at the sudden action. But his lips felt soft despite the force he'd been using against my own, and immediately heat spiraled down to my stomach. When a handful of seconds went by, Gon jolted away from my mouth which was now just slightly bruised from the sheer rough energy.

I stared at the ceiling in shock, as he rested his head into the crook of my neck while heavily panting, his warm hot stuttering breath blowing into my ear, causing goosebumps to form all over my skin.

"I just want you to feel better." He suddenly spoke in a low deep but soft rumbling voice right into my ear. I could barely process what he just said because the alcohol still in my system.

But soon enough my senses came back to me, his grip on my wrists loosened and so gradually my hands moved and palmed his sides while sliding down to his hips. Gon twitched under my hands skimming his skin, his face pressed deeper into neck and shoulders.

I slipped my hands under his shirt and Gon made a quiet little noise in his throat from my gentle fingertips sliding up and down his arms and hips, tracing every muscle.

Gon finally raised his head and intimately stared down into my eyes as my hands moved from his hips to his upper back. His expression was dark, but I confidently held his gaze.

His fingers slid into my hair and he slowly leaned forward, joining his lips back with mine and I closed my eyes while slipping a hand out from under his shirt to wrap my fingers around his neck and pull him closer.

It's too late now. Neither of us was sober enough to push the other away. And If I'm being completely honest, I feel relieved, because he feels so fucking amazing right now. I tilted my head and Gon slipped his tongue deeper into my throat. Even with the bitter alcohol breath, Gon tasted better than I'd ever imagined.

I gently bit down on his bottom lip, sucking it until the skin broke, and everything swelled with heat. Gon let out a small whimper before pulling away for a breath of air, and my eyes flicked open letting me take in the view of his face. He looked so vulnerable, I almost choked on my breath at the sight of his parted, swollen red, and wet lips.

I caught him by surprise and pushed him off to the side, before climbing on top of him and gaining control. I licked my lips before ducking down on him to kiss him deeper. Gon shuddered out a groan and I couldn't help but grin against the kiss, feeling my pride skyrocket. 

My hands slid back under Gon's shirt, desperately trying to tear it off. Gon broke the kiss and clumsily lifted it up and off his shoulders. While he did that I stripped myself of my own top clothing too. Gon gazed at the defects that laid across my skin. He placed his hand and skimmed his thumb over this individual deep scar I had, and I couldn't help but shudder at the touch.

I connected our mouths back together and my palms felt sweaty but I splayed them all over Gon's chest, tracing all the gentle ridges of muscles. I bit back a moan when I felt a mouth kiss at my sternum and collarbone. Gently biting the indentation on my skin before going back to my lips.

The embrace felt like it went on forever, I was slowly learning and exploring more of his mouth and tastes. Occasionally pulling back with a slick noise and pressing my forehead against his while panting and catching my breath.

His hands clutched onto my soft hair, he began nosing into my flushed cherry cheek and peppering my face with kisses. His teeth just barely grazing around my jaw. I sloppily pulled him back for another wet kiss. My hands were starting to trail down to his pants, as I got curious to see what other noises he could make.

But when the doorknob began to be fumbled with, our mouths yanked apart.

Gon instantly pulled me under the covers just before the door creaked open. My heart began pounding like I was running a marathon. 

"Gon? What are you doing up so late?" A voice said, and while under the covers, I recognized that it was Mito's. Her tone had sounded concerned rather than suspicious.

Oh shit.. we must've lost track of time.

Gon hurriedly mumbled under his breath, trying to hide his nervousness, "I couldn't fall asleep... but I'll uh.., start trying now." God damn, she might suspect something with how obvious he's being.

My face flushed as I realized it was pressed against Gon's stomach. It felt enticing to kiss him, but even as a drunk horny mess, I knew better than to do that, especially with Gon's homophobic Aunt literally right there at his bedroom doorway.

"Okay, I just wanted to check up on you. Goodnight then." From under the blankets, I could tell she turned off the light switch and shut the door.

I slowly began to crawl out from under the covers, and Gon and I synced a big sigh of relief.

"Mmm... that was close.." I whispered out and my breath felt heavy from the thrilling exhilaration of avoiding getting caught. My head was still slightly pressed against Gon's chest and my face crimsoned.

In the dark, Gon only nodded before awkwardly saying, "Let's go to sleep now..."

In the quiet dark room, the only sound was our breathing that was slowly easing again. Gon shifted and the bed creaked as he began to climb out of bed, but I quickly grabbed his wrist before he could leave, not wanting to lack any contact.

"Where are you going?" I softly asked, my throat feeling tight.

He glanced down at me with a blank look on his face, "I'll sleep on the floor so you can have the bed."

I stared into his eyes for a long hard moment, until murmuring to him, "Sleep here, with me.." And Gon's eyes widened for a moment but his lips curled into a small smile.

He whispered back a quick 'okay' so I scooted closer to the wall and Gon climbed in beside me. My head turned towards him and I placed a hand over his cheek possessively, before giving him one last soft sweet kiss because it just seemed to work like that. He grinned against it and I quickly turned away, to face the wall again.

Muscular arms made their way around my hips and stomach, and I felt Gon nuzzling into the nape of my neck.

Soon after we both fell asleep.


	11. Bullshit

Upon waking up, I burrowed my nose into some thick coarse strands. My eyes flickered open and repeatedly blinked against the sun rays pooling in through the half-open blinds. I rubbed my eyes with the back of my knuckle to rid of the sleepy haze, just to find my face tucked into Gon's lush black hair.

My white pale cheeks grew crimson as the memories from last night flooded back into my mind. A little blurry at first but I started to get a good idea about what happened nonetheless. My body went completely still, as I was scared to accidentally make a sudden move that would wake Gon up.

I was like a deer in headlights. Swallowing hard, I clutched my chest, hoping that by a mere graze, my heart would stop racing and slow down. When five minutes seemed to pass by, I slowly but surely carefully removed a hand he had hooked around my waist and sat up to look down at Gon's sleeping face.

My mouth dropped open as I carefully reached a hand out to lightly poke his nose and brush away a dark black strand on his forehead. His hair was messy in the morning, just like the last time we slept in the same room. The only difference now was that I was in Gon's bed and he was right here.. next to me.

I lightly skimmed his tan freckled cheek with a thumb, careful to not stir him awake. He looked so peaceful in his sleep, but alas all good things come to an end. I've got to leave before he wakes...

What would we say to each other? I can't possibly think of a single word to say to him about last night. I should go.. but the other half of me wants to burrow my face back into his hair and melt into him like ice-cream in a warm ceramic bowl, just like if we belonged to each other.

But truth is, I don't know what his reaction will be when he wakes up, and I feel too scared to stay and find out.

I carefully removed the thick, irresistible soft comforters and cautiously crawled over Gon to escape the bed. My upper-body felt bare and goosebumps began to form from the cold autumn air that blew in from the slightly opened screened window. My shirt was located on the ground, right in the middle of Gon's room, and the almost empty whiskey bottle just slightly peeking out from under the bed. I'm not exactly sure how Aunt Mito didn't notice it when she came to check on Gon.

I slipped my shirt back on and grabbed my phone to look at the time. Glancing at the screen, it read 9:24 AM.

Fuck. I overslept.

I grab my backpack off the floor and swing it around my arm before walking towards the doorway that led out of Gon's room. When I glanced back at his dormant face, my heart had immediately ached. And because who knows if I'd ever get to again, I rushed back over to the side of the bed and lightly pecked Gon's sweet lips before leaving without looking back once.

~*~

I walked through the school's hallways, staring down at the white tiled floor that was dressed with scuff marks from many pairs of shoes that traversed upon it. Whenever I looked up, the hallways looked full of drabness, and I was unsure if it always looked this dull and gray or if it was just this particular day. But not that it mattered. I want to apologize to Ikalgo as soon as possible, though I'm not even sure if he's here today. We had the first period English together and he didn't show up. I'm just hoping he's late and that's it.

Because I know I'll feel so much regret if I don't talk to him before I end up having to leave because of my family. I'm not confident enough if I'll be able to escape being the heir or anything, so maybe it's best to just... spend my last few days here with Ikalgo and my other friends of mine.

Gon said he wanted to help, but in no way I'm taking that serious. He obviously just tried to comfort me in the heat of the moment. In what universe would he ever want to really get mixed up with my problems.

I visibly shuddered at the remembrance of his lips skimming my sternum and a vague pink color splayed onto my cheeks. Tch. I've been questioning what he thinks. It's been the only thing on my mind, and so far he hasn't tried to reach out to me. It felt disappointing but relieving at the same time. So nothing mattered to him, right? Yeah, of course, it doesn't. He's said so many times before.

It was Thursday, and I was on my way to my History class with the stupid hag, Mrs. Kruegar. Yesterday, I decided to skip school due to the awful headache I had for having one too many sips of whiskey, plus I just figured it'd be better on myself to just take a rest. Not like my school grades were important anymore anyway when I've already got my life planned out ahead of me.

I entered through the classroom's doorway and took a place at my seat which was unfortunately located near the front. The teacher wasn't inside the classroom yet but the few other students had all turned their heads and stared at me as I walked in.

I refrained from rolling my eyes at my classmates and the teacher walked into the room with her usual high expectations. Mrs. Krueger was 'round thirty-seven years old but didn't look a day over twenty-five. Every day, she seemed to have worn some sort of magenta, whether it was her shirt, pants, or silly accessories pinned into her blonde hair.

To many straight male students at our school, she'd be attractive if she wasn't such a damn bitch.

The rest of the students who belonged in the class quietly made their way in and took a seat. Mrs. Krueger began her lecture, but her voice was easily drowned out by my thoughts and memories that occurred last night.

Gon's soft warm lips against mine, to his licking up my neck and his hands buried into my hair, what if it went beyond that? What if Mito hadn't come into the room? Just the thought made me feel a queasy heat in my stomach. Fantasizing like this was dangerous.

The more I think about it, the more I realize there's no point in the deal anymore. As the school tests draw near, my hope slowly diminishes. I've been in it with Gon far too deep.. he's been the only thing in my head and even if everything did mean to him as it meant to me, it wouldn't even matter because it'd have to end anyway. When I'm sent away and fated to never lay eyes on him or any of my friends again.

"Killua Zoldyck, please recite this line and tell me what it may infer." The teacher instructed out loud toward me and I jumped up from my thoughts.

I looked down at my literature textbook and realized that everyone was far ahead of me, and the classroom was eerily silent.

Fuck what page were we on?

Mrs. Kruegar must've read my mind because she spoke out loud with a vein twitching in her forehead in annoyance, "We're on page 117. Second to last line on the page."

"Right.," I said trailing off, which had stirred up a light giggle from a few random classmates.

As I recited the line and told some half-assed thought on it, I noticed the familiar ginger-haired boy walking past the outside the classroom window.

Ikalgo.

"-Mrs. Krueger, please let me excuse myself. I have something very important to do." I say as I pick my bag up and swing it around my shoulders. Mrs. Kruegar looked at me baffled like 'how dare you to interrupt our precious class time?'

"Killua Zold-" She began to sternly protest but I had walked out the classroom door without a second thought and shut the door behind me.

What was on my mind now, was Ikalgo. Perhaps its time to tell him some things.

Ikalgo disappeared behind a hallway corner so I sprinted to catch up. The hallways were empty so I didn't have to worry about some nosy students or a teacher to scold me for running in the corridor.

I reached and turned the corner so I wouldn't lose him. Ikalgo halted in his tracks when he heard my footsteps against the squeaky tiled floor. He turned towards me and his eyes widened and dark bushy brows raised at the sight of me.

"Killua.,?" 

I stopped in front of him and heaved a heavy sighed as I carded a finger through my hair.

"I think it's about time I should explain some stuff, yeah?" I weakly smiled at him.

He stood there, jaw dropped for a good moment until finally realizing what I meant. 

"Killua, you don't have to explain yourself to me anymore, I shouldn't have tried to pry." He said hurriedly, with his hands up like I was threatening to hold him at gunpoint.

I stifled an awkward laugh, "It's important and I want you to know." I paused for a moment to study him, was he busy at the moment or not?

"Do you think you could skip the rest of this period?"

His eyes wandered around the hallway while wearing a tight line on his lips like he was thinking, and I bit my lip in anticipation.

"Okay, where do you want to talk?" Ikalgo finally responded while heaving a sigh.

I chewed the skin inside my cheek since I hadn't really thought about that. The bathroom was too risky for what we had to discuss.

"Let's go to the roof." I murmured decidedly and we headed towards the school's staircase that leads to the second floor- or roof where quiet unsocial kids usually sat at to eat lunch.

~*~

I locked my fingers into the chainlink fence and stared out off-campus where many suburban houses and downtown stood. The fence shifted from under the weight of Ikalgo as he leaned onto it and looked over at me.

"How come you were late?" I murmured, my eyes glued onto an individual large building that caught my eyes.

"S'uh, just slept over my alarm."

I slowly nodded and there was silence between us. Not necessarily comfortable or uncomfortable.

I took a deep breath and faced him. "I guess I'll start with my apology and what happened at the office on Monday. But there are some things I can't reveal."

He nodded in understanding and waited patiently as I began to take a moment to myself and collect my thoughts.

"I'm really sorry, Ikalgo. I know you were just worried for me it's just-.." I trailed off and clenched my hand against the fence. It left indentation marks on my palm from gripping against it so hard.

Ikalgo interrupted me before I could say anymore, "Killua, you really don't have to apologize for that. I could tell something bad happened, It's not your fault. I know it." He consolingly spoke with brows that were furrowed worryingly.

I licked my lips and turned back towards the horizon. He was easily trying to dismiss it and that's what made him such a good and forgiving guy, yet it shouldn't be excusable.

"I shouldn't have snapped at you like that though- alright? You meant well, I know you did but I let my emotions get the best of me." My voice caught itself, but it wasn't anything humiliating to me like it was in front of Gon. This was my best friend I've had for 4+ years. 

He faintly smiled at me, "Well, I gladly accept your apology then."

Looking over at him, I've admired him and loved him platonically. It was he who made my dark middle school years a little bit more bearable after all.

"You mean a lot to me as a friend you know? Thank you for trying." I blurted out, and maybe it was corny but it was the truth.

"Killua you're about the most real friend I've had, you mean a lot to me too," Ikalgo spoke genuinely, and I could tell he meant it.

I smiled back at him, it was great to rekindle our friendship. Yet, the grin on my face quickly faded as Illumi's words came back haunted my mind. 'time for you to come home, Kil.' 

"Ikalgo, about what happened at the office on Monday..." I began, slowly trailing off my words. I've told Gon about my problems, but it'd be more reassuring for someone I know I share trust with to hear at least a few of my troubles.

"My family after next week are going to force me to leave this school and become homeschooled. I'm not sure if we'd ever see each other again once I leave." I blankly state. I don't feel as shaken up talking about it since it's the second time, but being cut off from Ikalgo? It had me torn on the inside.

When I was homeschooled, I was strictly not allowed to leave the mansion often. Hanging out with people after school was never an option. But them still enforcing the rule as I've gotten years older, is still unknown but presumably assumable that they would.

Ikalgo was silent, just like Gon. So I couldn't help but look over to see what expression he'd worn on his face.

His jaw dropped and he looked devastated, I never anticipated that news like this would make him look this upset.

"Killua..." Ikalgo began and sat up straight, his voice laced with stress.

My eyes faltered as I could no longer hold his gaze. I'd plan to give him the sugarcoated explanation, and I'd intended rightfully.

"They're the ones who hurt you back in Middle school.. right?" Ikalgo spoke quietly, and I immediately tensed up.

I could feel him staring at me as I gaped down at my black scuffed converse. My composure recollected before I looked up at him and pensively asked, "How'd you even know?" The scars I've had were easily excusable, so how'd he come up with that conclusion?

Worry clouded my best friend's dark-almost black eyes as my reaction must've confirmed his suspicions.

"Every day, I noticed slightly beneath the sleeve or collar of your shirts that there'd sometimes be an injury.." He paused while biting his lip, and I could tell from the way his fist twitched that he was clenching hard on it.

"It confirmed my suspicions when I saw you no longer getting any fresh bruises when you said you moved out." Ikalgo finished and I wanted to mentally facepalm myself. I'd worn a lot of turtlenecks back then to cover them. But I guess Ikalgo's too observant.

"Well.. yeah..I'm going to find some way out of this, it's okay.." I grimly announced to him, so he wouldn't get worked up. Unfortunately, it didn't sound convincing at all.

Ikalgo wore a troubled expression while stumbling his words escaped his mouth, "You can't-.. go back to them, l-look I'll help you out of this." He stared down at his hands.

Without meaning to, I quietly replied, "Gon said something along the lines of that too."

"Gon knows about this?" He glanced back up from his palms to me. Ikalgo looked quite surprised by this, but it felt like it didn't seem weird that Gon knew as Ikalgo seemed to make it out to be. It felt right despite a lot of my doubt for Gon to actually care.. but I don't really regret it. Because I love him.

"Yeah... but neither of you should get involved, you guys are already helpful for just listening to me. Get too concerned and my family might.. do something." I clenched my teeth as the last words escaped my mouth.

"I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if that happened." I finished and Ikalgo brows were pinched together.

He rubbed a hand through his ginger hair and sighed out, "You think I should just sit back and let this happen?"

"Yeah," I reply deadpanned.

"Killua.."

Before Ikalgo could protest, the bell rung, signally it was time for the next period. I pushed my backpack up onto my shoulders and began making my way towards the stairs, leaving Ikalgo by the chainlink fence.

I glanced back at him and put a small smile on my face. "Thank you for listening to me, Ikalgo. I'm happy you've forgiven me. Let's hang out some time for my last days here, okay?"

"Okay..." He murmured and my heart ached as he looked helpless. Because I think deep down he knew he couldn't do anything against my family. They're too powerful.

And so I turned back towards the stairs and went ahead of him. The hallways that were empty before we came onto the roof were now bustling with students trying to get to their next class.

The hallways I will soon probably no longer be able to walk through again.

~*~

The chilly autumn air rustled my wild white hair and caused goosebumps to race along my exposed arms. My team and I were dressed in our green and yellow soccer uniforms (which were unfortunately short sleeves) and were jogging out to the field for practice. Zushi and I were handling some equipment when I stopped and noticed a familiar black-haired boy sitting on the almost deserted bleachers.

Immediately, his head turned towards me and I was met with Gon's usual honey coffee-colored eyes and blank expression. I had almost flinched at the sudden eye contact but both of us held our gazes as we were both probably trying to read each other.

What's he here for? He never bothered to even reach out to me this morning nor in math class.

Only then did I look away when Zushi tugged on my shoulder while heaving a bag of soccer balls behind his back.

"What are you standing around for? C'mon." Zushi ushered impatiently, so I looked away from Gon. I rolled my eyes and followed Zushi farther in the field to the usual spot where we'd set down equipment such as cones, soccer balls, etc.

We began a practice game and the whole time I felt Gon watching me, which made me subconsciously drag my fingers into my hair from time to time in insecurity.

Thank god we were having a practice game because I, sure as hell wasn't going to be playing my best with all these repetitive thoughts of Gon that night. My fingertips haven't stopped tingling from the remembrance and sensation of touching Gon's skin. It's like they were numb but that could've just been the icy wind.

Coach Razor blew the whistle and the ball flew overheard towards my goal, so immediately I raced towards the ball while desperately trying to block out the intimate memories.

I heard footsteps just beside me and immediately when I turned my head I was met with Kurapika who was on the other team for practice. It caught me off-guard as I was the fastest runner on the team.

"Get your head in the game, you've let me catch up." Kurapika hissed out while breathing heavily. He looked like he was running his hardest as we were both aimed towards the ball that had been opened.

It was just practice to me, but to Kurapika, it was much more, because soccer meant a lot to him. This was surprising as he was also lowkey a book nerd, but I know, I know, that's just stereotypes. He took it all very seriously so for him, I suppressed my thoughts and dashed ahead.

I claimed the ball and pivot towards the direction I came from, and Kurapika was charging towards me. Quickly, I juked to the left and sprinted passed him while dribbling the ball.

In amidst of dribbling the ball, in the corner of my eye, I looked up at Gon in the bleachers who were watching me. Because of being distracted by his presence, I hadn't noticed the gopher hole in the field and suddenly my foot stepped into it awkwardly, wrenching my ankle and causing a sharp pain to shoot up my leg.

I stumbled but caught myself. However, I landed on my injured foot so I clenched my teeth in pain. Unfortunately, Coach Razor noticed and blew the whistle.

My breath hitched as the coach began to jog out in the field to look at what was probably a sprained ankle.

"Hey, I'm fine." I hissed under my breath, biting down hard on my lip as Coach Razor began to take my cleat off. I have to be fine. If I'm not this will be the last time I'm playing soccer because of my family. This isn't how I wanted it to end. Not playing some silly practice game.

Everything'll be fine. It won't be that bad and I'll be able to play the game on Saturday.

I frantically tried to reassure myself and gradually breathe in and out to suppress my panic.

He took the sock off and I winced looking down at my swollen ankle, a lurid dark purple color displayed onto my heel. All of a sudden all my hope diminished. There's no way I'm getting out of this one.

"Yeah, it'suh.. definitely sprained badly." Coach Razor announced with a tight line upon his lips. My mouth began to grow dry, because the look he gave said everything.

My throat began to feel tight as I hesitantly ask, "Coach, I can play on Saturday right?"

Coach Razor looked sympathetic like he was pitying me. My breath hitched as I realized that for sure playing on Saturday was not a possibility.

"This ain't good, Killua. You need to go to the nurse's office, ice it up and then head home." He said grimly while scratching his head and looking down at my sprained ankle.

After twisting my damn ankle, I had forgotten that Gon was even there until I saw the black-haired male trotting towards us from the bleacher's directions.

"Hey, I could help him to the nurse's office." He called out to my coach and I felt a splash of embarrassment. All my confidence earlier had shriveled up. I realized I wasn't ready to face him, so I averted my eyes.

"That'd be great, thank you. We need the practice to keep going." I heard Coach Razor say so I limped toward the school buildings, trying to leave ahead of Gon.

"Killua," Gon easily caught up and spoke with concern lacing his tone of voice. Gradually I lifted my head up and looked at him, who was offering his shoulder out for support. His eyes looking down at mine with compassion.

"I can move on my own. I'm not helpless." I muttered in a low resigned voice, and I'm unsure why. It felt.. wrong to get help from him. To touch his skin and get close.

Gon sighed and held out his forearm, beckoning me to grasp onto it, "At least grab onto my arm." he instructed.

Everyone knew about how stubborn he was, and I don't know if I'm up to argue about something so silly now.

I bit my lip for a good moment before huffing out in frustration and then curling my hands around his forearm. My fingers felt a tingling sensation from touching him. Even in the cold weather, his skin was always warm and cozy. I felt scared to even breathe.

I limped and he assisted me in the school building. After opening the door inside, I noticed Shizuku was down the corridor, standing before and admiring a trophy case.

(pfft dont mind me just tryna make Shizuku relevant again lmaoo)

Her head turned at the noise of the door and her eyes immediately widened when her gaze flickered down to my injured ankle.

She pivots towards me and rushed in worry.

"Killua, are you okay? What happened?" She blurted out and stood a foot away, looking down to inspect my ankle. Her concern made me want to roll my eyes in annoyance, but another part of me felt bad. She's a good person.

I bit my lip and straightened as much as I could to avoid looking pitiful, "It's nothing Shizuku."

Shizuku at the moment felt like a nuisance. My head spun from too many thoughts I already had running through my mind. Like Gon, my family, and like how today might be the last day I'll ever play soccer.

"You're heading to the nurse's office, right? Here Gon I'll take him from here, alright?" She said as she reached for my arm. I was about to pull away when Gon spoke up.

"No." He firmly stated, and Shizuku's hand halted and tensed up. His tone made me feel all queasy inside. The anxiety finally struck as I realized I'll have to talk to Gon alone about everything.

She looked up at Gon and put her hands on her hips. "Why not?" She asked with obvious annoyance in her tone.

"I need to talk with him, it's important." He urged impatiently and Shizuku frowned at this.

She clicked her tongue and turned to me, "Tch, fine. Killua call me later, okay?"

I nodded and she walked passed us towards the hallway door from which we came from. She exited the building and once we heard the sound of the door shut we continued towards the nurse's office.

Gon opened the door and I staggered in with him following closely behind. Looking at the room, it was of course familiar because every other day as a soccer player I'd have an incident like this once in a while. It was always empty as the nurse would go home for the day, and the school was open only till 6 PM so people who have practices after school can access this place.

I swiped the curtain out of the way and sat down onto the bed. Gon was rummaging through the cabinets for some bandages.

"What.. did you want to talk about?" I hesitantly asked and Gon visibly tensed up. Gradually he picked up where he left and grabbed some bandages out of the cupboard.

Gon opened the mini freezer beside the cabinets and pulled out an icepack before muttering, "That can wait, I'm going to help."

I carded a hand through my white locks and my brows pinched in confusion. "You were only supposed to escort me here, I can treat myself."

He ignored me and walked towards me before halting at the edge of the nurse's bed.

"Killua, scoot up and lay down." Gon instructed softly and set the bandages and icepack farther down the bed.

I defiantly stayed still and bit my cheek for a moment, but when Gon stared into my eyes and didn't budge, I eventually gave in and swung my legs onto the bed before scooting up until my back hit the wall.

The mattress weighed down as Gon sat at the edge of the bed and heat began to spiral in my stomach. He pressed the icepack against my heel and I shuddered at the icy touch. He hummed quietly and the way he looked so caring made me feel bitter in some kind of way.

The warmness vanished as it didn't feel right. So like the fucking pessimistic asshole I'll always be I blurted out, "You don't have to do my homework anymore."

Gon paused before looking up at me and tentatively asking, "We've only got a week left, why?" His gaze roamed my face and I made sure to not break the poker face I had worn.

I tried to read him, but there was nothing there I could interpret.. but why bother asking? He should feel happy, shouldn't he?

"There's no point anymore, my futures been decided for me already," I muttered out and hung my head low to avoid looking at his cute freckled face any longer before I'd have to the urge to kiss him. I have to end my urges.. because right now the tension of being alone with him is overwhelming, and I have to get over him sooner or later. Before I get even more attached and make a fool out of myself.

"Killua, it doesn't have to be like that." Gon whispered out breathy and it sent shivers down my spine. Can he feel it too? Does he want me as I want him at this moment?

Fuck even if he did it doesn't even change a damn thing.

I grit my teeth and continued to stare down at my lap. "You and I aren't going to do anything about it, and I wouldn't even let you interfere anyway."

"Please keep coming over." He said quietly which caused me to jerk my head back up to look at him. It sounded so fucking real that my heart began to ache even more. And my jaw almost dropped at how pretty his dark lashes looked.

I snapped out of my trance and shifted on the bed to get in a more comfortable position before asking, "Why, Gon?"

What the hell would he get out of this?

For a moment he looked like he was at a loss for words. His brows furrowed and he started to avoid my eyes.

"I... It's good practice for me." He mumbled and sure enough, I knew it was a very dumb excuse, but it still left me eating that shit right up. So of course I've believed every stupid thing that came from his mouth.

I stayed quiet and my throat stressfully tightened as Gon started to wrap my ankle and heel in bandages. I couldn't help but admire how quick and skillful he worked. He was so gentle that it reminded me of how Gotoh would tend my injuries.

He was overall tender but Gon accidentally bumped his thumb into a sensitive painful spot and I couldn't help but let out a small whimper from the pain.

He abruptly hesitated before looking up at me. "Are you okay?" He asked with a soft tone of voice and damn did it sound so sweet.

I gritted my teeth while nodding at him and he continued to bandage my ankle until he was finished.

"I'll get going now.." Gon said with a sigh and began to get up from the bed, my reflexes shot out and I grabbed his wrist to keep him from leaving. He looked at me with widened eyes before settling back down.

I bit down hard on my lip and mumbled, "What'd you come for.." I wasn't ready to face him, but I was disappointed that he was just going to up and leave like that.

My eyes were closed shut and fingers were still grasped around his wrist as I was desperate to not lose any sort of contact. I hate this so much. Why do I feel like I'll die without touching him? Just a moment ago I wanted to get over him as soon as I could.

My cheeks flushed at the embarrassing awkward silence until I felt the bed creak and shift. When I opened my eyes, Gon's face was only a mere inch away from mine and I subconsciously licked my lips. His eyes flickered down to my mouth and I felt at a loss for words.

My face flushed and my breathing started to rapidly grow faster, Gon must've noticed because he let out a light rumbling chuckle before leaning forward and making contact with our lips.

The same warm lips I'd been craving again. The same warm lips I thought I'd never taste again after Tuesday night. My hands made their way around the nape of his neck and immediately I melted into the embrace. His tongue entered inside and I tilted my head back so our mouths would line up perfectly and so that his tongue could explore my mouth once again.

It all felt so surreal, to be sober and do this. Gon broke the kiss and both of us took shaky and shallow breaths. He softly groaned, "Hold on.." before getting up and for a moment I almost let out a whine of protest at the loss of contact.

He closed the curtains before climbing back and getting on top of me. Fuck I was almost disappointed as I thought he was just going to up and leave, but a huge wave of relief washed me as he came back.

His lips came into contact with mine again and it gradually became something much more urgent. Gon's hands palmed my hips and I slightly jerked at the mere contact. I clutched my hands into his black hair which was now all messy from my fingers rummaging through it and locked my legs behind his back as he kissed me deeper.

Gon's mouth pulled apart from mine only to kiss me in other places. His lips skimmed my skin and trailed down to my jaw and then to my neck. As I was no longer overwhelmed by his kiss, I started to realize the situation now.

"Gon.. I thought you didn't like me.." My voice wavers, exhilarated from the tension in the air. My hands were still grasped onto him, as I was scared he would pull away from my question.

"What does kissing have anything to do with liking or loving each other." He said low and husky, My breath hitched as his tender lips brushed against my neck. He grew more urgent and one of his arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me closer. 

I see now, and all of a sudden as the words registered through my mind, the skim of his lips didn't feel all that sweet anymore. Tch, is he really the bipolar one? Or is it me... with all these conflicting feelings.

"We're at school.. aren't you worried?" I ask, biting down hard on my lip to avoid an upcoming groan from escaping my mouth. Gon nibbled down on an individual sensitive spot on my neck and it made it all so much harder to try and pull away.

He nuzzled into my jaw and whispered, "I don't care right now, I've been craving you ever since you came over."

His hot breath washed over me and I shivered at it all. They were words I wanted to hear.. but I couldn't help and think, bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.

My hands made their way to his shoulders and I pushed him back. Big heavy breaths escaped my throat. Gon looked confused and his face was all flushed.

His face was covered in hot slick sweat and mine probably was too. The way he looked made me want to climb back in and touch him some more. But I think it's better to not let things escalate any further...

"I've got to go," I say as I get up from the bed and move the white curtains out of the way.

When I looked back at him, he just stayed silent, sitting there at a loss for words. And fuck, I would be too...

I've done enough apologizing this whole month, so desperate to not leave on bad terms, I awkwardly murmured to him, "Thanks.. I.. um.."

My cheeks heated at the stuttering in my voice so I took a deep breath to calm myself and finished. "Leorio invited me over on Friday. I'll be there, okay?"

A 'mhm' was the only response I had gotten before I limped out of the nurse's office.


	12. Jealousy

The building that was presumed to be Leorio's house stood before me as I sealed the car door. It wasn't oversized but it was unmistakably not small either. The passenger side car door slammed shut and I glanced back at Kurapika who had his hands in his pockets. After a good amount of time begging, I had persuaded him to come since I didn't really like a lot of Gon's buddies. Leorio had insisted on inviting him anyway.

Not sure why I had felt like attending this party, because now I feel so damn anxious for no particular reason. Perhaps it's because I would barely know a soul who is attending besides Kurapika, Ikago, and Gon. It was 'round 10:30 sharp and I slipped through the front door with Kurapika. Uneasy, I subconsciously wiped off my perspiring palms onto my black tee. 

When I passed by a room, I promptly identified a few people, but my nervousness didn't dwindle in the slightest. They were the last people I wanted to see, due to personal reasons and judgment. Gon and Shalnark were chatting in the room with some other folks. As I crossed by the place, my blue orbs met with Shalnark's aqua-green glance and I swear I saw him clutch onto Gon's shoulder tighter.

I clenched my teeth and went straight to the kitchen, losing Kurapika in a small gathering of people I hadn't recognized that were assumably acquaintances of the basketball team. Premade alcohol drinks were on the counter in the kitchen and I happily helped myself to a few. I stood in a corner, slowly sipping my drink without any intention of looking for Gon just yet when a hand clapped my back.

"Hey, I'm glad you made it." I turned to the voice who had indiscriminately invaded my private space, and it turned out to be Leorio. He gave me a warm grin, and okay fine, maybe Leorio wasn't such a terrible guy I had made out all of Gon's friends to be.

Though I almost recoiled at the vague scent of alcohol that came from him, I took another sip before responding, "Uh yeah, Kurapika made it here too but I'm unsure where he went." 

"Oh really? Thanks for getting him to come. You know, Gon's out in the backyard now right?" Leorio informed and my hand carrying the drink I had twitched. 

I only nodded and licked my lips, pretending as if I hadn't seen him on the way in. I wanted a little time to myself so I could loosen up, but Leorio hinting to me to go talk to him was making things complicated.

But thankfully, Leorio sighed and clutched another drink from the counter before returning to me and declaring, "I'm going to go meet up with them, maybe I'll run into you later, Killua."

"Okay yeah, I'll be there soon," I called after Leorio as he exited the kitchen with another beverage in his hand. A couple I hadn't recognized came in after him and were indecently flirting and pouring each other drinks.

I stifled an eye roll in irritant before downing the rest of my drink and grabbing another to-go. My eyes sought the crowd of people to find anyone even slightly familiar to talk to. 

When I lost faith I decided to weave through the masses to try and find Ikalgo specifically, because I knew he was here somewhere. We've conversed a few times since yesterday and he's behaved like always as if nothing happened. Though sometimes I feel like he's forcing it on himself so our farewells can be happier. The concept pains me, I'd be grateful that he's trying to put up a front but I'd rather he be open about his genuine feelings as well. 

As I shifted past a few already wasted people in the crowd, a drunk girl came up to me a clutched onto my shirt and I rolled my eyes.

Not again.

"Excuse me?" I say in a passive-aggressive tone but she didn't seem to take the hint. I rolled my eyes and ducked out of her grasp. There wasn't enough alcohol in my system for this shit. 

By the time I finished my second drink, I felt a little looser and less out of place in the environment. It wasn't nearly as obnoxious as Phink's house but there was still music blasting loudly and people dancing, just on a smaller scale. 

Upon slipping around people, my eyes shone at the sight of my best friend Ikalgo who was talking to a girl. She had slick black oily hair and purple lipstick. She seemed more on the quiet side and that was definitely Ikalgo's dating type.

I felt some excitement for him. The last time he's had a girlfriend was last year and the girl cheated on him after seeing him for four months. He was pretty damn unhappy about it but I was there to console him. 

"Hey, Ikalgo! Who is this?" I grin and wrap my arm around his shoulder; nodding my head towards the girl's direction to emphasize who I was asking about. Ikalgo returned my smile, he didn't seem too drunk but there was still bitter whiskey coming from his breath.

"Palm, this is Killua, Killua this is Palm." He announced and looking at Palm she really was pretty with the casual purple dress she wore. Don't mistake me for checking her out or anything though. Just gotta make sure she's suitable for Ikalgo you know?

I gave her a long teasing look and turned to Ikalgo with a smirk, "Well, I'm gonna go find someone. I approve of this one, good luck." Ikalgo's freckled cheeks had turned bright pink as I unhooked my arm around his shoulder and walked off towards the party. 

I planned to hang out with Ikalgo a little longer but Palm was already giving him company and I'm pretty sure he's trying to get with her. Can't be a bad friend and interrupt them yeah? 

After passing through a room full of lazy stoners sitting on couches that stenched of weed, I found the door that leads towards the backyard where even more teens stood around. A familiar laugh rang in the air and my head jerked towards it to see Gon playing beer pong with some friends of his. 

Those friends being, Leorio, Knuckle, Feiten, Shalnark, and his prissy little girlfriend, Retz. They were all laughing and hanging out together and all of a sudden I felt extreme regret for coming outside. 

I was about to turn away and walk back inside when I heard Leorio's damn loud ass voice beckon me over, "Hey! Killua you're finally out here. Come play beer pong with us!" His tongue was obnoxiously boisterous and I could tell he got much drunker since we met in the kitchen. 

My head turned towards them and Gon sidetracked his eyes. Something told me he was embarrassed or didn't want me there. If I'd hadn't felt welcomed at all yet, this would confirm it. The only people I was on alright terms were Leorio and Feiten. 

But alas, before I could say no and leave, Leorio walked up to me and secured an arm around my shoulder to drag me near the two plastic tables where everyone was suddenly a little tenser than before. The drunk buzz kept it from being entirely awkward.

Thankfully Leorio kept the atmosphere hyped up and began resetting up the table for another a new round. The drinks I had earlier were pretty strong but damn there was no drowning out the anxious feeling I had now. Maybe if I drink a few more from these games I won't feel so tense. But there's no way I'm letting myself lose that easily.

"Alright, Knuckle and Killua, you guys are on this end of the table. Shalnark and Gon you guys on the other." Leorio pointed out and I reluctantly took my place behind the set up of cups, each filled with beer. I looked up at Gon and Shalnark and couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy. Believe me, I already know It's childish.

Leorio stepped back and tossed me and Knuckle two ping pong balls. "You guys can just go first since you've got the soccer boy." He said to Knuckle and glanced at me with a playful chuckle. 

I bit my lip in irritation. So they're underestimating me because I exceed in soccer? They must not know I'm actually a fucking beer pong genius then. Tch, it'll just make it all much more worthwhile to see their reactions when I kick their ass in this game.

"Alright, fine." I clicked my tongue and tossed the ping pong ball in my hand a few times before casting it towards the cups on the other side of the table.

...

The whole world was beginning to tilt as subtle cheers came out from some bystanders who were watching the game. Gon tossed the ball into my last few cups, confirming his and Shalnark's victory. 

Fuck, okay maybe they had a good reason to be so confident. But they were looking pretty shabby as well, so can't say I was too bad against them. Whatever, I blame it on the fact that they've had crazy practice for being party freaks and hosting every damn weekend.

I wobbled towards the edge of the house and leaned against the wall to stable myself. After having so many drinks I couldn't roam around at all without stumbling. My hand dragged through my hair and I tilted my head back in an attempt to gain control of my senses.

As Leorio reset the table for other players, I stole a quick peek at Gon who held Retz in his arms. Jealousy burned within and I heaved out an annoyed sigh just at the sight of her getting his affection.

"You like him or something?" A low voice suddenly said and I swear saying my heart dropped was an understatement. I tensed up and looked over at Shalnark who was slouched against the wall beside me, his hair slightly messy from being under the influence of alcohol. 

My jaw dropped and after a good moment I finally denied, "No, what are you talking about?" Looking into his blue and green iris's, he looked unconvinced. 

"Cut the bullshit. I can tell by the way you look at him." Shalnark snapped at me and I scoured the people around us, terrified if any of them could catch our conversation. My hand curled tightly into a fist as I realized there was no denying shit.

"Yeah, okay I do. What the fuck are you talking to me for?" I mumbled lowly, careful to make it inaudible to the people passing by. I would've been much keener on denying it if it was one of Gon's straight friends, but this was Shalnark, the one sharing the same secret. Something told me he wouldn't spill shit. 

Was it him I had to be worried about though...?

He stood up to me, suddenly there was a threatening hostile gleam in his eyes. Shalnark was never the slightest bit intimidating to me, he was built short and stocky, but fuck I'm really wayyy to fucking drunk to deal with some bullshit right now.

Shalnark tucked his hands into his pockets and stared at me, his eyes hard with a sneer plastered on his face, "I've had my eyes on him first, don't fuck around with people who aren't yours."

The fuck?

"He doesn't belong to anyone, why are you acting so controlling?" I snipped back at him and swallowed guiltily, knowing damn well I'd been overly jealous for him from the start. That I wasn't much better than Shalnark, and that I could understand how he felt.

His hands left his pockets and he curled them into balls, I had gotten the impression that I must've provoked him because he looked a little pissed off at my retort. 

But after a good minute, Shalnark visibly relaxed and put his hands back into his jacket while giving me a smirk that could definitely not be interpreted as friendly. "He doesn't fuck you, does he? Can't really relate with that" He added in a whispery tease. 

I tensed up and his words screamed on replay in my head. All of a sudden I had a real eager fucking urge to punch him square in the jaw.

I wanted to blurt out something stupidly exaggerated like, 'Oh really? So have we, fuckface.' even though all we'd ever done was makeout. I just wanted to get him all riled up but thankfully a voice had interrupted my opportunity to embarrass myself. 

"Hey, Shalnark come over here and try this drink I made," Feiten called over to him and Shalnark's smirk quickly faded into an expression more hostile like before.

"I fucking mean it, Killua. Or else we're going to have a problem." He hissed threateningly under his breath before walking away towards Feiten who was holding up a red plastic cup. I'd only stared at his back as he walked away, feeling anger and jealousy boil up inside me.

Who the fuck does he think he is to tell me what to do? 

The remainder of Shalnark being in Gon's room or vice versa, broke something inside me. Like a crack formed in my chest. What's funny is I had already been knowing, but hearing it be confirmed and said by Shalnark? That hurt like a bitch.

You know what?

All the intimate moments we've had officially don't mean shit to me anymore. I'd grown tired of my jealousy quicker than I had anticipated. My thoughts before were conflicting on whether or not to keep fooling around with Gon. But I've decided it. I'm just being used, right?

The thought of Gon's sex life was haunting me in the back of my mind, like a damn ghost that wouldn't leave my head and that would keep shitting on any positive thought. I hate this feeling so damn much. My family was right, emotions are shit to deal with. They were just looking out for me, weren't they? To stop me from feeling these stupid heartbreaks. Is that what this is? Heartbreak or severe jealousy? Shit, it doesn't even matter because both of those feelings suck.

I facepalmed myself, baffled by my own thoughts because I must be kidding with myself. My family doesn't care about me in the slightest, they only see me as someone to carry on the business. If they did care about me they'd let me live my life however I wanted to.

A slight throbbing headache surfaced and I felt it all over my cranium. I couldn't tell if it was from the overwhelming bipolar thoughts I was having or from the stupidly loud party attendees yelling out and cheering over some drunk guy chugging from the keg.

I stroked my head to little the pain as much as possible. When I realized it wasn't going to go away anytime soon, I wobbled over to a more isolated area; the side of the house where there were little to no people. I had to clear away from the noise and to sober myself a little bit more. It was still young in the night but any chance of feeling good was ruined thanks to stupid Shalnark.

Maybe I should just call a friend or something to pick me up...

I leaned back against the picket fence, and took out my phone from my pocket; letting it dangle in my hand while making zero attempts to make a call.

My mind wandered back through the days since two weeks ago. Do Gon and Shalnark sneak out at night together? Does Shalnark and Mito get along? Does Gon comfort Shalnark in his arms whenever he has problems he doesn't want to deal with? 

After a good 5 minutes that felt like an eternity, I heard the sound of fallen leaves getting crunched under some uneven footsteps that were making their way towards me. I glanced up at Gon who was definitely as drunk as I was. The unrhythmic pattern in his jagged steps said it all.

Speak of the devil. It almost seems like some dumb high school cliche.

"What do you want?" I slurred with obvious hostility and something flickers across Gon's face. The blank expression that he wore turned into something like vague confusion. He halted for a moment before casually making his way to my side again. 

He stood beside me, leaning against the picket fence while looking down at me hesitantly. The yellow tinge of the autumn moon illuminated his soft features in the dark. It was far from peaceful though, being in the presence of the last person I'd wanted to be alone with. Not to mention the headache I was feeling at the moment.

"I just wanted to hang out with you." He replied slowly and instead of being washed in a wave of warmth, anger and jealousy began to boil up inside me and fill my veins. The fuck? What, he wants attention? He can go get Shalnark for that. 

I scoffed and turned my head away, and sure it was petty, but I didn't want to see his damn face at the moment. "Sure didn't seem that way earlier. You looked like you were embarrassed to see me."

"Look, I was embarrassed-okay? You would be too if you were in my shoes." Gon replied back in defense, he reached a hand out to place upon my shoulder. Like he was trying to console me. Perhaps he must've picked up the amount of anger I held within at the very moment.

My heart began to race and I yanked away when his fingers skimmed my collar. I growled at him softly, "Do you mess around with Shalnark like you mess with me?"

Gon straightened from the fence and stepped back. His eyes brows pinched in confusion until his iris's grew hard and fierce. "N-no I- What? So what if I do? That's none of your business. I'm not your fucking boyfriend or anything." He hissed back with the same hostility, and the tone only provoked me up more.

Yet a small voice in the back of my head had known it already. He's right, it really is none of my business. But instead of being a damn decent person and admitting to being wrong, threatening words were the only thing that escaped my lips. 

"Yes, it fucking is, I'll spill your shit. Don't test me." I yelled out, possibly audible to the people nearby, that were partying outside. But I don't care. Fuck Gon at this point. Fuck him for using me and making me feel dumb.. He should feel embarrassment too.

The laughter and cheers in the background had suddenly died down. No noise present besides the music blasting out in the open chilly air. Behind Gon, I watched as nosy people began to peek around to see what was going on.

My pain had only gotten worst and the world only continued to tilt. When I looked up at Gon's face there was a hint of fear in his orbs, as the area we were in wasn't entirely secluded or anything, anyone could hear me if I yelled too loud.

"Killua quiet the fuck down." He snarled lowly, careful to not gain too much attention, but as people began to surround us and watch our situation, it was inevitable to blend in and deal with our problems without acknowledgment. 

Seeing the anxiety in his eyes, only made me more satisfied. I squeezed my eyes shut, eager to let the anger, envy, and impatience pour out into my upcoming curses and yells, "No. You fuck around with Shalnark, and you're so inconsiderate of my feelings. Fuck you. How do you think I've been feeling about it after you kiss me? Do you think I'm fucking fine with being used? Well, I'm not."

I breathed out shakily, from the tension, my heart racing and I stared wide-eyed to the people who'd been listening. The people who were now making assumptions based on what they heard. Yet the rambling hadn't stopped there when it should have. No, it should've stopped way before that..

Mouths of the bystanders have dropped open at the drama, some already taken out the phones and recording with the flash on. But still, I ignored it. 

"Killua- please." Gon whispered out. But every time he opened his mouth, it just made me more pissed off. My jaw tensed tightly.

Pure wrath poured from my heart to my lips, spilling out things I was meant to keep inside all bottled up. "I can't tell if you're seriously oblivious or if you secretly fucking knew it all, and just wanted to humiliate me." I snapped out and people were murmuring to each other in shock from the previous claims. What did they think of this?

"Killua-" Gon began but I cut him off. A sharp snap flying from my tongue. 

"Shut up, let me finish." I sneered out because if I hadn't It felt like I wouldn't get another opportunity to express to him how I feel. 

Gon had only stayed quiet like he'd lost hope. He stood there staring down at his shoes as peering eyes stared around us. He was still and appeared embarrassed. The chants grew louder and I yelled out, desperate to drown them out. "Is anything we do real to you? Or am I really just being used by you like Shalnark and Retz?"

Realizing the number of people around us made my voice waver in distress. "Being close to you is fucking doing shit to me, and it's so god damn unbearable to hear you do the same shit with other people, said straight from Shalnark himself!" 

I stared down at my fists, scared to see the reactions of the people who were probably disgusted. Now did it cross me, it was too late to go back. I bit down hard on my lip in fear. It felt like nothing though. Everything was physically numb. My face, my hands, and my knees. 

"But fuck, you're so damn self-centered. And yet, I still.." I sputtered out weakly, my legs growing wobbly beneath me. My anger was dying down... and everything began to ache. 

"I-I still fucking love you so much," I yelled out breathlessly, my face flushed hot and red. My voice was hoarse from shouting out my feelings away and I shut my eyes tightly and pulled Gon into an embrace. His lips didn't feel warm at all like they usually were. His figure froze beneath me, startled by my actions.

When Gon regained his composure, I felt hands make their way to my chest and Gon shoved me hard enough to make it hurt. Barely enough time passed for me to open my eyes before a fist collided into the side of my jaw.

I staggered back and was slammed against the picket fence. My tongue stung in pain as I must've accidentally bit down on it in impact. Soon enough I could sense the metallic coppery taste of blood in my mouth. I placed my numb hand to where Gon had punched me and I looked up at him with wide eyes. The realization of the situation hit me in my drunken state. 

Looking up at Gon, he looked terrified. His cheeks red, his eyes widened and his arms still raised after he pushed me away. My jaw hurt like a bitch and I couldn't help but weakly smile at him like I knew I fucked up.

What have I done...

The guilt ate away at my guts. My insides gradually died in shame, replacing it with nothing but humongous regret. Gon... I read his writings, acknowledged that he had a lot to lose, yet I deliberately leaked out something that wasn't my place to tell. I've.. embarrassed him. All this for a silly emotion.

Tears leaked from my tear duct. My vision going blurry, as I searched the crowd of people around us and suddenly there were too many people I'd recognized who had witnessed. Ikalgo... Shalnark... Kurapika and all of Gon's friends... 

The only sound I could hear was the voices of people judgementally mumbling to each other. it was dangerously quieter and I could hear my own shaky heavy breath as several pairs of eyes looked at us with revulsion. 

Looking back at Gon, I could no longer read his expression. His face and eyes grew dark, and he stayed silent. Tears slipped and I covered my face with a hand before stumbling through the crowd. Pushing people aside to quickly leave and run away from my problems like the damned coward I was. 

How was I so sure those were Gon's true intentions? Why does jealousy strive me to such lengths?

What the hell is wrong with me?


	13. Bruises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: Some gay slurs are used in this story! IF you are offended, please let me know and I will tone it down a bit.

My eyes were bored; unfocused onto the whiteboard that Mr. Wing had dressed in letters of ink. Nothing about the lesson was on my mind, as I was swamped in my own guilty thoughts. The ache in my jaw from Gon did no help to suppress them as it was just a daily reminder.

It was the first period, and I dreaded coming today for obvious reasons. My eyelids weighed down heavily as I was tired enough to ignore the occasional pencils, spitwads, and erasers that were thrown at the back of my head.

Only then did I snap out of my thoughts and tiredness when a crumpled ball of paper bounced onto my desk in front of me. Reluctantly, I picked the paper up and glanced at two mischievous classmates who had tossed it, unfriendly smirks were plastered on their features.

I uncrumpled the paper ball, and to no astonishment was it covered in the same repetitive word, over and over that I had been expecting.

Faggot. Faggot. Faggot.

Nothing about it provoked me, as enough anger had been spilled in the last few days. No hatred towards them, just plain guilt, and regret for my actions.

I deserve this. Gon doesn't.

The only thing I could wonder was, how was Gon doing in his first period? The idea of him getting mistreated the way I was right now was unbearing yet it's my fault in the first place.

Ever since Friday night, I'd been sulking in my damn room all weekend. My phone shut off since Ikalgo blew it up, and I'm too terrified to look at his messages and see what he thinks. I had also gotten at least ten videos sent of the incident, and after watching it once, I was for sure done with my phone.

Ikalgo was here today, but I refused to let my eyes wander to the seat he usually sat at in this classroom. I'd never turned to look at him, but I knew he was here.

When I had gotten back at my apartment that night, Zushi hadn't said a word to me, and I'm unsure how he feels about my sexuality. The silence is unnerving, does he hate me now?

"Alright class, you can chat with each other and work on the new assignment now." Mr. Wing said aloud as walked away from the whiteboard to sit down in his office chair. The white collared polo shirt was messily untucked from his jeans, just like always. Perhaps that might be the only thing that stays the same today.

I stared down at the pencil in my hand, making no attempt to actually get to work, when all of a sudden a hand clapped against the nape of my neck and I harshly winced at the contact.

"Hey fruitcake, you wanna suck my dick after school?" A blonde-haired male classmate sneered. The same one who'd been giving me trouble all of the class.

Instead of answering to his tease, I had ignored his presence while looking down at my paper until he'd deliberately slammed his hand onto the desk trying his best to provoke me.

Johness, was his name. He was taller than me but skinny. He must've gotten brave when he found out I liked men as if that made a difference to my physical strength. It was as if I had all of a sudden turned as feminine as a woman.

But if I even looked at them before they knew they would've been pissing themselves. Johness's sharp mouth has gotten him beaten up quite a few times.

I could tell my silence provoked him because, in front of me, his hand had twitched in anger from me giving him the silent treatment.

"Didn't you fucking hear me? Answer." He urged aggressively, yet I stayed looking down, avoiding his eyes. He didn't scare me, but it all felt... deserving... to be in this position of degradation.

Soon enough, my head was yanked back as Johness clutched my hair tightly. The roots of my hair were stinging in pain as he tugged on them. I grit my teeth in resistance as a familiar voice emerged. Reluctantly, I tried to shift my head to see who this well-known speaker was.

"Get your hands off him," Ikalgo demanded, and the grip on my white locks had immediately been loosened. My eyes widened at my ginger-haired friend who had spoken out for me, without a care in the world for his reputation.

Johness clutched only tighter for a moment like anger was building up in him. But soon enough, I could tell he suppressed it as soon as he let go of my hair and turned to Ikalgo.

With a nasty smirk, Johnesse teased while sizing Ikalgo up. "Is he your slut or something? Don't tell me what to do."

I had only stayed quiet as Ikalgo heaved a sigh and leaned forward toward Johness, muttering something lowly that I could not interpret at all. But whatever it was had made the blond-haired male's face blanch.

Johness scrubbed a hand through his hair in distress before stalking back to his desk, hissing under his breath. "Tch. Fine, whatever."

Curiosity pricked me, as I wondered what Ikalgo had said to him.

"What'd you say to him?" I blurted out to him, my lips moved without thinking. I had wanted to facepalm myself, the first words should've been 'thank you.'

Ikalgo glanced down at me before murmuring quietly, "Something personal.. he shouldn't fuck with you again though."

"Thanks," I reply to him as I look back down at my desk, eager to avoid talking much longer. Terrified to find out if he thinks I'm revolting. But somewhere deep inside me was a little disappointed that Ikalgo interfered. It's like I'm getting away with something unpunished.

Yet to my dismay, he'd dragged an empty desk, placing it beside mine and sitting down in it.

"Let's get working on this, yeah?" He said to me while his lips were curled in a smile which caused warmth to flood in my chest.

It caught me off guard, but once I regained my composure I awkwardly responded with, "Y-yeah." Stumbling upon my words in the process.

He didn't seem to care one bit, maybe he didn't mind. Maybe I should've assumed that from the start, we've trusted each other for a good long time after all.

I had contemplated leaving and maybe going back to my family's mansions earlier to run away from my problems like aways. But just maybe, I'll stay behind awhile longer, just for Ikalgo. And... Gon.. so he doesn't have to be the only one.. I owe it to him.

Even if we'll never speak to each other again, it's unfair for him and Shalnark to go through it all alone.

But at this point, I've... accepted that there's nothing I'll be able to do for him to forgive me.

I felt a huge ache in my chest at the thought, so I clutched onto my shirt in hopes of it disappearing. It was going to end up this way anyway, wasn't it? I'd been anticipating this and fuck- I didn't think it'd hurt this bad.

Ikalgo must've noticed because he placed a hand on my shoulder to reassure me. After that, I'd finally gotten some motivation to do the assignment as he did it with me. Ikalgo was silent the whole time, not making any effort to bring up Friday. To some extent, I'm grateful for it. But I began to get another itching concern; doesn't he want to talk about it?

I bit my lip, anxious to bring it up. My hand paused from writing and I glanced over at Ikalgo who was focused on his assignment.

I murmured lowly, only faint enough for him to hear, "Do you..." Ikalgo looked up at the sound of my voice, but I hesitantly continued, "..Do you hate me for it?"

He immediately goes still, before setting his pencil down. He shifts in his seat towards me, looking at me with those dark black eyes of his.

Softly, Ikalgo answers, "Of course not, what kind of friend would I be if I were to hate you simply for having a preference?"

It was like something warmed blossomed throughout my body, and instantly a smile appeared upon my lips. "You might be the only one who'll say that. Thank you."

Ikalgo gave me hope. Maybe there'll be more people who'll accept me and Gon. Or perhaps.. Shalnark too. I'm not too concerned for him because of my own petty feelings, but... I'm unsure. Half of me is guilty for him but I also can't help but feel a little giddy for the fact he's.. suffering in some way or another. Tch. Have I learned anything?

To me, it doesn't matter too much if no one else besides Ikalgo accepts me, it's my last week here anyway. I'm just hoping that there'll be more people who'll accept Gon.

"Remember that girl I introduced to you at the party?" Ikalgo said aloud with a grin that snapped me out of my thoughts. Suddenly I started to feel some excitement like the old times when he'd talk to me about his crushes.

For a moment, I had to think about who he was talking about until the memory came back to me from that night.

"Yeah, her name was Palm, right? How're you guys doing?" I ask him in remembrance of the girl with black hair and purple lipstick from the crowd.

"Well, I really like her-and I think she likes me too." Ikalgo shyly said, scrubbing a hand through his hair in embarrassment. His cheeks were tinted pink just talking about it and it made me feel content that his love life was going his way.

Maybe other people would get upset if their friend was chatting about their succeeding love life in front of them after they'd got completely rejected- but I was genuinely happy for him.

"She seems like a good person, I'm rooting for y'all," I say to him in encouragement.

Ikalgo quickly murmured a 'thanks' while staring back down at the worksheet. Then he suddenly said, "Oh- hey I got the last question." before scribbling something down on the paper. I chuckled and peered over to see the answer he'd gotten.

"Okay class, the bell is going to ring in two minutes. We're starting tests tomorrow." Mr. Wing announced out loud as he got up from this desk and began to collect papers.

As he came by, I gave him mine and Ikalgo's worksheet. I felt some dread hearing the word 'tests.' It was just another reminder.

~*~

The lunch bell struck, and upon entering the cafeteria, people who were already inside perked their heads towards me and stared. The tension beneath soo many gazes was overwhelming, but I quickly and quietly got my lunch. Guess it spread around pretty quickly.

Looking over at the basketball table, it had everyone except Gon and Shalnark who were nowhere to be seen in the cafeteria. My heart hurt because when I came in, I was half expecting to see Gon talking with his buddies again as if nothing had changed. Of course, it did though. That was the sad truth.

But where was he?

My eyes matched with Ikalgo who was seated at the table. When he noticed me, he swung his legs around the bench seat; picking up his lunch and leaving the table towards me while his teammates looked in dismay.

"Ikalgo, go back to them. I'm going to be alright alone." I say to him as he stepped up beside me, his lunch tray in his hands.

Ikalgo furrowed his brows in confusion and his lips tightened in a firm line. "No, this is your last week here." His legs stayed glued to the waxed floor beside me.

I heaved a sigh and tried to reason with him. "Dude, they're going to start thinking your a fag or something for talking to me. I'm good I promise."

I don't want Ikalgo to get bullied for talking with me. It's fine if it's in English but... there are too many stares here. Anyone can make up a rumor about Ikalgo, and it'll probably be believed.

"I don't want to go back and hear them ramble about homophobic shit, okay?" He huffed and kicked at the tiled cafeteria floor in annoyance. The friction of his shoe and the floor created a squeaky irritating noise.

Immediately I kept my mouth shut after he said that. Does that mean they were talking about Gon, Shalnark, and I?

It was quite obvious from the start though, everyone's probably talking about it. Killua Zoldyck and Gon Freecss, the school's best athletes who like men.

Since Ikalgo seemed stubborn at this moment I just murmured a quick 'okay' under my breath, eager to not push that subject any longer.

He and I took a seat at an empty small table, which was nearer to the corner to avoid too many bothersome stares. Though it was inevitable. I glanced towards the old table I sat at, my teammates sitting and speaking to each other. They hadn't said anything to me yet but no place felt welcoming.

Kurapika turned towards me and I met his eyes. He broke the gaze, murmuring to Pokkle beside him before leaving the table to walk towards me.

"Hey." He said and gave me a warm smile. Kurapika stood beside the table looking down at me and Ikalgo who was chomping on his food while giving him a wary look.

I set my fork down and looked up at him while nibbling the inside of my cheek in uneasiness. "Hello, Kurapika."

He shifted uncomfortably like he was at a loss for words for a moment. I held my head up with my hand and waited patiently for him to talk.

"I.. uhh just wanted to let you know that, Zushi and I really don't mind you're gay or anything. Zushi didn't say anything because he wanted to give you some space." The blonde spoke as he licked his lips. What he had said, surprised me, to say the least.

I returned his warm smile from earlier and replied, "Thanks, Kurapika.." but the grin I wore on my face quickly faltered when I glimpsed back at my other teammates who were gawking. "What about the others?"

Kurapika tensed up, and his expression told me all I needed to know.

After a good moment, he hesitantly responded. "I don't know if I can say the same for Jispa, Knov, and Pokkle. They're pretty iffy about it."

A tight line appeared on his lips as he peered back over his shoulder toward the others. I just muttered a quick "mhm" and kept my head low. It was understandable and foreseen. But I still had a somewhat strong relationship through soccer with the other boys.

Kurapika took a step back and sighed with sympathy.

"Regardless, I just wanted to let you know that not everyone here is against you because of that. I've got to go back now, maybe I'll see you later." He reassured me and I just nodded quietly before he retreated back to his table.

I stabbed my fork into the food and Ikalgo raised his brow once Kurapika left. "You good?" he asked before taking a sip of his water.

"Yeah, I'm happy Kurapika and Zushi are supportive," I mumble to him and then take a big bite of my food so I wouldn't have to respond to any further questions. This day wasn't as terrible as I expected but, it still hurt to be reminded that I was recognized as revolting to many people.

Ikalgo decided to not push it and so he then tore into his own food. We finished up quickly and got up to dispose and put away our trays.

We left the cafeteria and began to wander through the school's hallways. I may or may have not been keeping an eye out for Gon, I was terrified after our last interaction, but I still wanted to see him...

We walked down the corridor that had all the elective and clubrooms. The door to the writing club opened and I stiffened with Ikalgo as Shalnark stepped out of the room.

His eyes widened when he noticed us but soon enough, narrowed into a glare. I could feel the clear tension radiate from him, as his teeth clenched.

Shalnark stomped down the hall towards me and grabbed me by my collared shirt aggressively in means of venting his anger.

"You and your big fucking mouth. How dare you?" He hissed and gripped onto my shirt tighter; Causing rumples into the fabric. I grew entirely resistant, as I understood why he hated me at this very moment. This is how it should be after all.

Ikalgo reached out but I gave him a look that told him not to interfere. Thankfully, he seemed to understand and he retracted his hand away. Both he and I knew what I did was fucked up in one way or another.

I stayed silent and Shalnark only scowled at me, his aqua-green eyes full of resentment.

"You and I are talking somewhere private, and alone." He declared and shot Ikalgo a glare as he emphasized on 'alone.'

I slightly nodded my head in understanding. He finally let go of my shirt, and so I turned to Ikalgo and quietly murmured, "Stay here."

He had only replied with a prompt 'okay' under his breath and leaned against the wall.

Shalnark pivoted and stalked away so I reluctantly followed him toward one of the storage rooms to speak in private. Ignoring glances from students on the way there.

When we reached the entrance into the room, he shouldered the door opened and inside was filled with all the PE/gym equipment. I stepped in after him and quietly shut the door behind us.

As soon as the door clicked shut, Shalnark's fist collides into my nose.

It all happened so fast that I had stumbled back and placed a hand over my nose as it began to feel hot and wet. When I pulled my hand away to look at it, lurid red blood dripped into my palms and stained my pale skin.

"Fuck." I cursed under my breath and applied pressure to my face to stop the bleeding.

"You're a piece of shit, you know that right?" He sneered out, looking down at me with disgust on his face as if I was quite literally was. I had already known this though.

"Did you really want him to do your homework or did your slutty ass just blackmail him to get into his pants?" He growled and fuck- I couldn't even deny it. Maybe it wasn't exactly like that but, I just had wanted Gon to like me.

My heart began racing as Shalnark stepped toward me with the intent to hit me around some more. His fist curled into balls like stones which were twitching in anger. I don't take anything back about me being able to beat his ass, because I know I could. But will I be forgiven by Gon? Could receiving a beating be how I atone for what I did?

"I'm sorry," I mumbled out to him, and he laughs, but in a mean and ugly and angry way. It must've been the wrong thing to say as it only provoked Shalnark, who had a dark glimmer in his aqua-green orbs.

He clicked his tongue and slightly tilted his head back. His fist clenched tighter and the white waxed tiled floor was becoming red from the blood dripping out of my bruised nose.

The next thing I knew was Shalnark tackling me to the floor, pinning me by jamming his knees into my stomach and eagerly connecting his fists to my jaw and cheekbones. It hurt everywhere as he vented his anger out on me. I struggled against him and grasped his shoulders to shove him backward.

Shalnark sat back on the floor, both of us panting and trembling. I rubbed the back of my hand against my bloody nose and winced at the pain in my jaw that'd been there way before Shalnark threw any punches.

When he realizes he hasn't had enough, Shalnark gradually got back up with a grunt and lunged forward to slam me back down before I could sit up.

A fist landed into my stomach, and I gasped out feeling slightly nauseous. Barely enough time passed before another was rammed into my chin. My whole face began to feel numb as blood and swelling spotted my flesh. Is this how I'm supposed to repent?

His limbs and fists only continued to fly while I kept defensively pushing Shalnark back, just for him to bound back in and throw some more punches.

Here and there, I busted his lip and pulled his hair by natural reflexes to stop him. Curses were yelled out, and other things like how much of a damn coward I was.

And I knew it. I already fucking knew it.

The door to the storage room was slammed open, but neither of our heads turned to look as Shalnark continued to beat me to a pulp. I groaned in pain and agony as his stone-like fists only continued to slam into my cheeks some more.

I snapped out from being the verge of unconsciousness when Shalnark began to be forcefully pulled away from me. My jaw dropped when I realized who it was that prevented him from going any further.

Gon looked down at me, eyes widened, and brows pinched with sweat rolling off his forehead. He heavily breathed as if he'd ran on his way here.

"Stop fighting! Fuck-" He yelled out and his voice faltered at the sight of me. I sat back up, trembling as I swiped the oozing blood off my face.

Shalnark had stood up, shoulders slumped while gritting his teeth in hatred. He had looked hardly satisfied with the damage done as if he wanted more.

"Fuck him! Let me at him, he deserves it." Shalnark snarled, tensing up for a moment to spring back at me, but Gon held him still so he couldn't budge. He did put up quite the fight, struggling against Gon's grasp though.

I scooted back and tilted my head against the wall behind me. I closed my eyes, scared to look at Gon any longer. Short and heavy breaths escaping my throat, while my palms were caked with dust from the flooring.

I was exhausted. Every place on my body that was numb earlier, had started to ache in pain. The door swung open once again, but this time it was Ikalgo. His eyes stretched and he immediately rushed beside me.

"Shit- are you okay?" He spoke worriedly and shot Shalnark a glower.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I coughed out and gradually began to get on my feet; clenching my teeth through the pain. Shalnark got me good, any normal person would be unconscious right now.

Shalnark looked completely fine, save for the split lip, messy hair and small bruise I gave him trying to resist from time to time.

Ikalgo leaned out his shoulder for support, and I took it; limping out of the room, eager to leave because of Gon. Eager to not be seen a mess any longer.

But before we left I unwillingly glimpsed back at him once last time, who had returned my eyes with his own honey-brown orbs before the door behind me closed shut.

"Let's get you to the nurse's office.." Ikalgo murmured, directing us towards the familiar room where I'd spent my time getting my sprains treated. Where Gon tended my most recent one and where we kissed for the second time.

Fuck I can't think about it. Not now. Not when it's certain to never happen again. It just makes it harder to move on.

But something had almost slipped from my mind, did Gon know where we were?

"Ikalgo, do you know why Gon came?" I ask him reluctantly, my voice muffled from covering my face with a hand to stop the bleeding.

"You guys were taking too long for a simple talk, so when I met with him in the hallway, I told him what happened," Ikalgo answered and I stayed quiet after that.

My thoughts were entirely just of Gon which now that I think back on it, he looked tired. His shoulders were slumped, and he had some pretty bad eyebags like he wasn't getting any sleep.

His deprived appearance that was usually bright and healthy had only made me feel worst about the situation.

There were few bystanders in the corridors, but many who saw had gasped at the condition I was in. At that point, I couldn't even care though. We reached the nurse's office and I silently prayed to myself that the attendant wouldn't be inside, because if she was she'd be bound to ask questions about what happened. I can't just rat Shalnark out, as much as I still hate him.

Ikalgo opened the door and thankfully it was empty. I pushed the white curtain aside and sat down on the bed trying not to remember how the last time went when I was here with Gon.

Ikalgo set the first aid kit on the bed beside me, which was filled with all the necessities needed to treat my injuries. Seemingly out of nowhere, the shrilling noise of the bell rang signally that lunch break was over.

"Get to your next class, I'll get to mine when I'm done," I say to Ikalgo and he complied. He picked up his backpack and left out the door, giving me once last glance before leaving.

I pulled out my phone and front camera to inspect the conflict that Shalnark inflicted upon me. My shirt's collar was all rumpled and torn, my white hair was all wild and messy, which was quite a contrast to the lurid black and purple bleeding bruises that dressed my cheek, lip, eye, and nose.

I stifled a sigh and got to work on tending my face, which was done efficiently as I'd learn from just watching Gotoh as a child.

In amongst the quiet room, the only noise being the muffled voices of students walking passed towards their next classes, I think the reality of everything really began to hit me.

I let myself fall back onto the bed, with tears. Tears that'd I'd been trying to hold back like I was in denial of everything that happened. I thought I'd 'acknowledged' everything already... but seeing the real scheme of things like Shalnark's anger, Gon's tired-looking features, and the neglection from Knov, Pokkle, and Jispa, I think that really opened my eyes up a little more.

My throat felt tight from holding it in, so when I felt it all building up to spill out, I grabbed the pillow and pressed my face into it, muffling the sobs that had finally erupted from me.

You know, maybe...

I'll be home soon, mother.


	14. Zoldyck

Today, no shrilling alarm had woke me up. No annoying alarm to signal it was time to get up and go to school. But no doubt was I supposed to attend today.

The beige-colored apartment walls had been looking awfully gray this morning, but perhaps that was just because of the lack of sleep. Lack of sleep because of last night, I had packed my clothes and other necessities in the same suitcase since 3 years ago when I ran away from my family.

The difference now is that I'm going back to them. I've turned away from their ideals before, but now maybe I'm starting to understand why they tried to train me to be deprived of my sentiments.

But maybe they're also the reason I can't handle a silly heartbreak. They tried to rid me of my emotions instead of teaching me to control them.

I slipped off the cold bedsheets and swung my legs down the side of the bed, shuddering from the chills that ran along my spine as the frigid air washed over me like an ocean tide. The heater must've broke overnight.

I looked down to inspect my leg. The bandages on my heel came off ages ago, but the bruise hadn't completely healed. The purple was no longer as vibrant and sickening, yet somewhere in the back of my mind hadn't wanted it to go away, so I could forever be reminded of how tender Gon was.

It was bittersweet because it also reminded me of the sorrow I felt that day when I couldn't play anymore.

I ran my fingers along my cheek, feeling the black and blue bruises that I'd still worn on my face. The swelling had died down, but there was still a vague throbbing ache.

I rested my elbows upon my thighs and stared at the black suitcase filled with clothes from across the room. Was it really the right decision? After how long I dreamed of finally being freed from my shackles, and after what they did to Canary.

Perhaps I was subconsciously hoping that my absence would've opened their eyes, and things wouldn't be so bad once I came back. And that maybe they've changed since I haven't seen them in forever after all.

Though, after hearing Illumi's chilling dreadful words that day, somewhere deep inside the back of my mind knew that nothing was better. Yet I never acknowledged it.

Slow and tired, I stood up from the bed and grabbed the specific fancy folded outfit I left out unpacked so I could dress into it. The pajamas I wore at the moment I figured could just get stuffed into whatever extra space the suitcase had.

I heaved a sighed as I began to dress into the black expensive wooly fabric that I had kept in the back of my closet for quite some time.

The suit was distasteful in my opinion, but the Zoldyck family was constantly well-dressed, and I already knew my mother would have a fit if I came home wearing nightwears. I knew for sure that part of her would never change.

To top it all off and tame the wild knot on my head, I used a tiny bit of gel because, throughout my usual days, it'd gradually get messy again overtime. The tamed effect would just last longer with it.

And to not give Zushi any trouble after I leave, I cleaned up my room and left out the bedroom door with my suitcase dragging behind me. When I reached the end of the hall, the memory of when Gon came over flooded my mind. It was so vividly clear to me that it felt like It was just yesterday when we were tiptoeing past Zushi's room, occasionally giggling and shushing each other to not wake him up.

One memory led to another. Like when we thrillingly snuck onto the school campus and hid into a locker together. And the sheer excitement and anxiety I felt back then, I know I said I didn't want to do something like that ever again, but oh would I kill for it right now.

And the next-

...

No... don't think about it anymore.

I shook my head and slapped all the extra old savings I kept for the past 3 years, onto the kitchen table for Zushi. This should pay the bills until he finds himself a new roommate.

I would've told Zushi ahead of time, but it felt like I should've come home sooner. Which is funny, because I for one did not look forward to seeing my family again after two to three years. I was just eager to run away from my problems again, and that was all.

Guilt filled my stomach, making me feel slightly sick. I was so righteous yesterday about owning up to my mistakes. Now.. look at me.. contradicting it all.

I slipped on my all black scuffed converse, and maybe it didn't match the sophisticated look of the blazer and pants, but I'd already sold my black leather shoes, so it couldn't be helped. The worst I'd get is a negative comment from Mother if she'd even notice.

The door opened and I stepped out into the cold outdoors. Glancing back at the apartment was a mistake because I began to feel gloomy.

I'm going to miss coming home with groceries and seeing Zushi watching TV on the couch. And the kitchen where I'd make the cheap dinners that I'd spice up in one way or another with my own twist and knowledge of cookery. Once I'm home the butlers will start making the meals, and mother once demanded that I wouldn't step one foot in that kitchen.

I sucked in my breath before turning away from the residence and walk towards the car to stuff my suitcase in the trunk. I slammed the back shut and got into the driver's seat before pulling out my phone to inspect my contact list.

No one was notified about me leaving early. Not even Ikalgo.

Maybe I should text him now.

I clicked his name and began to type out a long text he probably wouldn't see till later when school hours were over.

'Ikalgo, I'm sorry. I am leaving to go home. I'd been contemplating this, and I can't stay any longer. This was bound to happen eventually anyway. I'm sorry we haven't had a proper goodbye, I'll keep your number saved and I'll try to text you from time to time. Goodbye, I'll miss you.'

I paused for a second before actually sending the message. It felt like I could do better, but soon enough the little blue arrow was pressed anyway.

Afterward, I sent Zushi a text message and it took a lot of pondering before sending it. He was oblivious as I hadn't really ever opened up to him, so I couldn't tell him the full truth.

I explained the money and told him my parents were making me come back which was.. pretty much the truth. But I know he'd want more of an explanation though because if it really was that simple than I wouldn't have left so abruptly.

I scrolled through the list some more and then.. my thumb hovered over Gon's contact name. I wanted to call him so badly, but there was nothing I could think of to say, especially after all that's happened. It would take zero effort to just click the button yet... it couldn't work out that easily. It was like there's an invisible barrier blocking his call button.

I tilted my head back against the car's headrest and stared up at the roof. He knows the full story... how would he react to me leaving? I tried to think of all the possible ways, but I just wasn't sure with one at all.

When what seemed like to be a minute that passed by, I turned the key and began to pull out of the apartment complex, feeling nothing but shame.

Goodbye.

~*~

The familiar street where the Zoldyck mansion stood came to view, and a wave of nostalgia swept over me. But not the good kind. Not the kind where when you would dig into an old closet and find a toy you played with as a child when things were much simpler. Instead, it was almost like PTSD, but on an extremely smaller scale. Some memories good, but mostly bad had flooded into my head.

Soon enough, at the very very end of the long street, did the building come into view through the windshield. The same as always with the big brick stone gate that stood around it and mother's sickening red rose bushes that she loved so much had neatly lined the path up to the door like always. They were taken care of so greatly that they bloomed all year round, but that wasn't possible without the horrendous amount of money and the butlers of course.

The mansion's walls had dull brownish brick colors and the roof was painted black. There were four balconies, two in the front, and two on the sides, all with black railings that matched the roof. Around the path and small stairs that lead up to the door, crumbling stone statues were scattered about. Mainly the statues being of greyhounds, Zen Buddhas, and some greek faces that had grassy weeks peeking through the cracks.

I parked my car inside the open gate and hesitantly unbuckled my seatbelt. I exited the car, and there it stood, the giant mansion that loomed over me. The one that would cast wide shadows across the lawn when the sun would set.

The chilly wind picked up, swaying my feathery silver locks and luscious rich clothing along with the flow of the air.

It was all threatening, like a haunted house but year-round. This was no playful horror attraction of the sort, it was a real home full of psychos, AKA my family. Suddenly, I felt really dreadful about coming inside. Maybe I shouldn't have come 'home' so early.

I gradually grabbed my suitcase from the trunk of my car and placed it on the gravel road gently since I still had my laptop inside. I'm not too sure if they'll confiscate my phone or laptop, but I wasn't allowed to own any electronics before I ran away. Only after did I buy myself one.

I bit my lip in worry before walking up the path and up the small set of stairs, trying my best to not feel nauseous from the blood-red flowers that reminded me of a little too much. Once the door was right before me, it had opened immediately as if someone knew I was arriving.

"Welcome home, Master Killua." A pale-skinned girl in butler's clothing greeted me. Her hair slick and black, just like Illumi's. But her eyes were nothing near similar to my older brother's. They were the lightest blue eyes, that could almost pass as gray. For a moment I had forgotten the injuries I had from Shalnark, but was I reminded as the butler's eyes grew wide and round from the sight of my features.

My mouth was zipped shut and so did hers. I lowered my head and walked straight passed Amane. No offense had been taken, she understood my silence.

The mansion didn't change once while I was gone. The hallway's extreme red wallpaper made something in my stomach churn, and I wanted to throw up. The corners were stripped with gold, just like the giant picture frame that held a photo that was taken from a few years back.

I glanced at the photo and it sent shivers down my spine. It was my family and I standing in front of an unlit red and gold fireplace that had burning wax candles resting upon it. What alarmed me was seeing my family's faces again, even if it was just through a six-year-old frame.

Mama had a yellow ruffled dress on with a black hat that was feathered and decorated with roses. The rest of the males in the photos, wore suits, besides my brother Kalluto who had worn a kimono. Illumi's dark pitless eyes really caught my attention, and I shuddered at the remembrance.

Then, my orbs wandered to study myself.

It was maybe when I was 10, was this photo taken. And back then, was my complexion paler and much frailer than now. There was still a shine of innocence in my cerulean blue eyes, as I wore a striped brown vest over a white collared shirt. Despite how nimble I looked, an outsider who'd laid their eyes on it could assume we were just another averagely rich and spoiled family. Just one with... an interesting taste in the old-fashioned style.

"Master Killua?" Amane questioned me, and I snapped out of my thoughts. I continued down the dreadful hallway, taking a left into what was the living room. Heads. Four of them to be exact had all snapped towards my direction.

Illumi's black voided eyes stared into me and instantly I felt paralyzed. It was like my running bursting anxious heart had abruptly stopped for a second. Mother gasped and instantly got up from the couch to rush over to me as fast as her purple ruffled garments would allow her to.

She pulled me into an embrace, her bony hands clasped around me in a possessive manner, but my eyes didn't leave Illumi's soulless sockets of darkness.

"Killu baby, what happened to your dear face? You were supposed to come home looking handsome." Mother frowned all upset and finally, did I manage to tear my gaze away from Illumi. Mother's pink-tinted lips were in a tight line as she looked down at me with her own dark eyes, but they weren't as nearly as lost as my older brother's.

"Something happened," I say slowly as my face ached in pain from the cuts and injuries. Mother's hand was splayed all onto my shoulder as if she was afraid I'd run away again if she let go. I looked back towards who sat on the couch, Silva's eyes were as ominous and cold as always, and Zeno still wore that same pitying look as if nothing's changed.

Mother furrowed her brows for a moment, but then her lips curled in a big smile of glee.

"Oh well, I'm so glad! You missed us that much that you came back early?" Mother grinned wider as her hand tightened around me. I just stayed quiet and she directed us back to the black leather couch.

The room was still sickly red, and a particular wall was covered in golden photo frames, carrying pictures of either static family photos or flowers painted on yellow-tinted paper.

Mother sat down and so did I, stiff like a corpse. My hands stressfully dug into the velvety cushion in means of silently venting my anxiety. In the room, the same unlit fireplace as in the photo from earlier stood against the wall with candles on it that dimly lit up the darkish room.

Mother then shot Illumi a disapproving glare, and ordered, "You! Why are you still here? Go get Milluki and Kalluto. Killua's home now after all."

Like a plastic puppet, Illumi's porcelain features didn't waver from her words as he stood up and said in a monotone voice, "Yes, mother." before leaving the room to fetch my siblings.

I glanced back at my father, whose facial appearance had stayed the same throughout the three years with no signs of further aging. His high placed cheekbones and bushy white brows gave him an unusual- almost villainous appearance. But If I had to guess on what's morally good and bad in this world, then he technically was.

"Welcome home, son." He gruffed, his voice deep with masculinity. His eyes, almost like an animal's had stared at me unblinkingly. It was unsettling, to say the least, but working around death your whole life really does do something to you.

I subconsciously fumbled with the sleeves of my suit, as I held his icy intense gaze. Mother's fingers finally freed themselves from my shoulder as she decided to beckon Zeno to say something that would break the tension in the air.

"Ahem, Killua, we hope that in your days of running around you hadn't forgotten how things go around here.." Grandpa Zeno muttered while in an old gray suit that fit his elderly features.

And of course, I hadn't. I might've temporarily hidden it all in the back of my head, but no one can forget what used to constantly be their daily life in just 3 years. Especially if it was as gruesome as mine.

"No, Zeno. I hadn't forgotten." I murmured quietly so my voice didn't waver, my hands were now slightly trembling my lap in remembrance of the life I used to have.

No. The life that I've got again.

Flashbacks ran through my mind. Though the majority of my time was spent learning about the underground economy, I used to assist my older siblings in their jobs. Whether it'd be selling drugs, nonconsensual porn, or organs on the black market. Another thing they did was assassinate, but thankfully since I was still young back then, I only helped with minor things, and I never actually gotten my hands dirty.

"Good, you'll be getting in the routine again starting tomorrow." Father abruptly interrupted Zeno, and my heart immediately dropped.

Nothing really did change. 

All the hope I had shriveled away as my face felt cold and blanched. I was as pale as a ghost and Zeno looked utterly baffled. "He just came home, we should give him some time to adjust." He urged softly.

"No. He'll work with Milluki tomorrow," Silva demanded directly, and both Zeno and I knew he wasn't going to change his mind.

"Whose working with me?" Milluki suddenly asked as he slipped around the corner, wearing a basic black and white t-shirt and shorts. When I said the Zoldycks were constantly well-dressed earlier, Milluki was a for sure an exception.

My heart raced, but I was at least a little bit relieved because that meant I wouldn't have to kill anyone on my second day back home. I was around the age, it'd be no surprise if Silva assigned me to an assassination job with Illumi. Milluki's jobs were within the mansion, which he probably hasn't left to see the outside since I ran away.

As soon as Milluki's beady black eyes spotted me, his milky white face twisted into a scowl. "Killua's back already? I thought he was supposed to return later this week. And.. what the hell happened to your face?" He added, disgusted.

"He came back early cause he missed us of course!" Mother chimed in and hummed, but louder as if to convince herself it was true. I bit down hard on my lip in anger from her words. Soon enough a metallic coppery taste welled up on my lip and taste buds. As if I'd miss anyone here. Especially after they killed Canary.

I felt anger from the reminder that these were the same people who'd killed the dark-skinned butler. Yet now I knew better than ever that it wasn't the right time to throw a tantrum.

Kalluto came inside the room, and who followed behind was Illumi. The innocent twinkle in his eyes disappeared since the last time I laid eyes on him, and suddenly I felt very regretful about it. Was it selfish of me to leave Kalluto alone?

He stood behind the couch, looking down at me with an unreadable expression. I tore my gaze away to stop myself from feeling guilty and ashamed.

"Gotoh will begin homeschooling you the day after tomorrow, you can go talk to him now," Silva said, beckoning a hand out toward the door behind me. I looked back and there was the head butler Gotoh, standing beside the door frame in his dark blue suit that had a red ruby-encrusted on his tie.

The same man who had been the closest to a father I'd ever gotten. I got up from the couch and walked over to him, giving him the warmest smile I could muster since I couldn't pull him into a hug with my family sitting on the couch, watching my every move like a bird of prey.

Gotoh returned my smile and glanced down at my suitcase before declaring, "Let's get you settled back into your old bedroom before dinner."

I nodded slowly and suddenly was I left wondering if my room changed in any way.

"Tch. What'd I even come out here for?" Milluki scorned as he heard Gotoh's words. He was going to complain further but mother shushed him.

Gotoh stepped into the door he had stood beside and I followed him out, feeling the stares of the other Zoldycks bore into my back before the door closed. I didn't glance back once as I passed down the familiar hallway into my room.

Gotoh opened the door for me and I stepped in and took in the sight of my old room. It was exactly how I left it, with no cobwebs nor dust. Mother must've ordered the butlers to keep my room clean after I left. Perhaps they planned my return all along.

Just like the rest of the house, the walls were red, but a chocolate brown oak wood replaced the gold frames. Right near the middle of the room was my king-sized bed with velvety maroon blankets, and pillows that laid over the white sheets. Red curtains hung from the oak bed frame and just out another glass door was the balcony that peered over the rose garden.

There'd also been another bathroom, just beside the closet that was large enough to walk inside.

I shuddered from yet another wave of nostalgia while looking at the be. Gotoh used to read me stories before night time and I'd lay under the velvety luscious quilts while getting lulled to sleep.

I got on my knees, unzipping my suitcase as I began to unpack my clothes. Gotoh gently put a hand on my shoulder, causing me to look up at him. "Master Killua, let the butler do the work." He said, yet I didn't budge from the floor.

"You can help me, but I'm not making you do it all," I told him and he stood still for a moment before nodding and getting down on his knees to help fold clothes.

Gotoh picked up a large cotton shirt and under it was my laptop. His mouth parted open as if he'd just remembered something.

"I'm sorry Master Killua," Gotoh turned to me and continued, "but your mother asked me to hold onto your electronics. I'll give it back to you from time to time, I promise. Just don't tell her."

He pushed up his glasses farther up the bridge of his nose while wearing a tight line upon his lips.

"I.. expected that. Hold on." I mumbled and twisted my body around, pawing my pant pockets to search for my phone. My body froze after I pulled it out and looked at the notification screen. There had been around twenty missed calls.

Twenty missed calls from Gon.


	15. Alluka

I stood before the bathroom sink, my hands grasping the sides as I hunched over. Sweat was clumping my bangs together, the silvery strands plastered onto my forehead, wet and salty. My stomach churned and wriggled, like something alive was inside, when in reality I was feeling horribly queasy from the job.

Scarlet thick liquid seeped down the sink drain. Only a moment before were my hands covered in latex gloves and were painted crimson. I swallowed hard and tense as if there was a stone lodged into my esophagus. My hands which had been trembling, made their way to the faucet handle to turn the water back on.

The water splashed down, washing down the blood that'd clung to the sink bowl. Desperate to calm myself down, I cupped my bare hand under the faucet, letting the water fill in my palms before splattering it back up my face.

"Killua, hurry up in there." Milluki's voice called out, muffled from behind the door. Two quick knocks thumped off the dark oak wood door and I twisted around to look back at the bathroom's entrance, wide-eyed.

"You've done this before, stop acting like your still a child." Milluki jeered and my heart began to surge in anger.

"Shut the fuck up." I snapped back and slammed the door open. Water trickled down my furrowed brows and narrowed eyes which glared fiercely at my brother. Milluki flinched, a waver of fear showed in those dark orbs he inherited from Mother.

Milluki gained his composure and his face twisted into what was a sneer. "Fine. I'll finish the rest. At least sort out the closet downstairs." And with that, he left out the door to pick up where I left off. I breathed out a heavy sigh and carded my fingers through my damp locks.

It was only the first day, but it felt as if I'd never get used to anything. Even before I left, helping Milluki in a room that always smelt like death felt traumatizing each time.

I covered my nose and mouth as I shortly followed Milluki through the door he left in. Slowly as the stairs descended did a musky rotting smell become more apparent in the air, and the sickly feeling started to come back to me.

There at the bottom of the stairs, was the room that Milluki mainly worked in. The corners of the walls were filled with cobwebs, and the ground was cold as stone. It was pretty much a huge basement nonetheless.

Milluki eyed me from a desk as I came in. He pointed toward a door. "Over there." He grumbled and I stepped towards the closet. Upon opening the doorway and looking inside, there was junk stacked on junk and it seemed like it hadn't been sorted out in forever.

I sighed and got to work, grabbing a cardboard box filled with things like papers, tools, pens, and tape. It was much heavier than I expected.

"While your at it, another closet way down the hallway needs to be cleared out. It has all our old stuff as kids." Milluki informed. I glanced toward him, shuddering as his back faced me while he slipped on some pale blue latex gloves.

I set the cardboard box back down and went for the easier task first instead. On my way down the hall, a fat drop of rancid water landed on my head and I winced while looking up to see leaky pipes. Mold formed around the metal tubes and I grimaced from the unpleasant smell.

After a good minute or so of finding the closet, I opened the final oakwood door and was immediately greeted with old toys I had as a child. My orbs darted from the nostalgic red and white truck to a batman figurine and to what seemed to be a yellow dinosaur. They were toys I played with as a small child before I knew passed the facade of my parent's smiles.

What's all this doing down here?

I picked up the box and my heart grew alarmingly quicker as I looked underneath it. There were blank sheets of sailcloth stitched to wood, and just beside it was a tub filled with an almost endless supply of acrylic paints. Dry splotches of color were stuck to some caps which could easily be scratched away by a nail.

Paints? Canvases? As far as I know, nobody in my family had an interest in art. Where did this all come from..?

Underneath a few tarps, I noticed the corner of one of the sheets had been painted on. I grabbed it and pulled it out to inspect the painting.

My breath hitched as my cerulean orbs scoured the entire canvas. A dark brown tree was painted on the sailcloth. A lengthy branch loomed overhead and was dappled in red, orange, and yellow paint that imitated leaves. It reminded me of the day Gon and I shared each other's secrets in front of the horizon that had a rolling forest of fire.

This wasn't what caught my eye though. Just below the branch, there was a painting of a boy with white hair and blue eyes, and I assumed that to be me. What most caught my concentration was the unidentifiable person that stood beside 'me' in the painting. A girl in pink garments and a pale face, white as chalk with jet-black hair, and eyes... which were just two gaping black holes. An eerie chill ran down my spine, and it felt slightly disturbing.

Who is this...

My thumb gently skimmed the girl in the painting, and I was careful to not accidentally scrape some of the colors away. A sharp pain shot in my head when I began trying to think back to a girl who looked like that in the painting, so I massaged my temples to subdue it.

I paused from my thoughts and began to inspect the sides and back of the canvas. Searching for a possible signature or clue that'd help me figure out her identity.

"Ah-hah." Escaped my lips once my inquiring eyes fell on some small shaky letters that were discovered on the back, right under the stitching that connected the fabric and wood.

Upon reading the letters, my mouth widened and nothing came out.

...

Overwhelming memories upon memories flooded in from seemingly nowhere, like a dam that'd broke. My brain desperately scrambled to make sense of it all, but I rendered speechlessly.

Wide-eyed, I stared at the letters in the bewilderment, and after what seemed to be a minute that passed by, my voice stumbled but appeared to finally work again.

"A-Alluka-?"

~*~

Flashback from ten years ago...

"Big brother, I finished my painting!" The young girl beamed over at me. Her skin just as ghastly white as mine, which contrasted her hair that was as black as a cloudy night sky. Two strands of hair in the front were weaved in two separate braids which were pinned with pink beads, and the powdered pink dust on her porcelain skin matched the garments that draped off her shoulders.

I stepped up from behind the girl, who was perching on the sidewalk concrete on her knees with a painted canvas in her hands. I peered over her shoulder and gasped at the beautiful colors which spiraled like a galaxy. Lavender, magenta, cerulean, and amber hues dusted in the night heaven on the cloth, and white specks, like stars dappled over the shades.

"It's amazing, Alluka!" I breathed out in amazement, my voice laced with the innocence as a six-year-old boy. She looked up at me, her eyes glowing with pride.

Alluka's smile grew wider at my compliment. "You should paint me and you next!" I tell her excitedly, and she brought a finger up to her temple to scratch it like she was contemplating.

"I will, but what about the background?" She questioned, and set her night sky down on the concrete sidewalk by her brushes, dyed water cups, and paints. I stared around us, eager to come up with a design.

The breeze moved my white fluffy hair, tousling it into buoyant curls that tickled at the ears and nape of my neck. I breathed in deep and heavy, tasting the soft earthy fragrance on my tongue. Tawny russet leaves gently flickered down from the branches, just to decay in the rich soil. As my eyes scoured the peaceful colorful atmosphere, an idea flashed in my mind.

"Paint the background like the trees around us!" I tell her as I admired the embryonic oaks and flaming canopies overhead. My head perked toward faint voices from inside the mansion. My hands grew pink and numb from the cold wind, but I forced myself to stay outside with Alluka since mommy and daddy were having a heated argument inside.

Alluka's face brightened and she turned to get to work on another canvas. After what seemed like five minutes of watching her stroke colors onto the sheet, I walked toward the red blossoming shrub and picked a bud, knowing well that Mother would yell at me if she caught my pulling at the rose bush.

I ignored the pricks of the thorns and snapped the stem to pick each tight petal off one by one. When footsteps were heard from down the sidewalk, my head snapped up to see one of the blonde-haired butlers.

I eyed her warily, while protective over my sister. But she passively walked up to Alluka just to scrutinize over her shoulder and see what she was up to. Alluka regarded the shadow that the butler cast over her, so she glanced up at the bright blonde.

"Hi, Mitsuba!" She said, as her lips curled upwards into a grin. I began to walk up the sidewalk a little more, to grab some stray chalk and mess around with it.

"Hey, Alluka! What are you working on?" Mitsuba asked as she squatted down to get on the same level as my younger sister. Her golden-yellow hair had been tied back into a ponytail, and she had a fluffy knot of bangs that slightly covered her forehead.

I threw my protectiveness aside and crouched down beside the sidewalk to scrape the chalk around. Alluka and Mitsuba were chatting in the background as I drew over the concrete with the crumbly soft calcite, paying not much mind to their conversation anymore.

The lines I droughted down were unskillful, and not nearly as impressive as Alluka's steady hands that she used to produce those beautiful pieces of art. Frustration and hopelessness began to grow inside at an alarming rate until-

A horrifying shriek split and broke through the still air.

My head jolted towards Mitsuba and Alluka. The butler stared down at my younger sister in horror, whose face was turned away from me. I jumped up, tossing the chalk aside before running up to them in a hurry.

"What's wrong?" I asked, stepping up beside Alluka. Mitsuba's face was blanched as white like the piano keys that stood untouched in one of the excessive spare rooms. Sweat formed on her face as she shakily raised a finger to point at Alluka.

I furrowed my eyes in confusion, before looking over at Alluka whose eyes had suddenly rolled back into her head, her eyes white and her pupils vanished. But no fear was felt, as the wind picked up, swaying our hair along with the flowing air.

"Oh, that? She does that from time to time." I blurted out nonchalantly and grabbed onto Alluka's hand to show the butler that it was okay. Mitsuba looked unconvinced as she pawed around her pockets, before pulling out a phone.

"I-I'll be right back..." The blonde stuttering while trembling, her gray eyes glimmering with trepidation. She frantically turned toward the mansion with the phone raised at her ear, and I couldn't help but glare into her back. Alluka's orbs went back to her original icicle-colors and they immediately became wet and blurry from tears.

"I-I scared her.." She sniffled and I quickly pulled her into a tight embrace, eager to stop the tears that didn't fit her beautiful porcelain dolly face.

"It's okay, she'll get used to it. You can't control it, it's not your fault." I murmured out to console Alluka. My eyes narrowed toward the direction that Mitsuba left, as I rubbed my hand in a comforting circular motion against my sister's back.

She silently cried in my arms, but slowly and surely did she return my hug. I pulled away when the door to the mansion slammed open, and there were Mother and Father, hurrying down the steps and speed walking towards me and Alluka. Mitsuba followed slowly behind, fumbling with her hands and sleeves in anxiety and guilt.

Mother in her dark Byzantium ruffled dress violently snatched Alluka's wrist and leaned down to inspect her eyes. "Mitsuba, you said her eyes were rolled back, yes?"

Alluka squeaked under the rough force mother used, and anger surged through my veins as I watched Mother's bony fingers clasp a little too tightly around my sister's wrist.

The butler hesitantly nodded, standing a little ways away while avoiding the harsh glares I sent her way, for snitching on Alluka. Father stood behind mother, looking down at Alluka's features with those animalistic blue eyes of his; as if searching for something.

Mother looked up at Silva, their eyes meeting with tight firm lines on their lips like they were silently exchanging words to each other. My orbs met with Alluka's whose eyes watered again, and whose cheeks were beginning to turn pink as she held in the pain from Mother's constricting grasp.

"Let go of Alluka, you grabbing her too tightly!" I yelled out and stomped towards my mother. I grabbed her limb, eagerly trying to pull it off Alluka's small innocent joint which was beginning to turn rosy.

Father grabbed the hoodie of my sweater and yanked me back, causing me to stumble onto backward onto the concrete. Alluka gasped and began to writhe and struggle from the grip, but it was hopeless. There's not much a five-year-old can do against a grown adult.

"Let's take Alluka inside, we need to keep an eye on him." Mother hissed as she walked toward the door, dragging my younger sister behind. Silva nodded his head and followed after her up the steps toward the mansion entrance. Wide-eyed, I quickly scrambled to my feet and chased after them, desperate to get to Alluka's side, and perplexed as to why my parents suddenly seemed like my enemy.

Mitsuba tried to grab my arm in an attempt to hold me back, but I twisted around and viciously bit her hand. She gasped and quickly retracted and held her palm which was now pooling up with scarlet liquid. I ignored the butler's hot wet metallic taste of blood in my mouth and continued to desperately struggle up the stairs to follow my parents.

In the doorframe, Silva turned around and gave me a cold glare that left me physically paralyzed. And from that moment on, I knew he wasn't the parent I thought he was.

He looked over at Mitsuba, beckoning her to watch over me while he was gone, and then proceeded to slam the door shut on my face. The force gusted some air that blew my bangs away, revealing my forehead.

My heart was racing and my breath grew heavy. When my ability to move came back to me, I desperately grabbed onto the door handle, yanking it around just to find that it was locked. I glared back at Mitsuba who looked at me in fear while holding her hands together to stop the crimson blood from flowing.

I bit down on my numb lips in means of venting my anger. I bit down without a care in the world that my mouth was slowly being painted a deep carmine color. Blood trickled down my chin and I lowered my head, bangs covering my dark eyes as I walked straight passed Mitsuba, who looked terrified.

I didn't pay any more attention to her and stepped toward the canvas, paints, and brushes that laid on the concrete. I crouched down to cherish Alluka's painting that'd finish just before she'd been swiped away by mother. It was just her and me, standing under the red, orange, and yellow autumn tree. The wind whipped my white hairs around, and soon enough tears slipped down my ethereal rosy cheeks.

From that day on, the painting vanished, Alluka vanished, and so did some memories that involved her.

~*~

Present Time

My hands shakily held the old painting, as it all came back to me. Mother, Father, and most importantly... Alluka.

Questions flung from every possible direction and straight into my mind that was starving for answers. Where is Alluka? Is she okay? Is she.. alive?

My hand cupped over my lips, to steady the harsh breaths that barely escaped my throat. It all made sense now. Memories that seemed empty, felt full again. How could I be so stupid? How could I forget her?

I tensed up, as footsteps rushed down the hallway. My head turned toward Milluki who ran around the corner, wide-eyed, huffing his lungs away from sprinting. His gloves still stained in blood, like he stopped midway in his job just to hurry over like he wanted to 'prevent' something. His eyes laid upon me who held the canvas in my palms, and he grew still as realization slapped him in the face.

His body language told me that he knew about it. That he deliberately worked with my parents to keep this from me. To keep Alluka from me, someone who was so important to me in my life. Who else knew? Illumi? Yes. He did. As the oldest sibling and victim of my parent's manipulation, he knew.

"Milluki. Where is Alluka." I said, my voice coming out emotionless. A flash of fear waved through his facial expressions. Milluki quickly breathed in and out to calm himself, and answer.

"I don't know. You have to ask mother and father." He plainly stated, seemingly pacified, save for the beads of sweat that rolled down his milky white forehead. Something told me he just spewed bullshit. That he was a liar.

"Milluki. Don't make me repeat myself." I set the canvas down and began to gradually stalk toward him with violent intentions. Milluki picked up on the harmful traces and frantically stepped back.

"Okay, fine- I'll tell you!" He said hurriedly, and I stopped in my tracks. He let go of the breath in relief and continued. "You just can't... let Mother, Father, and Illumi know you found out. Illumi will kill him under mother's orders." Milluki finished and physically swallowed tensely. His face slick with sweat and nervousness.

Hope.

Fear.

I felt a mixture of hope and fear.

Ah.

She's alive. I'm so relieved. She's still alive and breathing in this world that has so much more past the mansion. Yet fear still lay within, as there were threatening beings who pressurized the fact that they could take that life from her. She's alive, but the question still remained; Where is Alluka?

And why would they keep her alive all this time? Was it because she still had Zoldyck blood running within her veins?

"Follow me," Milluki mumbled as he walked towards another corridor. I grabbed the painting and followed reluctantly until met with a door that led to another room. It filled with old splintery pallets, scrap wood, sawdust, and garbage bins. The air was stagnant, and the only light source was an old lamp that repetitively kept flickering, signally that it's lightbulb needed to be replaced soon.

I warily scoured the room around me, slightly cringing at how messy it looked. As a child, I stayed out of the room, not because my parents ordered me to not go in it, but because it didn't seem interesting to explore. Upon looking at it now, there were piles of baskets filled with tools, saws, and other things as well as occasionally a bloodstain that was too old to give off a rancid smell.

Milluki shuffled toward the corner of the room and pushed aside a desk. "Don't mistake me for caring about Alluka. I'm just doing this to save my own skin." He grumbled; giving me a sideway stare as he bent down and grabbed the corners of a large sheet of plywood that was once beneath the desk.

I stayed quiet and he began to pull up the sheet of wood, and he struggled to do so with his physique. But soon enough did he lift it up and lean it against the wall. I peered at what was underneath which was revealed to be a trapdoor.

"Is she.. down there somewhere?" I quietly asked, looking at Milluki who'd been slightly breathing heavily from lifting the wood. Just by a slight nod of his head, did my heart surge in anger. Why was she locked up like some wild animal? How could they do that to her?

All this time, she's been so close.

I bent down and my fingers clasped with the handle that was indented into the stone flooring. I tugged on it, and some dust flung up into the idle air. The translucent white particles, only seen through the old lamp's light. I stifled a sneeze as the trapdoor creaked open from its rusty hinges.

"Whose has been feeding her," I demanded to Milluki who stayed leaning back against the desk. Looking down, there was a small ladder that led down to a monochrome hallway.

Milluki shrugged. "I'm not sure who, but one of the butlers were assigned to do that and keep it clean down there." He said and I looked at the dust particles flying in the air with disgust.

"You're going down there with me, Milluki." I said firmly while staring down at the dull floor below.

Milluki straightened up from the desk and scowled. "What, why?"

"I'm not taking any chances of you locking the trapdoor behind me." I looked up and glared at him suspiciously, and once again did sweat form along his face. We may be related, but in the Zoldyck household, trust was a very foreign concept between us.

He gulped and got down on his rump to climb down the ladder. Once Milluki feet touched the floor, I jumped down after him, ignoring the steps in eagerness to see Alluka. My arms gently held the painting, as we began to walk down the dull corridor. Harsh blaring lights lightened up the passage, and in the end, I could see a steel door.

I sped-walk towards the door, excitement building up inside me. Once I stood before it, my fingers clasped with the handle, and I paused to take a deep breath, before gently swinging the door open.

Immediately, I was met with a large bright blue room which greatly contrasted the monochrome passageway. White fluffy clouds scattered across the walls as well as some large pink and yellow flowers. Multiple piles of stuffed animals were everywhere. On the yellow shelves, against the walls, and all over a bed pink bed that had french rose-colored curtains, with roses that were embroidered into the rich silky fabric.

On the opposite end of the bed, there was a yellow desk with dozens of sailcloth canvases stacked onto each other, and a bin beside it that was filled with acrylic paints of all colors. But what sat on the light pink rug-

-was the relative I thought I'd never see again.

"Alluka." I breathed out, looking at my sister who'd zoned out on a rubber blue ball in the other end of the room. Her complexion was sickly white, and the innocent roundness of a child's face was gone since she was fifteen-years-old now.

Her slick black hair was weaved into a braid that was tied with a red hair tie. A cherry blossom dress draped from her shoulders and touched the ground like a blanket. Flowers were stitched all over the ruffled skirt.

The girl tensed up when she heard my breathy whisper. Ever so slowly she turned her head and stared at me with those icicle blue orbs. My breath hitched, it seemed like an eternity that we were quiet and slowly taking in the other's older looking features.

Her face suddenly lightened up like the sun. Bright. Just like Gon's smile. My heart warmed and ached at the same time. I wanted to hit myself, being reminded of Gon who made my heart ache so sorely, right in front of my younger sister when this should be a happy reuniting. This wasn't about him anymore...

Tears poured out, running down along the lines of my cheeks. Either it was from the remembrance of Gon or the fact that Alluka, was right there, in front of me after so long. I ran up and set down the painting I brought before hugging her tightly, scared to let go and lose her.

"Big brother!" She wailed out with tears escaping her own glassy globes while clasping her feeble arms around my shoulders. I buried my head onto her shoulder with cries escaping my lungs.

"I missed you so much, I'm so sorry I haven't come sooner." I sniffled, my voice breaking in joy, sadness, dread, and a billion other emotions that I couldn't comprehend.

"It's okay, I'm so happy you're here now. I've missed your smell, big brother." She murmured out joyfully and nuzzled into my shoulder.

After what seemed like a whole minute, I breathed out and scooted back to grab the painting I set down.

"Look what I found," I say to her, my lips curled into a grin, but my eyes were still glossy, wet and pink. Her eyes widened at the painting and gently did I place it onto her lap. She wiped away the tears from her dark curly black lashes and red-stained cheeks before looking down at it, gradually taking the sight in.

"You can't stay down here for too long. Our absence will arouse suspicion." Milluki suddenly said from behind, and I tensed up. He was right, but I didn't want to leave.

I breathed out to calm myself, and look back over my shoulder at him. "Give us five minutes," I said, my tone slightly laced with hostility. He grew still a moment before grumbling under his breath.

Alluka smiled up at me, and my heart broke. Seeing her trapped in this bright-colored room for more than half her life. Alluka's tongue still came out to that of a five-year-old, and it was easily possible that she was illiterate.

"Big brother, let me show you my other paintings!" She exclaimed excitedly, like the child she still pretty much was, save for her outer appearance and high cheekbones. She got up from the floor and bounded toward her desk that had the boundless supply of canvases and paints.

I got up and went after her. "I haven't seen the ocean, but I wanted to try and paint it anyway." She cheered, as I peered over her shoulder to see colorful linen paper. A purple and orange sunset was painted on the horizon, which had a blinding yellow circle in the center as the sun. Just below it was the color blue, purple, and orange ocean that had lights reflecting off the waves.

It was breathtaking, and her skills had improved so much since she was just a child. But then again, this must've been one of her only forms of entertainment.

"It's beautiful," I said aloud, gaping at the brilliant rich colors. Alluka giggled and showed me more of her paintings she worked on over the years. As I admired her art, I told her about the great things in school, purposely leaving out the drama that happened recently. Her jaw dropped and her eyes brimmed with excitement as she listened to my experiences.

"I want to go to school!" She exclaimed and my heart split into a thousand pieces.

Her eyes looked so excited and stared into mine with expectancy, and I was at a loss for words. Mother and father wouldn't ever enroll her, and I wasn't even supposed to be here, seeing her at this very moment.

My head jerked to Milluki who suddenly yelled from the door, impatiently ushering me to leave. I quickly grabbed Alluka's hands with mine, stared into her icy eyes with determination. With perhaps a new will to live.

"I've got to go now, Alluka. But, I promise you'll attend school someday." I firmly say, and her smile grew wider.

"The next time I'm here, we're going to go see the ocean."


	16. Endearment

With each passing second, there was the grating sound of the whip in contact with my flesh. A stinging and burning sensation spotted all along the ridges of muscle on my back, which gradually began to grow numb over time. My pain tolerance training, which had temporarily halted for obvious reasons, proceeded on today. And on this very fifth day, I was still far from adjusting to my household again.

"You know, I could be hitting you worst right now. Be happy your dear older brother is showing you some mercy." Illumi stated, voice broken of emotion as he raised the leather lash, just to bring it forth repeatedly across my skin.

His eyes disturbingly black and empty with virtually zero glints of sympathies, and it like he wasn't even human. My eldest brother had worn a sapphire-colored tabard, that draped down to his knees along with the silky doll-like hair that everyone in the Zoldyck family seemed to have. Everyone looked plastic, or what you might call seemingly perfect, but no ones perfect right? If we were really ideal I wouldn't be there taking the whips from who should be my dearest brother that loves me profoundly.

"Whatever," I say, low and resigned while my eyes narrow; glaring at him. My knees began to hurt from sitting on the cold smooth surface on the ground for so long and I grit my teeth, in hopes of subduing the agony I felt. My old injuries on my face had healed up from Shalnark, only for my body to be dressed in more fresh blemishes from the whip maintained by Illumi. He was the one, driven by my parents to make me endure this training.

Forced, like a puppet, yes. But the resentment I feel for Illumi will never waver. Never in the slightest. 

For the next twenty minutes did it continue to go on, and ever so slowly the rope's rough fibers were scrubbing the skin on my wrists till it was raw. When my training was over, Illumi untied me and slowly stepped back as if I'd lunge at him like a wild animal. But by the way he moved, he wasn't afraid. I couldn't do anything to him, and he knew that.

I got up and began rolling my arms back and forth to stretch my aching muscles as Illumi began to leave the room without a word spoken. Once his footsteps faded away, I looked up at the doorway that leads to upstairs to see a new familiar face, Gotoh stood there in his butler's outfit, waiting to tend to my wounds like the old times. It made me feel afflicted, to be going through the same hell as when I was a kid with no sign of change. 

All the same, except the roundness of my face that matured.

I wanted it to end, yet even on this very fifth day here, I still had no plan to escape with Alluka. To see the ocean with her and see her leave on the first day of public school. Leaving the mansion was easy, but not for the longterm. I wanted to be done with my family for good.

"Come, Master Killua. Dinner is almost done, let me tend to your injuries before then." The black-haired butler formally spoke. I preferred informalities, but complaining was what got Canary killed, so I didn't dare to call him out for the sake of his life.

Gotoh stepped aside from the door and I shuffled past him and trudged up the stairs. The route was still drilled into my head after so many times I stepped up the stairs and towards his room. Even with the missing days, I was gone for, it still didn't make it the slightest bit foreign to me.

I shouldered my way into Gotoh's room, and the butler accompanied behind, sealing the door behind himself after stepping inside. The chair, located in the very corner, was there as always and I took a seat like many times before.

"I'm no longer a child, I'll dress my own injuries." I sighed, as Gotoh grabbed the medkit located in his drawers. The butler's room wasn't nearly as grand as mine and my siblings. The bed in the room was just over a large twin, with the beddings not as delicious in quality.

Gotoh raised a brow at me, looking doubtful as his fingers clasped around the handle of the kit. "You're confident to reach the cuts on your very back?"

"I'll manage," I grumbled through the discomfort, wanting to be alone. Gotoh who seemed like he was about to persist to help, appeared to catch onto my wishes. The butler gave me the medkit and I took it from his pale slender hands.

"If you insist, then. By the time you're finished, dinner will be ready. Don't be late or your mother and father will be angry." Gotoh addressed as he began to step out the door. I only sighed after him, knowing fully well of how pissed off mother gets when we're late for dinner. My shaky hands opened the red box that was filled with bandaids, medication, and equipment. 

I bit down on my lip, stifling a grunt of pain as I swiped a cloth soaked with rubbing alcohol against my now sensitive bruises and cuts. Sharp biting pain ran along my back while the wipe continuously cleansed the wounds. When I finished and looked down at the white fabric, it was spotted in little bits of crimson blood that I'd grown quite tired of seeing.

I shifted my gaze and stared out the window in Gotoh's room, the daylight was slowly growing darker as it neared farther into the evening. Behind the dark oak and pine trees, the sky painted pink and orange, which heavily recalled me of Alluka's art. The clouds looked sweet and frothy, like cotton candy, which I've tried for the first time with Ikalgo, in sophomore year at a carnival that opened up in town.

A deep sigh escaped my lips at the images and memories. Every day since did I yearn what I ran away from. Gotoh's been wary, so he hasn't let look at my phone since the day he first confiscated it, but I understand. If he was caught, his punishment would... be beyond comparable to Canary's. There are just some things worst than death.

I wasn't able to call Gon back after seeing his countless missed calls since the butler took my phone. But I'm not sure if I could've, even if I was allowed to. Seeing his unpredictable reaction, terrified me.

Eager to not be late for dinner and possibly get beaten, I slapped bandages on all the cuts I could possibly reach, before putting the kit away.

Dinner with the Zoldyck family wasn't something to look forward to. It was awkward, quiet, and the dining table was constantly filled with tension that was thick enough to slice through with a knife. Everyone was on their guard, it makes me wonder why we eat as a family anyway when there's so much distrust in the air surrounding us.

I got up and quickly slipped on a white collared shirt that'd been laying around in the butler's room to look somewhat presentable for supper since it was too late to stop at my room and quickly grab a formal shirt. I rushed out of the room toward the kitchen, my hair slightly swaying from the pressure of the warm air conditioner.

To my dismay, when I walked into the room with the large dinner table, everyone was already at it, eating off from their plates. Thankfully though, the food looked almost untouched. Mother and Father's heads snapped toward my direction as I quietly walked to the only empty chair, taking a seat.

"You're a little late, Kil." Mother commented void of sensation which made me feel slightly disturbed. She took a sip from her wine glass filled with expensive champaign, eyeing me with an unreadable expression. By the way her face looked blank and expressionless, I could tell she wasn't going to let this go, even though everyone in the family had barely begun to eat.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and glanced over at Gotoh whose facial appearance stayed the same and in order. "Y-yeah. My bad." I mumbled awkwardly, and stared back down at the small portion of caviar and smoked salmon on the expensive red and golden flower plate in front of me.

Mother and father looked slightly exhausted but not in a rational way, as they must've come home from a job. Sickening thoughts flew into my head, as I tried to guess what they might've done- or what they usually do. The seasoned expensive fish meat on my plate suddenly didn't look too appetizing, as the difficult images continued to shoot through my head, like a bullet.

But to avoid any more scoldings, I filled myself in large chunks, eager to not taste the rich; almost revolting food on my tongue. When I finished, I sat still and quiet in my seat, waiting for the rest of my family to finish their plate so I could quickly leave and disappear in my room for the rest of the nightfall.

I looked over at Milluki who'd almost inaudibly complained about the lack of food in tonight's supper. He hasn't said anything about Alluka in the past days, which I'm truly grateful for. But either way, I can't keep my guard down.

It's her life that's at risk after all.

~*~

I slammed the door shut behind me, and stripped off my pants before climbing into the velvety soft rosewater scented blankets on my bed, and which the air smelt of incense and fragrant smoke. I made no attempt to change into my nightclothes, as my cheek marked with a red handprint and was throbbing in pain. I knew mother wasn't going to let it go, but at the very least, it could've been way worst.

Suddenly as I sunk into the soft sheets, I felt lost. Since I reunited with Alluka, I've tried my hardest to think of a plan, but I still end up with nothing. Where could I escape to, that'd guarantee our safety from my family for the rest of our lives? It seemed like nothing was possible, and I felt powerless.

I laid there, under the sheets with the warm glow of the candles on the table beside the bed, making my hair glow as I was inhaling in the spicy scent the wax emitted. While the old wholesome memories flashed and played like a tape, with my brain as the projector.

I longed for the independence I had again, requiring to give anything in the world to be back in that apartment room, living with Zushi. Yet, I fucked it all up by myself before it was even forcefully taken away from me. Maybe that was a sign, or so I thought.

But there was new hope, Alluka. Would she have stayed to rot in that room forever without me knowing eternally? How did I forget? What did mother and father do to me? I starved for answers but I can't just straight up ask them. The thoughts frightened me though, she really can't stay there any longer.

As my cheek pressed against the pillow, my eyes scoured the blood-red colored room, just to wish to be in the beige bland room of my apartment again. To wake up, on the small mattress with a slight ache in my back from the old springs, because anything was better than being here.

And as if enough tears haven't been spilled in over the past few days, my eyes began to feel wet and runny. 

"I'm such a fucking crybaby." I cursed to myself, as drops of water rolled down my cheeks which began to turn a rosy pink from sorrow. The tears gradually dampened the pillow that my head rested upon, but no care was given toward the moist discomfort.

I rolled my face into the silken pillowcase and clutched my hands onto the fine-textured fabric in means of venting away my sadness.

Suddenly, a small objected thumped against the glass door that leads to the balcony. In a flurried movement, I jolted up from my bed, startled and wide-eyed from the sudden noise while quickly wiping the tears that ran down my cheeks away.

For a minute, I stared at the dark outdoors, contemplating whether what I heard was in my head or not, but soon enough was it confirmed that I wasn't hallucinating when another object; a small rock was thrown at the glass again, causing a thunk noise at it bounced off the door and onto the balcony's deck.

My heart began racing, but ever so slowly did I slip the blankets off my body and slide off the bed, my feet touching the soft rugged floor. Cautiously, I tip-toed toward the transparent door and peered at the darkened night. When I still couldn't distinguish anything from the shade of the twilight, I carefully opened the door and stepped out onto the balcony to look over the black railing, ignoring the biting wind as it washed over my exposed trembling legs.

Beneath the balcony, on the fresh-cut lawn grass, my breath hitched as my eyes laid onto the familiar tall figure in the night, that was just barely distinguishable because of the moonlight splashed a silver glint upon the figure's cheekbones.

Dark hair, tan skin, freckled cheeks, shining honey-brown eyes, my jaw dropped, and my heart soared at the beloved sight.

"Gon!" I whisper yelled out in the chilly night air and goosebumps formed along my skin whether it was from Gon's presence or the cold atmosphere that slowly turned my lips blue, but either way, I didn't mind. How could I care for such a minor inconvenience when Gon was there, so close yet so far. 

My eyes were unable to look away from the intensity in Gon's bright flaming orbs that glowed amongst the darkness below. Every muscle in my body ached in want as if the party never happened, and I just desired to run my fingers into his thick, salt-strewn hair, and kiss his sweet and sugary lips again.

I couldn't read his expression in the dim, but his head turned left and right, seemingly to look around as if trying to find something. Soon enough did I observe him as he began to climb up one of the oak trees closest toward the platform I stood upon, waiting in bliss excitement while too overcome with happiness to acknowledge the extreme risk he was taking.

I clutched tightly onto the black railing, my heart swiftly pacing as I expectantly waited in anticipation until he got to my level, on the oak tree's limb.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered out to him breathlessly, while loud enough for him to hear, before I stepped back from the edge as Gon braced himself to jump. He sprung from the branch that could barely withhold his weight and caught onto the rail before swinging his legs over it and planting his feet onto the firm weight of the balcony.

There he was, in front of me in a dark green hoodie, the same one he wore when we snuck onto the school campus. The light emitted from inside my bedroom shone over his face in a warm glow, and his expression; eyebrows were raised and drawn together with parted lips. Before I could say anything else, Gon swiftly bounded forward and tackled me into a hug, earning a small quick gasp.

The strong pair of arms wrapped tightly around me, and the familiar scent of spiced cinnamon welcomely drifted into my nose. I shut my eyes, as relief washed over me, as I felt this touch that I'd yearned so badly for. My arms made their way around him, and I hugged him back, not wanting to let go.

"Killua.." Gon breathed out, voice laced in the same comfort I was feeling. Even as we embraced in the freezing duskiness, his breath was heated as it washed over my jaw and my heart surged with warmth. 

I succumbed to my urges, not wanting to think about anything that happened before I ran off home. Just wanting to touch and feel Gon's mild skin again as I nuzzled into his coarse black hair. The desires consumed my mind and all my thoughts at that very moment.

But sure enough, as much as I wished to stay in his arms for eternity, we couldn't stay like this. Not at the mansion, and not after what I did to him.

When it all hit me, my hands grabbed his shoulders and gently urged to push him back. Gon complied, slowly sitting up on top of me with my palms pressed against his scapula, before hastily scooting back with pink that dusted his freckled golden cheeks and ears.

I sat up after him, on my naked thighs that touched and shuddered against the cold hardwood floor of the balcony. All was silent as we gazed into each other's faces, save for the distant crickets that sang in the darkness below, and the slow sounds of our breaths, that came out white like mist in the icy breeze.

Gon slowly reached out a hand after staring at my face for so long, and I swallowed hard, my throat feeling tight and constricted as I froze under the sight of his palm, too started to move, and too startled to speak.

A thumb lightly swept under my eye, gentle and careful to not be too rough on my pale skin. Gon's face, was full of soothing concern as he pensively asked in a soft peaceful voice. "Were you crying?"

My breathing stopped at his question, and I turned my head away in embarrassment, pulling apart from the comforting skim of his considerate thumb as I desperately wiped away any signs of weeping off my face.

He sighed and I whispered quietly, avoiding his concerned question. "Gon, what are you doing here?" The question earlier, repeated as it was never answered. Gon's restoring shiny globes stared deeply into the side profile of my cherry red cheekbones, and as my hair swayed and tousled in curls from the wintry weather. 

Because of the loss of Gon's warming contact, the outside's chilly atmosphere had begun to make me shiver again. And of course, because of how observant Gon was, the goosebumps that appeared all over my exposed flesh didn't go unnoticed. He got up and offered me his hand, while temporarily putting my question on hold and commenting, "You're cold."

Gon peered inside the glass door that leads into the bedroom full of welcoming warmth and soft lights, before glancing back down at me who still sat on the floor.

"Let's go inside first, yeah?" He prompted with a tilted head, beckoning his hand out for me to reach out and clasp onto, which I reluctantly complied, grabbing onto his warm calloused palms. The mere contact made a shuddering bloom of heat spiral into my stomach as he pulled me up in one swift motion. I wiped down my boxers, ridding of anything that collected on them when I sat down on the balcony's floor, before opening the glass door to let ourselves in.

Gon shut the door behind him, blocking out all the cold gusts to be greeted with the temperature of the heater and the smoky smell of the candles and incense. 

My cheeks began to heat up as I realized the lack of pants I'd worn on my legs, so I quickly began toward the silky sheets to cover my apparent skin. Until Gon suddenly spoke out to me from behind, in a deep, and soft nervous voice.

"I-.. I missed you."

At those very words, my feet froze in place, halting in my tracks that were heading toward the sheets of my bed. 

Slowly, my head turned toward Gon, querying if what escaped his lips was just a horribly hopeful scenario of my imagination. Questioning if my ears might've somehow just misinterpreted words into those I'd just wanted to apprehend. 

Gon stood there in the center of the room, looking frightened as he stared down at his scuffed shoes and fidgeted with his sweater's sleeves, and my breath caught in my throat. 

He really did.

"I'm so sorry I punched you that night- I was just so startled and- I'm sorry I was a coward, because, I.." He proceeded on, squeezing his eyes shut while rambling out an apology he wasn't even obligated to say. 

It all caught me by surprise, and quickly, I interrupted him, disbelieved that he felt the need to say he was sorry. 

"You're the coward? I'm the one who ran away from my problems all this time... I literally left you behind, how could you be the one to apologize." I susurrate out, partly terrified if my voice would break at this very moment if I talked normally. 

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't be the righteous person who'd own up for what they did. I was mentally weak, and incompetent, so I ran away.

I hate myself.

"Then we're both cowards." Gon admitted out loud, snapping me from my temporary self-pitying thoughts. 

"Do you have any idea of how I felt when you didn't show up to school on Tuesday?" He murmured with a rumbling soft growl as he slowly trudged toward me over the shiny dark wood floor and onto the rug.

His eyes were unreadable, and my breathing grew faster, seeing him slowly inch closer to me at such a slow pace, yet even then it was still unpredictable. Is he upset? Is he going to hit me?

Fear rippled throughout my body as I squeezed my eyes shut to keep back tears. And before Gon could possibly lay a hand on me, my mouth dropped open, hurriedly spilling out my words. "I'm sorry, Gon- I've felt awful since that night. It wasn't my place to say anything, and I'm so so sorry for running away."

I sucked in my breath while I braced myself to get hit. My hands were clenched into tight fists at my sides, preparing every muscle in my body to stay still and accept a potential strike.

But instead of a punch to the jaw, big hands gently wrapped themselves around me again and my breath fluctuated from the unexpected sensation. My eyes flickered open see Gon's face in front of mine. His facial expressions, filled with worry as he noticed the way I winced, but the look in his eyes was also forgiving, with a tad bit of something else that I'm too scared to interpret. To assume too early.

I wanted to curse myself for thinking Gon would do such a thing. He wouldn't come to find me just to pick a fight. He just wasn't like that.

His eyelids lowered as he shyly looked down at the little space between us. I felt dazed from his curly dark lashes that looked so pretty with his tanned skin and dappled freckles. God, I've missed him so much.

"I'm not going to pretend that what you did was okay, but... I forgive you." Gon murmured softly, and ever so slowly did I allow my hands-hesitant to hug Gon back- slightly grab onto the dark green fabric of the sweater; the part that was worn over his abdomen.

He swallowed slowly and I watched the tantalizing bob of his adam's apple, which began to hum along with his restful deep voice. "I was scared you left- and you really did."

My mind stirred up, trying to comprehend early what he was trying to say. Gon sighed, deep and heavy as he pressed on, his fingers still lightly clasped around me.

"Killua, both of us fucked up in one way or another. But I don't want things to end now." His brows were drawn in and pinched, his eyes avoiding mine like he was scared to see what expression I'd worn on my face as I tried to make sense of what he was implying.

We stood there still in silence, in the middle of my room floor. My brain in a messy whirl, with unorganized thoughts everywhere. 

The words began to sink in and yet I still couldn't fully understand, so I hesitantly bit my lip before asking, "What do you mean, Gon?"

Gon grew frozen under the question like it physically hurt him to be bold and forward just this once. Slowly, did he regain his composure, and softly let words slide off his tongue.

"Because... I couldn't say anything back then at the party, I want to address this to you now." Gon rustled, careful to try not to break the fragile tension. His hand skimmed up my shoulder and fingers tentatively stroked some strands of my white fluffy hair. Every sensitive part of my body felt as though it were on fire from the feel of his hands entangled into my locks.

"What did you want to tell me back then?" I nervously ask, my voice slightly anxious as I swallowed hard, anticipating what he had to say. Gon's hands paused from my hair as if he were stopping to think like he was reluctant to speak. Or that maybe he was once again, afraid.

"Ever since that Saturday night.." He began, but trailed off, his cheeks slowly turning flushed dark like bromeliad as he bit his lip in agitation, which I couldn't stop glancing at every now and then. 

The inner corners of my mouth curled up into a soft quick smile. "That night we snuck onto school campus?" I quietly laughed out short and effortless at the thrilling good memory. The memory that I'd possibly carry with me for the rest of my life, along with many others with Gon.

"Yeah," He grinned, but it was short-lived once he continued on with his sentence, while his fingers slowly resumed to combing the strands of white hair on my head. "I haven't touched Shalnark in that way since then, and-" He abruptly paused, looking embarrassed to admit such things.

My heart immediately swelled up at his very words that escaped his lips, and I felt what would be the rare emotion for me to come by called joy. 

Gon pulled away from the embrace, avoiding my gaze that roamed all over his beautiful structure in awe. "And- after that night, I panicked alright? I was scared; a coward, and tried to put some distance between us." Gon mumbled hastily, as he rubbed the nape of his flushed sweaty neck.

"Gon-" I say suddenly cut off while I gradually brought my hand forward, inching slowly as assuming thoughts invaded my head that made it move on its own.

"A-and Shizuku.. when you guys had been getting close I felt so irritated, and--" He mumbled frantically in a panic and things instantly began to click. Like the piece in a puzzle. All my suspicions felt confirmed. Complete.

"Gon." I interrupted him and grabbed onto his hand, eager to get straight to the point after my long-overdue realization. He stood still, halted in alarm from my firm voice and confident motion of my palms. But he was still more relaxed than before nonetheless.

It all started to make a little bit of sense, and I wanted to punch myself for not noticing everything earlier. If I was had an ounce of courage back then as I do now, everything between us would've been so much simpler. If I stayed in that bed with Gon, we could've discussed our feelings way earlier.

"Do you love me?" I whispered quietly, letting my fingers slowly intertwine with his, feeling my heart burst as he didn't pull his own away. My eyes held his, which were gleaming golden, and audibly did his breath hitch from my sudden spurt of confidence.

Gon seemed to gather back his courage as he brought forth his free hand to press his rough palm against my now burning cheek. At that point, I knew it was okay, and immediately I leaned into it while closing my eyes, craving more sweet strokes.

"I do." He hummed out, his voice was suddenly deep and husky, causing shivers to run down along my spine. He felt, genuinely intimately in passion, and this very moment felt so much more special knowing how he felt was mutual. 

Everything within me bloomed with happiness. Like the white oleanders in the spring. They were the only other flower that mother had planted beside the roses.

"Ever since Friday night, I realized how much you've meant to me over this past month." He continued, as his thumb caressed over my cheekbones with pure delicacy. 

My hand unhooked from his fingers and I wrapped my limbs around his nape, leaning forward to press my forehead against his. Letting myself become overwhelmed into his familiarly comforting scent that pulled me back from any musing or worry.

Cheeks began to flush red like candy, as I wanted to tell him how much I loved him right back, but the realization of how cheesy it'd probably sound, caused me to feel hesitant as embarrassment rippled across my blushing skin. 

"You already know that I.." I hesitantly spoke while slightly tipping my forehead away, avoiding his eyes with the red-like vermillion on my face, the lush colors spread out like the watercolor paints on Alluka's canvas.

Gon grinned, soft and genuine, without a single trace of cocky intent behind it, it was just solely fueled with genuine love and warmth. "Yeah, I do." He breathed out, the warm breath raised the hairs on my neck, just before he caught my lips into a tender fervent kiss.

Softer than the sea of pillows that arose above the sky, softer than the frothy sweet cotton candy at the carnival, and softer than the rich luscious fine-material of mother's dresses. Nothing could compare, not even the expenses.

And slowly, a rhythm built up. One filled with only love and desire for the other. And the more urgent Gon got, the more did my feet slowly take steps back toward the bed as he gently coaxed me backward.

When the back of my knee hit the edge of the velvety bed, Gon broke the kiss and softly pushed me down onto the soft sheets that smelt of rosewater. My senses were clouded with so many scents at once as he climbed over the edge, and caging me in with his legs. 

"You're so pretty, Killua" He gasped out as his tender honey-brown eyes gazed down at me, and for a second did I grow still as the compliment sunk in, creating blush to swell all over what was my pale skin.

Instead of reconnecting our mouths, Gon pressed his warm lips against my collarbone. The touch sent shivers throughout my body, evoking slight subtle twitches all over. My hands made their way to his hair, weaving, and stroking through the dark strands from the exciting feeling of his lips on the sensitive area around my neck.

Gon grew more excited, and arched his back out, shifting into a more intimate and close position between my bare thighs. His hands slid down to my wrists, grabbing them to pin them above my head, but the accidental rough movement shot a burning pain through my raw wrists, causing a small whimper of discomfort to erupt from my throat.

He jolted back from the whine, with confusion and fear in his eyes. Despite the pain, something within me felt so pleased to see him so concerned and cautious. It showed how much he cared. 

"Killua- are you okay?" He spoke out loud, voice no longer in a whisper, potentially shattering the fragile lust-filled moment. Gon began to panic as my hand reached out to console him. 

"Yeah., just.." I murmured slowly and trailed off, dropping my arm back on the mattress. Afraid to admit to the harsh methods my family used to try and teach me. He already knew, but how would he feel if he saw them again, fresh, purpled, and revolting.

Those concerned honey-brown eyes laid over the red rashed up skin on my wrists, that'd hurt like hell from earlier when I did my pain tolerance training. His heavy breath audibly hitched and he brought a gentle hand forward to hold my wrist.

"Your wrists, what happened.." He weakly murmured out, clearly in distraught. My joint laid benevolently into his hands, as he inspected the injury with those supposedly observant eyes of his, that didn't catch onto the injuries earlier as I hid them deep beneath the sleeves of the white collared shirt.

"I.." I began, but nothing could come out. There wasn't anything he could do anyway.

Gon considerately laid my hand back on the soft mattress and sheets, before suddenly unbuttoning my white collared shirt in a hasty flurry. His hands stumbling and trembling into what might've been anger. I tried to push him away, but he had me firmly pinned to the bed, under his legs that caged me in, making me feel delicate. 

Impatiently, he yanked the shirt apart without stopping to unbutton the last pin. Immediately was he revealed to the dark fresh vicious defects that placed all over my startling skin and the white band-aid patches that were messily slapped onto some cuts.

I shut my eyes, and my chest was heaving up and down, breathing deep in anxiety. My hands hastily splayed all over the new bruises on my body, desperate to cover as much as I can before Gon could potentially flip. The mass of his body on top of me was intensely still, sparking fear within me, as I slowly opened my eyes to Gon's face, whose irises were hard and fierce. 

Realization washed over me, as it came to me that there was no hiding it in any way. He was going to find out sooner or later tonight if things went on that is. I raised my arms, avoiding the look in his eyes as sorrow began to build up in my chest. It was the harsh reality, that I was still pretty much captured in this very mansion. That I belonged to my parents now, and being in love-or even having friends, was a violation of the rules in this household. 

"Killua, this is your family's doings right?" Gon spoke, but the voice dripped in acid. Poisonous like belladonna. I didn't want to shrivel up in fear from him, but the way that Gon... the boy who gave smiles as bright as sunshine, looked terrifyingly furious at this very moment. The complete opposite. 

On top of the cliff that day, anger, only for a moment, flashed in his eyes and I could remember it as clear as day. As well as the bites that ran along my spine. But here, it stayed. And I couldn't help but squirm from the coiling fright that shuddered throughout my bodies in waves. 

"You're scaring me, Gon.," I whispered out with shaky breaths, and forced myself to meet his terrifying dark eyes. 

When my words registered through his head, the anger was gone in a flash and his eyes widened before he stumbled back off of me. A sigh of relief escaped my lips once the familiar concerned, soft amber eyes of his had returned. 

I sat up on the edge of the bed, and Gon stood just before it, his face softer, but anger still collected into the clenched balls of fists. I wanted to reach out and reassure him, but the fact that we were physically in my room, in the mansion where he'd possibly get killed, stained itself into my mind like wine after having temporarily forgotten in the heated moment of happiness.

"Killua-" He began, but immediately I prevented him from talking any further while staring down at the bare white skin on my lap, just below the material of the boxers.

"You can't even be involved, you.. you aren't supposed to be here." 

The realization built up, and soon enough I frantically got up from the bed with hasty words leaving my mouth. My feet scuffed the rug, as I walked back and forth in a frenzy, and Gon watched me silently. His eyes burning in frustration and sadness.

"They'll do something if they catch you here, Gon!" I sputtered out, not wanting to imagine the kind of things the household might do. It made me feel sick to my stomach. All the happy and sappy love, barely lingered hopelessly as it felt like there was nothing that could be done. 

Not a plan was thought of, and I couldn't help but have begun to fear if I might've told Alluka an empty promise, that couldn't be kept. That I lied to her.

But oh how desperately did I want to see her smile at me with the ocean waves and golden horizon in the background. To see her in a school uniform, with an excited expression for the upcoming day. To see me with Gon...free of any troubles. Free of distress.

"I'll risk it if it means talking to you again." Gon suddenly spoke, and my heart ached and writhed in sorrow. He stepped up to me and wrapped his fingers with mine. My hand itched to squeeze my hand with his, but sure enough, I pulled away from his warm calloused fingers. 

"Gon.," I mumbled out, my state of paranoia, slowly subsiding. As I pulled my hand away, Gon snatched it back, and gave it a gentle squeeze, causing warmth to surge throughout my veins. He made it so hard to pull back, to let go. It was difficult.

He stared into my eyes tentatively, his head tilting as he brought back the earlier question he was keen to not let go. "Killua, your family did this, yes?" His thumb gently massaged the back of my hand in absent-minded circles.

My breath hitched at the question, but looking at Gon, he was far calmer than before. I sighed out, a puff released that I hadn't realized I'd been holding in. 

"Yes," I mumbled, almost inaudibly as my eyes averted his. He was quiet for a few seconds and his thumb movements slowly halted to a stop, but he was calm nonetheless. It slightly built a little courage inside to admit so, since it was obvious anyway. Even a blind person could see it.

In amongst the rosewater smell that clung to my shirt from the sheets, Gon's skin glowed from the candle as he finally softly spoke, with a hint of desperation that gleamed within his orbs. "Killua... stay at my house."

My heart sank into my stomach.

If only it were that easy. If only freedom was really that easy to obtain again. Perhaps it was last time. But something tells me if I did it again, my family wouldn't let me go so easily.

I didn't pull away, but my fingers tensed against his, as I promptly stammered out, "I.. I can't. Are you crazy? That will put you and Aunt Mito in danger." And Alluka, I silently added to myself. Maybe I should tell him about her, but It's too late tonight and it doesn't even matter. He can't come back. 

Staying at Gon's house, which might've been on the other side of the vast town, still was a huge risk. Milluki, is highly talented at tracking and finding people's locations. It wouldn't take long for Illumi to...

Dread filled my guts at the thought, and I glanced up at Gon who pinched his brows and carded his fingers through his hair in frustration. Then a new question sparked my interest and curiosity. I'd been so wrapped up in surprise that I didn't even ask how he found me. 

"Gon, how did you know this was where I was staying?" I pensively ask, though maybe Ikalgo told him some hints. Ikalgo didn't know much about my family, but he knew around the area in which I lived. That's the only way I can think of, of how Gon found me.

"Ikalgo. He told the relative location of where your family lived at since he didn't exactly know the address. He misses you a lot, so does Zushi." He bit his lip and confirmed it. I looked down at my freehand with a deep sigh, my entire body filled with regret. How were they doing? How was Zushi? Or even... how was Kurapika?

"I've missed him too. Will you tell him that the next time you see him?" I ask, without a clue as to when I can just tell him myself. Without a clue as to when Gotoh may let me use my phone. Without a clue as to when I can even plan a longterm escape from this damned mansion.

Gon smiled, in an attempt to lift the atmosphere up, but it was quite weak and brittle. "Of course. You might want to close your curtains by the way."

I'd only gave him a breathy snort in reply, and after many seconds left of Gon and I standing in the smokey scented room passed by, he stepped forward, steps heavy but filled with caution.

"I'm leaving now," He murmured, sadness lacing his voice and I perked my head up at him, feeling gloomy hyacinth swell inside my chest. Yet I should be pleased that he'll be safe soon. Why am I so selfish when it comes to Gon? I just want him to stay with me forever, no matter where we were. But I know that's just my present desires thinking.

"Alright, Gon..." I whispered and restrained a gasp as he pulled me into one last hug. His palms pressed against my waist, and the pads of his fingers felt reassuring as they laid across the thin fabric of the shirt.

He squeezed me firm, before softly sighing into my ear, "I'll see you again, Killua." And the very words guiltily filled me with happiness, when I knew it was wrong. My voice had broke, longing to not dismiss him.

Gon then pulled away and slowly turned to trudge toward the door with slow steps that clearly resembled he didn't want to leave, as I stood there in the middle of the floor, staring at his back. 

"Gon- you can't," I called out after him once my composure regained itself, and while trying to desperately ignore the exciting chills that ran along my skin. I wanted to hit myself for it. 

"Too bad. I want to talk to you more." He said as he opened the glass door. But Gon didn't step out, or not yet anyway. He halted there, hesitant to leave as the cold air from the outside swayed the black strands on his head. 

"Oh yeah," Gon said as he turned to me and felt his hands around his pockets to look for something. I raised a brow at him in confusion, but thoroughly pleased in a way to see him still here, even if it was just another mere second.

He pulled out a bar from his pocket; a chocolate bar to be exact, before hastily running up to me and putting it in my hands.

I stared at him dumbfounded, my lips parted in surprise before eventually responding, "How'd you know I liked chocolate?" 

"Just a hunch." He grinned and gave me one last soft kiss, that startled me enough to drop the chocolate on the floor.

"Goodbye, Killua." He quickly whispered and left out the glass door; vanishing in the dusky dark before I could even comprehend the latest sugary taste of him in my mouth.


	17. Love Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short boring chapter today :[
> 
> Also all this has been reposted off from my Wattpad! Updates start from today's chapter.

I awoke to the soft sheets and the morning's weak autumn sun rays which beamed in from outside the cherry-red curtains. Slowly casting myself of the remaining glimpses of a sweet dream, which were, unfortunately, better than the harsh realities. I soaked in the warmth of my covers before flickering my eyes open, and immediately laying my sights out the glass door.

It's been two weeks since Gon came, and he hasn't come back. Every time morning and night comes, I eyed out that glass door, in hopes that Gon would be there in a dark hoodie with a smile on his face that read, 'I miss you. I'm here. Don't worry.'

And much to my disappointment, every time my eyes laid over the balcony, he was never there. Feeling such distress that he hasn't come yet has made me feel selfish and guilty, but hope was forever lingering in memory of the sweet words that slid off his tongue. 

'I'll see you again, Killua.' Just the thought made me shudder in want. To want to lay my eyes on the raven-haired boy who loves to play ball and write poems. When I think about it now, I've craved to ask and know more about his passion for his hobbies. 

When will you see me again, Gon? Will it be weeks or months? What's taking you so long? I miss you already.

"Master Killua?" A head poked out from behind the door, and I snapped out of my thoughts and jerked my head to see the pale-skinned black haired butler, Gotoh. He stood behind the door, his eyes and movement fueled with caution. 

I sat up from my bed and rubbed my knuckles against my tired eyes that longed to be put to sleep once again. That dreaded for the day ahead of me.

"Hello, Gotoh. Does mother want me up right now?" I ask the butler, my voice void of any enthusiasm. All week, I'd been working with Milluki, schooling with the servants, and occasionally pain tolerance training with Illumi. Not a day has gone by where I didn't have an ache at least somewhere on my body.

"You have a meeting in the main living room in thirty minutes, but I thought that maybe you should get a glance at your phone," Gotoh gave me a brief smile, and slightly I could feel the corners of my own mouth start to lift as well as excitement washed over me in a wave.

I rid the soft covers that were on me as Gotoh walked toward the bed with a hand rummaging through the pocket of his black blazer. Soon enough did he pull my old iPhone out and gently gave it to me with care.

I took it reluctantly and turned it on, and once it did, I was immediately overwhelmed with what seemed like hundreds of notifications. 

However, there were no new missed calls from Gon after that night, much to my frustration. I bit down on my lip, reading the very few text messages sent in the past, which only ever usually discussed homework and other things. Other things that were said for a reason, or excuses to just strike up a conversation on my part. 

I sighed with disappointment and swiped out of Gon's contact to search for Ikalgo's name, and upon opening and reading his messages of him saying he missed me along with other things like his concern and basketball, a small faint smile made it's way to my lips once again. One mixed with happiness and sadness.

And Zushi, unaware of anything, seemed a little angry at first of my sudden absence. But overtime with each day, a prompt text was sent from him, explaining each day's events, and still trying to keep in touch. Perhaps it had made me happy because of the sense of normalcy that was felt from hearing from someone who didn't know my problems.

I glanced up at Gotoh, who'd waited patiently for me to go through my notifications and texts. I hastily deleted some apps from my phone and gave some brief replies before turning it off and giving it back to the butler who reluctantly took it from my hands.

"I'll excuse myself now, and I'd advise you to not be late for the meeting, Master Killua. I heard it's important." He said as he put the electronic back into his pocket and waltzed toward the door. I watched him until the door was gently shut behind him, earning an exhalation as I got up from the mattress to get ready. 

The drawers opened and immediately was I greeted with coats and trousers. By one of the butlers; who had been ordered to replace the majority of my casual clothing with formality. It made me angry, to say the least, but it was a minor inconvenience compared to most of my worries.

I slipped on the black fine-materialized clothes, fastening my belt and tie before heading into the bathroom to comb the wispy wild mess on my head that stuck up from sleeping on it weird. Once I finished, I set the comb back into the drawer and dreadfully trudged over the restroom's linoleum floors, out the bathroom door, and toward the living room where my family awaited.

Dread filled my guts as I walked down the blood-red hallway, corners striped with gold. Upon turning the corner, there was I greeted into the darkroom with an unlit fireplace, with the walls dressed in family photos, and with the only major light source being the firey glows of the waxy candles that smelt of smoke.

Few members of my family watched my arrival like Mother, Father, and Illumi, alongside some new faces I hadn't recognized, but at first glance, they definitely seemed like important folks to my family. 

"Oh, he's arrived! Mr. Nostrade, this is Killua. Our son." Mother announced excitedly; clasping her hands together as she stood beside my father, Silva. Immediately, I recognized the name from somewhere. She then beckoned me toward an unfamiliar man with gray; almost lavender hair and mustache grizzled from age. 

Beside the old man, stood a girl, and judging by her appearance, she looked about the same age as me. Her eyes were the color turquoise-just like the man beside her; which reminded me of robin eggs. She'd worn a darker pink dress, that cascaded down into a white skirt, and slightly brushed against the floor, depending on however she moved. What mainly caught my attention was the girl's hair, that was unnaturally dyed to be a cobalt blue and tied up with a bun; though many short hairs swept across her forehead like bangs.

"Killu, this is Mr. Nostrade and his daughter Neon Nostrade. They're an important client and one of our usual customers." Mother smiled, and I perked up at her after viewing the unusual girl. So that's why they were familiar, I've heard the name many times after working with Milluki.

Suddenly, realization washed over me and something in my stomach writhed in disgust. So they're the daily clients who buy body parts.?

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Zoldyck. I hope you can get along with Neon well." The man with gray hair greeted while putting a hand forth to shake. Which, I reluctantly took it, forcing a polite grin on my face as I gave him a firm clasp. 

What does this old man mean, 'get along with Neon?' Tch. It's not like I'm going to see her often after this meeting. Right?

"Yeah, It's nice to meet you too," I say forcefully well-mannered while glancing at the girl, who stood there quietly, her hands clasped together out in front of her with a bored expression that wore itself on her features. 

I glared at my mother, tilting my head away to make sure the newcomers couldn't see the clear irritation that displayed itself all over my appearance. 

She saw the look in my eyes and something wavered into those dark orbs but quickly she turned toward the man and his daughter with another strained smile on her face. "We can get to introducing Killua and Neon soon, but if you'll excuse me, I've got to talk to my son for a second. Silva, please keep accompanying them!" She called out while her skeletal hands like porcelain rested upon my shoulder as she led me to around the corner to discuss in private.

"Why're they here?" I say deadpanned, breaking the seemingly lighthearted atmosphere my parents created with so many fake smiles. The corner of Mother's lips immediately turned into a frown as she stared down at me with an unreadable expression.

"They're a rich company we need to merge with. To do that, you and Neon have to start getting along." She addressed, and immediately my eyes widened as I realized what she meant.

I stepped back, taking the words in, as my voice was barely a whisper. "You don't mean..."

"Yes, Killu. I know you saw this coming." She confirmed, and my breath hitched. Perhaps subconsciously I did but was too hopeful and dismissed it. Mother's cherry tinted lips formed into a firm line and anger within began to boil up.

"Why didn't I know about this beforehand!?" I demanded fiercely, and the dangerous look in Mother's dark eyes made me want to shrivel up from pressure. There was a visible twitch in her jaw, and I swallowed harshly.

Her eyes narrowed into a glare from the way my voice raised and she hissed, "It's not like you have a say in it, Killu. This is highly important." She reached her bony hand; dressed in white lace, to strictly grab onto my shoulder. 

"I don't agree with this. I won't do it. I want to marry someone I love." I grimaced and yanked away from the pad of her fingers. She retracted her hand and the glare she emitted was intenser than ever. But I held her gaze with my own defiant cerulean orbs.

"Killua Zoldyck. You don't have a choice." She asserted with a stern voice, and hatred surged throughout my veins. 

"Kiky-" 

And before I could finish, an open-handed clap landed against my cheek, leaving a red welt behind, as well as a cut from the expensive ring Mother wore. The sudden contact caused me to slightly stumble back and clutch to where was marked.

"Do not call me by my name, I am your mother. Now shut your trap and go meet the girl, you must learn to love her." She snapped; her voice full of venom like a scaly skinned cobra. And with that she turned toward the living room; her ruffled dress trailing behind her as I could barely comprehend what just happened. 

My hands dropped and knuckles grew white as I clenched my fist tightly, with gritted teeth from the effort to remain silent. I ignored the stinging pain that still lingered on my cheek, and followed Mother back into the living room, quickly replacing the scowl on my face with a fake emotion that was more appropriate.

I tilted my head down as soon as we were back in the living room, trying to hide the redness of my cheek that slightly stung. Even with the slight strands of snowy white hair that covered some line of vision, I could tell unwelcoming eyes were glancing at me, trying to comprehend what might've been discussed. And I hated it when people tried to read me.

"Sorry about that, how about we have some tea and discuss some things while we leave the two alone, yeah?" Mother's voice rang loud, full of enthusiasm as if the same voice just wasn't hostile moments ago. I grit my teeth and stole another glance at the blue-haired girl who still looked uninterested.

The old man nodded his head in agreement, "Yeah, that sounds good. Neon, stay with Mr. Zoldyck, alright?" He beckoned toward the younger girl, and she only slightly tilted her head, in a neutral manner.

"Yes, papa." Neon murmured obediently as she began to reluctantly walk toward me from the other side of the room, the white skirt of her dress swaying along with the graceful movement of her legs. An obvious sign that she'd been royalized and spoiled her whole life. 

Admittedly, she was pretty. Nobody could deny it, not even a closeted gay. It's just something anyone can acknowledge, whether they're your preference or not. 

"Show her around the house and talk to her, Killu." Mother called after me while exiting the room along with Neon's father, Silva, and Illumi. Though fueled with anger, nothing escaped my lips, and once the last trace of people had gone and around the corner, I turned to her with narrowed eyes. 

Yet the girl's face was unphased from the sudden hostility that emitted from within. No flickers in her features from the true feelings that I shone without shame.

"I'm not going to pretend to be nice, because I don't want a thing to do with this." I snarled, hoping to get perhaps fear from those turquoise orbs. But nothing within her eyes were readable, as she concentratedly observed into my own cerulean globes, without even a blink. 

I grimaced from the unsettling way she intensely stared at the appearance of my eyes but finally felt relieved once the still lips; quiet as the snow falling had finally parted to speak. "It's not like I want marriage either. I'm not interested in that kind of thing. However...

She trailed off, excitement sudden gleamed into the teal apatite color of her orbs."I love those summer clear skies you call eyes. How much?" She demanded, her hands excitedly clutching the ruffles of her dress as she peered in awe.

My nose scrunched and brows pinched in confusion at what she said but slightly disturbing chills ran along my spine. "What do you mean?" I ask tentatively, biting my lip, and feeling really odd at the girl's comment.

"How much for those eyes. They're pretty." She blatantly answered. 

I stepped back, giving her a strange look in revulsion as a reminder of how sick this girl's collection was. "Y-you're weird. Stick to what's on the auctions. I'm not letting you have my eyes." My words stumbled out with aggression and I backed away before turning away to show her around the mansion as mother instructed. 

As we explored the halls, the word marriage rang through my head repeatedly, and frantically it leaves my mind is a whirl of panic. Gon, Gon, Gon. What am I to do? Depending on whenever they plan the day, I have to leave before then or it'll just make things more complicated.

I stole a peek at Neon, who studied the family photos as we passed by. Does she know when they scheduled it? It must be far from now, yes? But with the rich money the Zoldyck family has, why would they need to wait for long?

"Neon," I demanded, and her head immediately perked toward me. 

"Yes?"

I bit my lip, just as I stopped behind a door, that lead into other rooms of the mansion. "Do you know anything about the wedding?" Tentatively, did I ask, nervous to see just how far ahead Mother and Father planned without me knowing.

She hummed in thought as I clasped my hand onto the doorknob and slightly opened it to reveal the other richly styled rooms, filled with high-quality furniture. "Well, my papa said it'd be sometime these next three weeks. That is if they don't change their mind during this meeting. But papa has his mindset to this wedding, I don't think he'll let this opportunity escape." She answered honestly and did my breath catch in my throat.

Three weeks. Three weeks and very much possibly less is the amount of time I have to plan something. Damnit. The pressure is truly on now. 

Alluka, I wonder how you're doing in that vivid colorful room all alone.

Don't you worry, I'll figure something out.


	18. The Light Of My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gonna re-edit this when I'm not exhausted lmfao

Rancid drops of water, leaked from the old moldy pipes that ran along with the ceiling in the vast damp hallways of the basement floors. My scuffed dirty converse dragged along the ceramic tiles of the ground, which slowly, by each drop of the foul toxicity, it had begun to pool up in small puddles. The basements maze of hallways and rooms was lit up with very dim lights and was always unkempt. It was astonishing to know how Milluki worked in the damp moist atmosphere for more than half his life.

The air stank, horrible like something just died, which may be something did. I squeezed a hand over my nose to keep the smell out, just barely acknowledging and following the tall figure; which had black shiny hair cascading down past his knees, who was leading me through the revolting gray corridors.

It was two days since Mr. Nostrade came to introduce his daughter to me for marriage, and so far, it's been confirmed that she'll be unwillingly betrothed to me. Unwillingly on my part, I have no idea if she seriously cares or not. But neither Mother nor Father has said a single word toward me about when the wedding will be. It was safe to assume that it was just best to leave as soon as possible, yet I still couldn't bring myself to step foot out of the mansion with Alluka just yet. It felt like something was holding me back.

Illumi ahead of me had stayed quiet. Not a word emerged from the porcelain mouth of my eldest brother. What were we doing today? The noiseless eerie silence had made me feel uncomfortable. What is he planning? What was he ordered to do? The footsteps echoed throughout the passages, initiating me to feel alert and cautious while moving with distrust.

My eldest brother paused in his tracks in front of a wooden damp door, that smelt of rotting timber. The keys heavily jingled in his slender hands, as he clicked it inside the lock, followed by the groan of the door opening, and finally letting loose a deep sigh as it swung off to the side.

We were approached with a dark room that was very slightly lit from the vague lights in the hallway and was clearly in no better shape than the rest of the maze. To be completely honest, it reeked worst. I began to squint and try to adjust my eyes amongst the darkness, but soon enough were my eyes greeted with the sudden flicker of a harsh bright light that lit the room like those in a hospital.

I rubbed my face with the back of my knuckles, before opening and blinking against the severe glowing lightbulb.

And then once the temporary blindness subsided, my dewy eyes laid upon a horrific sight.

There laid on the floor, tied in bundles of thick rope, was a stranger who was blindfolded, but nonetheless, alive. However, the stranger's; who seemed to be a young woman, her body was bare and she had legs that were skinny and spotted with satin scars and fresh cuts, from what must've been caused by Illumi.

Her hair was golden and sprawled out onto the dusty tiled floor, the dirt ridding of any shine it might've had. My heart rate quickened, and my breathing began to grow unsteady, as my heavy feet frantically stepped backward, feeling gangly and weak.

"Mother and Father ordered today you'd get to have your first kill. Aren't you excited?" Illumi turned to me from beside the light switch, a forced smile strained upon those dolly lips of his. He was completely unphased from the trembling woman who'd laid out on the floor, with many purply blemishes that coated her tanned skin.

My hand; in a swift flurry of movement, cupped over my lips to prevent throwing up from the sickening sight and smell. My hot breath washing all over my palms in frantic waves and pooling out in the space between my fingers. 

"Y-you're wrong, this is just a joke. R-right?" I stammered out, my back pressed against the door, in an attempt to stand as far away from the tied up girl as possible.

"No, Killu. Mother has made preparations for a celebration on Thursday." Illumi blatantly stated while messing with a camera, that flashed a light signally it was on. Immediately, in a jolt I pivoted toward the door and yanked onto its handle, just to find it locked. When I realized I couldn't leave, I very slowly, tensely turned toward Illumi, with my orbs widening in fear.

This is a sick joke. It has to be. This. Isn't. Real.

My mind tried to fill itself with reassuring thoughts, but the longer my eyes laid upon the blonde sniffling in pain and Illumi's dead monotone features, it was hard to dismiss their orders as unreal.

I recall; as a young child; remembering when Milluki had his first kill. He was just a year younger than me, and after being brought down into the basement, he didn't appear again for almost three months. 

And after that, he drastically changed.

My feet stayed glued to the floor below me, making zero attempts to do what Illumi and my family had desired. They weren't going to win. Never. Yet, something shiny and made of steel flashed from Illumi's hands, and my eyes flickered down to see the jagged knife that was clutched by the long pale; skeletal fingers.

Illumi slowly stalked toward me, and I stood as still as my trembling skin would allow me to. His hands curled around my shoulder and he urged me toward the woman, as he placed the handle of the blade into my hands. "I'm- I'm not going to do it." I defied assertively, trying to step back against the wall once again.

But Illumi was behind me and didn't allow my body to withdraw away from the invisible path toward the woman that he was guiding me to. His cold finger pads were on mine, holding the knife with me; but not tightly as he wasn't troubled about me turning on him.

"Please, whoever you are, don't hurt me!" The young woman cried out, rivers of water pouring down her red cheeks in fear and terror. The poor random stranger must've been unfortunately plucked off the streets. Tears began to form in my own eyes, as some shaky steps were made toward the lady; forced by the eldest pale man with silk black hair.

Illumi whispered in my ear, faint and cryptic; while laced in the toxin. "It's okay, Killu. Get it over with, and do it nice and quick. Mother and Father want a good performance." He grinned, but no passion was there. Just the movement of his lip muscles.

I frantically shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut, as my face began to feel paralyzed and numb from the tissues on my face that frowned with terror. Droplets streamed down, and I struggled back against Illumi, giving more effort to stop the steps that treaded slowly toward the woman.

"Stop... I don't want to!" I cried out, and the fingers clasped around my limbs tighter. Even with the formidable body strength that I possessed from so much training and sports, the cold grip still made me feel weak; and frightened.

"Killua, kill her." He commanded darkly, his voice becoming low, husky, hostile, and sinister as it sent my skin quivering and coated with goosebumps.

"No!"

"Kill her." He repeated.

"No!"

"KILL her."

I squeezed my eyes and defiantly yelled out; as loud as the wavering scared voice inside could muster.

"NO!"

And with that terrorizing scream, my body abruptly broke out of the manipulative claws of Illumi.

~*~

"You useless piece of shit. What does Mother see in you?"

I slowly looked up from the ground to see the face of the voice; I was on the peak of unconsciousness once again as my face was battered in red welts and blemishes. Illumi glared down at me; scarlet dark blood leaking out of his right black eye that was for once full of emotion.

He was entirely unhinged, lashing at me over and over, with the stinging whip, while his hair was in a messy disarray of unorganized strands, completely different from usual when it was constantly well-kept and neat.

The blood from his eye oozed out and dripped; spattering onto the cold basement floor with a wet sickening noise. I was where I took my usual beatings. My body on the ground jerked against each strike, falling into unconsciousness just to be brought back to the awoken world with another hit. 

Am I going to die? Is Alluka going to keep on waiting with innocent hope, just to find that I'll never come back? Will Gon... no... has Gon already forgotten about me?

"You'll fucking pay for this, stupid spoiled brat." Illumi's voice hissed with sinister violent intentions. He seethed like an adder, coiling his arms back just to lunge them out to create another wound that would form to be a blackish-blue color.

My eyes focused on the dark bleeding cut on his globes; trying to recall what happened before I was knocked away into the temporary slumber. My arms felt weak as they sprawled out across the cold stone, and it hurt my head to think back. But soon enough did the events that happened before; come back to me.

...

"NO!"

I screamed and twisted out of Illumi's hard grasp and yanked my hand that was held by the sickly claws of my eldest brother who dangerously growled from the resistance. I held the blade tightly and drove it toward the raven-haired sibling of mine; whose eyes widened like those of an owl's.

The blade sliced against the soft flesh of his right eye and blood sprayed out; dying our clothes that we wore the color crimson.

Illumi stumbled back, a hand clutching the wound on his eyeball, and I stood there with both hands gripping the knife as it was displayed out in front of me in a defensive manner. My chest was frantically heaving up and down with breaths that came out raggedy and fueled with panic. The pressure against the wound wasn't enough to stop the blood flowing, as the plasma spilled and slipped out of Illumi's hands and dripped onto the cold floor.

No sound save for the girl sobbing in the background and the ragged unsteady pattern of my breathing.

Illumi's head tilted down and was intensely still. I swallowed hard and instantly my blood froze when he slowly raised his head, to reveal his facial features that were overcome with rage. His eyes narrowed at me with the vermillion blood dripped down his cheek; with hatred almost visually surging through those dark blue veins of his.

When the shock lifted; he sprang toward me who could no longer move as my legs felt like jelly. The same legs, trained in soccer for many years of my life, turned to be useless. The blade was immediately knocked away from my hands, and the pads of his fingers immediately dug into my throat; clutching it and disrupting the flow of oxygen in my lungs.

My arms desperately held onto Illumi's wrist, eagerly trying to pull away from his palms that were firmly gripped upon my esophagus. I felt as if my lungs were slowly filling with crisp, cold, and sharp water, as the lack of air became more apparent. I tried to suck in some breaths, but it was futile as nothing was getting delivered to my organs. Gradually as my face turned blue and the fruitless efforts of my hands that tried to push Illumi away failed; unconsciousness slowly started to take over me.

...

I was brought back to reality as another strike of the whip hit my cheek; creating a light cut that slowly began to ooze with blood. Pain bit all along my body that had already been stinging from previous bruises.

Despite all this agony, there was a wave of relief from the memory.

I didn't kill her.

I'm not a murderer.

A brittle smile appeared on my lips before I tucked my face away from the harsh slaps and blaring light of the basement's bulb. All that was given in return to my grin was only the grunt of anger and the crack of leather.

"He's had enough, Illumi. He can kill another day." An old grizzled aged voice appeared from seemingly nowhere, and I jerked my head up quickly; the brief unconscious feeling vanished in a blink of an eye. Zeno was there at the doorway in his usual purple Japanese garments, and he seemed to always be saving my ass after every harsh beating I receive.

Illumi's anger vanished faster than light and reverted back to his old monotone and emotionless self again. Rough-edged breaths escaped my throat, and when Illumi finally set down the lash, it felt safe enough to get up. So reluctantly, I sat up from the stone-cold floor, while ignoring the discomfort in my joints and flesh.

Grandpa Zeno always looked at me with those pitying guilt-stricken eyes of his, which drooped from age. His hands were firmly clasped behind his back, as he gave me another look; familiar to the day Canary was murdered. As much as I hated the sympathetic look he gave, he was still considered the kindest man in our family.

Illumi stripped off the ropes tied onto my wrists and left the room without a word like he always did. That's just how it was. He'd beat me up, untie me, then leave with no words said. I watched his back until he became out of sight and dissolved into the darkness after entering a dim room.

As I got up onto my wobbly legs, the old man in the purple tabards spoke. "How was your life away from home?" Zeno asked, trying a trifling attempt to create small talk as if I wasn't just beaten to a pulp moments before. The comment relived many moments I dearly longed for once again, and gently a small drop trickled from the rim of my eye.

Cold silence was the only answer I had given him, as I staggered past into the doorway and trudged up the stairs. Grandpa didn't comment anything afterward, as he looked away in shame and guilt.

~*~

Sssst.

I let out a small hiss of pain as the cloth soaked in rubbing alcohol was swiped against the sensitive fresh wounds. I sat on the velvety bed in my room; legs sprawled out as I twisted my torso around to reach the deeper wounds.

My heart still beat furiously, from the traumatic event that occurred from earlier that day. I shuddered in the middle of tending my wounds as I thought about the jagged knife coated with gore and the cold touch of Illumi's violent hands. He wasn't allowed to kill me, but earlier it felt that we would have no remorse for his actions and consequences if it went that far.

My eldest brother rarely showed emotion, and when he did it was always anger. I can barely remember the last time I had seen him smile, and it was when I was just a little toddler. The memory however is very vague from time.

As I was halfway done with tending my wounds, a sudden knock clanged at the glass doorway, and my heart leaped from right outside my chest.

My breath hitched and I jerked my head toward the noise; excitement filling the very core of my bones once my cerulean orbs laid onto the unexpected, but welcoming figure.

The dark green hoodie, coarse black spiky hair, and amber eyes which glowed in the dark;

There was Gon again, outside the transparent door, but quickly my enthusiasm died down when I noticed something was a little off. Something about him was... different.

My legs swung down off from the mattress and I stepped toward the door swiftly, my steps barely making a noise. My hand reached and unlocked the handle with a click, opening the door, and revealing a gust of breeze.

The candles flickered rapidly, growing weak from the raging wind. But soon did the flames revert back to being calm once the door shut behind Gon after he silently stepped inside. He didn't move once he was indoors. He just stood there and stared down toward the ground with his head hung low.

"Gon?" I asked out softly, not thinking once about myself telling him not to come back. All that was on my mind was why does Gon seem so upset? He was silent, and slowly I stepped up to him and gradually wrapped my arms around his shoulders to try and get rid of that faraway look upon his face.

"Gon.. are you okay?" I repeated, peering up into his dim lamps from the level of his chest. They looked saddened, but soon enough were they no longer readable as Gon closed his eyes and sheathed his arms around me as well.

His firm hug was gentle, as he was now aware of the injuries that laid all over my skin. "I'm sorry, I didn't come sooner, something happened.." He murmured quietly and his face sunk into my white locks.

"What happened.,?" I ask him, as my hands soothingly rubbed his back in absentminded circles. He was quiet again for another few moments, but I stood there in his arms, waiting patiently, feeling the hot flow of his breath wash over my forehead.

A sniffle erupted from Gon, making my heartache in sadness, just seeing him vaguely upset. "She found out, so I couldn't visit." He whispered; the air around his words made my heart rate quickened.

He couldn't possibly mean...

I swallowed harshly, afraid to confirm my suspicions of whom Gon was referring to, yet slowly and surely did the assumption escape my lips. "A-Aunt Mito?"

And by the subtle slight nod of his head, did my heart sink deep down farther below to the core of the earth. Judging by the afflicted mood he was in, it couldn't have gone very well. It's my fault. It's my fault that she found out, isn't it?

"How...?" I hesitated, but the silence that followed after my question only confirmed my suspicions of it being my fault. The kneading of my palms against his back slowed down to a halt, as slight fear began to ripple in small tide waves throughout my body.

Gon sighed, deep and heavy after a long moment, and proceeded to answer my question with a cloudy tone. "She found out from school, and she didn't take it very well.. my phone's been taken and she's only allowing me to stay in my room, except for school."

"She's allowing you? Are you not supposed to be out at this very moment?"

"She furious. She knows I've left, but I don't care because.." He pulled his head back from the tousles of my hair and gazed down at me with those glossy sad eyes, that I wouldn't ever get used to seeing anytime soon. 

"I wanted to see you again so badly." He finished, but the words didn't calm the bittersweet feeling of guilt that weighed heavily on my chest.

Suddenly he stifled a laugh; not one filled with any kind of joy, it was one with a derelict tang to it, a laugh sang to cope. His eyes searched me all over and only grew guiltier by the second; as he counted every single bruise on my bare body. "I'm sorry, Killua. I know you're doing worst than me.." His finger skimmed a particular wound, with such gentleness I couldn't feel any painful pressure.

My breath caught in my throat, feeling absolutely baffled that he's managed to try and apologize every time he's done nothing wrong. "Gon, it's okay. Your problems aren't any less significant compared to mine." I relieved him, but felt bitterly toxic in a way, as I can't help but wonder if I'm subconsciously hurting him in some kind of way. Just by staying with him. 

I really don't deserve him. Not here, not now, not ever.

"Plus... I'm the reason for your latest one." I whispered almost inaudible, but Gon's attentive ears caught the words just in time. 

He instantly pulled away from upon hearing my words, but his hands grasped my shoulders in a gentle, yet straightforward kind of way. "Don't feel guilty, please. It could have been avoided." Gon murmured benevolently, almost demanding that I wouldn't feel bad. But even with hearing those words, it was inevitable.

"Master Killua?" A muffled voice said, followed by a knock that banged against the oaken door on the opposite side of the room that was the main entrance. I jolted my head toward the door in a flurried movement, my heart instantly pumping with fear. 

But thankfully, when I frantically looked back at where Gon was, feeling the wind sway my hair, the lover of mine had vanished from where he once stood and was already outside on the balcony, with the glass doors still opened, letting in intruding blasts.

Or.. were we lovers? What are we? Fuck, now isn't the time to think about it.

The door opened with a slight creak and thankfully Gon had completely disappeared in the dusky night just in time. A butler, peeked their head inside, with multiple text-filled papers that were held in her palms. Her skin was glowy white and her hair was shiny and dark as a raven's feathers, anyone could mistake her for a Zoldyck.

Butler Amane's clear ghosty blue eyes glanced from me to the glass door; and her features quickly grew with suspicion. "What's the door open for, Master Killua?" And for a moment I'd almost froze from the clear distrust she'd shown in her tone of voice.

"I was watching the stars, they're quite beautiful tonight," I spoke out to her; acting casually while pulling off the best innocent face I could muster after Gon was almost just caught. She cocked a brow but then relaxed and nodded in the belief of my false words.

"Your Mother has asked me to drop off these assignments. She expects them done tonight and turned in tomorrow." She informed me and neatly set down the papers on the flat edge of the bed. 

I just nodded as the butler Amane excused herself out the oaken door, and I let out a sigh of relief once it clicked shut, signally she was officially out of the room. I peeked back out the open door that leads outside, and a small smile of relief was brought forth back upon my lips when Gon jumped down onto the balcony from above.

The tension still lingered with sadness from before, but our light smiles uplifted it just a little bit. Gon's eyes though were shining like a thousand stars, like he was awestruck.

"What?" I asked, feeling vague confusion from the sight of the sudden gleam, but still, my heart swelled from the return of his happier self. Even if it was just temporary.

"Want to go stargazing? Your roof has an amazing view." He proposed, his voice low and husky while afterward, he stifled a giggle, and my ears relished the gorgeous sound of his laughter.

But just by the very question did my body and face flush rosy-red. I looked away, feeling excitement crawl all over my skin, making me quiver. "I-isn't it too cold out?" I stumbled out but subconsciously headed toward my dresser anyway while Gon stood in the doorway.

"I can keep you warm." He smirked playfully, and instantly like flowers; buds bloomed with heat inside my entire body, making my skin feel hot and bothered.

I ignored his cute playful response and slipped on a heavy jacket before heading outside with Gon, paying no attention to the assignments on my bed that I had to get done. Once I met him at the doorway, he grinned down at me and walked out with me on the deck before quietly shutting the door behind us.

Gon then jumped up onto the black railing, his feet balancing on the thin steel. His hands grasped the edge of the roof above him and he pulled himself up onto the edge with ease; until his feet stood firmly onto the plates, making it all look so easy.

I gaped at how quickly he managed to climb up, and suddenly felt a little nervous after looking down at the side of the rail, estimating just how far a drop would be. "Gon- no," I mumbled out, feeling timid from the fact I could potentially fall quite a few feet.

Gon sat down at the edge, holding his hands out, indicating that he'd support me. "It's not that hard, I'll help you." He said obviously trying to keep back a laugh from my behavior. Embarrassment rippled across my skin but I rolled my eyes and complied.

Reluctantly, I got up the railing very cautiously like a skittish house cat, despite feeling a little self-conscious. I couldn't bring myself to get up on my feet, so hesitantly I inched forward on my knees, trying to balance myself against the hard blowing chilly wind that swept my bangs off my face, revealing my forehead.

Once I got close enough, Gon slightly leaned down and his warm hands grabbed and pressed under my arms, before pulling me up in a brief movement. I would've let out a shriek if it weren't for the fact that we were in the Zoldyck estate. My knees pushed against the roof's ridge and I pushed myself up and melted into Gon's arms, feeling a light cold sweat on my forehead from the effort.

He let out a small hot breathy laugh that melted into the cool air and hit the bare skin of my neck. "Wasn't so hard, was it?" Gon snickered; his eyes sparkling as he smirked at me.

I smiled up at him and succumbed to my urge of wanting to peck him on the sweet lips. I leaned forward and my mouth lightly brushed against Gon's and his breath audibly hitched. His smirk disappeared and his tanned cheeks in the dark, grew red as I pulled back and stood up, bringing my arms out in an attempt to balance myself. 

Gon silently got up after me, and we trudged up to a higher and more stable part of the roof where we could see the stars more clearly without the branches of the oaks trees that were covering the majority of the speckled dust in the night heaven. My hair whipped around and the wind blew through my jacket, but knowing Gon was close, was just enough to keep sufficient warmth.

When there was finally a suitable spot, I sat down, crossing my legs and hearing the creak of the roof, signally Gon was just about to settle down beside me. He relaxed down, and his thigh brushed against mine, creating butterflies to flutter inside my stomach.

An arm snaked around my waist, and I let out a small gasp once Gon pulled me onto his lap, closer to him. No words escaped my mouth to protest, and instead, I just nuzzled into the fabric of his dark green hoodie, getting the whiff of his cinnamon scent.

"Look, Killua. I told you it's a good view." Gon hummed and I turned my head to look up at the night sky, with my cheek still pressed against the fabric of his hoodie. 

Billions of shimmering stars shown brightly into the night, and it reminded me of Alluka's paintings and the snow-flakes in Winter. Except unlike snow, they appeared still, like they were in one of those old photographs that were hung in the hallways inside the mansion. Many colors shone into the sky, the canvas was a navy blue with hues of pink, purple, and teal that dusted over it. And the moon was illuminating Gon's face full of astonishment, but if I was being honest, my face probably looked awestruck as well.

"It is, I wish I could've shown you the night sky, that day on the cliff," I whispered in awe, my eyes trailed from the stars and back to Gon's face. My eyes began to feel wet and glossy, but the small smile didn't falter in the slightest.

Gon peered down at me, and tilted his head; the particular habit that I'd never forget. "Why're you crying?" He asked softly, as a gentle thumb skimmed the rim of my eye. 

"It really feels surreal to be here with you, even with all the shitty things that have happened these past weeks," I answered him honestly despite opposing him from coming back. I felt the tears slowly pool up and overflow, casting drops to run down my flushed red cheeks.

He bent down and softly peppered my face in soft kisses like he was trying to rid of the water that ran along my face. My body bloomed with heat, and Gon briefly put his mouth on mine, and I could vaguely taste the salty tang of my tears on his lips.

The kiss was short-lived and Gon pulled away, looking down at me with those gleaming irises that shown so much affection my heart burst. It all temporarily made me forgot all the musing worries that were on my mind. All the trauma that I'd endured just hours earlier. 

But amongst the silence, and looking up at those beautiful honey-brown eyes of his, I felt the sudden urge to spill out my frustration to the boy I loved who was just holding me in his arms.

I swallowed harshly, feeling my disturbances come back to me. "Gon?"

"Yes, Killua?"

"I-.. I don't want to ruin this moment.. but I really want to tell you some things.." I softly and tentatively admit, slightly wincing from the stutter in my voice. My cheek pressed harder against his firm chest and thick sweater, in hopes of hiding the embarrassing glossy wet shine on my cheeks from the tears.

Gon attentively looked down at me, indicating that he was open to listening. "You can tell me anything, did something happen?" He asked quietly, his face now painted with seriousness.

Slowly, I began to collect every ounce of courage in my heart, to bring up just a few words that could possibly make Gon snap. It laid heavy on my chest, and it couldn't be left ignored.

"My parents demand that I..." I squeezed my eyes shut, and my voice grew smaller and quieter, "that I marry this girl." I rustled out and it quickly grew silent, save for the blowing of wind on the oak tree leaves and the low humming of crickets in the background. 

My face hid into the material of Gon's sweater, and I could feel the quick rapid thumps of his heartbeat slam wildly against his ribcage, causing guilt to swamp over me.

After mere seconds felt like an eternity, Gon finally shifted, his hands slid up my arms and body to cup my cheeks and lift my face to look at his. I hesitantly flickered my eyes open, blinking against a few stray drops of water that were left on my lashes.

My breath hitched and my jaw dropped, upon gazing at Gon whose orbs gleamed shiny, and soon did I realize, I wasn't the only one with tears in my eyes.

"Runaway with me." He whispered.

The words stunned me, and then they drifted off along with the icy flurry.

The tang of desperation in his voice sent many biting chills to nip and slide down my spine. My eyes grew wetter by the second and soon enough I squeezed my eyes shut once again, unable to look at the blinding sorrowful light in Gon's eyes, that was filled with tragic determination and hope.

Could it really be that easy? 

"I've been trying to think of a plan to escape forever with my younger sister, but they'll never give up on finding us." I sobbed out, my voice wavering in anxiety, frustration, and a billion other emotions I couldn't comprehend.

Gon's warm hands caressed my cheeks soothingly, as he sniffled and held back his own tears. "Your younger sister? You've never talked about her before," He murmured pensively, and I realized I really hadn't. That night on the cliff, I would've mentioned her for sure. But I couldn't remember her and now I was back to the remaining question of...

How? How did I forget?

"She's been locked below the mansion for years, I want her to live a better life." I susurrate, sparing the details that I'd forgotten her. The guilt was too much, and I was too afraid to mention it. 

Gon leaned forward and rested his head onto the soft feathery white hairs on my head, nuzzling into the strands with tenderness. The voice that came out, was full of delicacy. "Then let's leave and be on the run as soon as possible. We can get your family locked up in prison eventually. Do you want her to stay below the mansion any longer?"

I froze like I was physically paralyzed. Maybe it didn't matter about getting the perfect plan in shape, I should've just left with Alluka as soon as I could and dealt with the consequences later.

"No.." My composure regained and I whispered slowly, trailing off my words and letting the breath wash over Gon's neck, watching his adam apple and skin slightly shiver.

Gon hummed in reply, his fingers slightly tickling my neck as he twirled with some silver clumps of hair around the nape. In the tender moment, I couldn't help but wonder why Gon wanted to run away with me. Was Aunt Mito that harsh on him? He has so much to look forward to in life, and I'd be ruining it if he was to join me and Alluka. 

We'd constantly be on the run from my parents and Illumi, so he couldn't play basketball. 

My heart broke in half at the thought, so grimly, I mumbled, "What about your dreams, Gon? You want to play ball in college, don't you? You can't if you want me to run away with you." 

"It's true, I 'did.' But I'm also fond of writing, and I wouldn't mind getting a career from it. And living a life with you feels more important to me." Gon confidently spoke, the grimness was replaced with determination. He said it without skipping a beat, and my body flushed in warmth from just his last sentence. 

Though doubt continued to consume me whole. Gon hasn't loved me for long, how can he be so confident? So accepting to do what I want? "What about Aunt Mito, and your friends? Why sacrifice so much for me." I asked him, and his face tucked down, nuzzling between my hair to peck my forehead. 

"Because you're the light in my life." He murmured and grinned against my skin. But when I didn't respond, it quickly faded and he tentatively asked, "Was that corny...?"

I let out a delicate genuine laugh and responded with honesty, "Very." 

Gon pouted and I raised my hand and curled it around the nape of his neck, nosing into the slant of his cheekbones that illuminated from the moonlight's glow.

"But you're the light in mine as well," I added softly, and the genuine curl on the corners of his mouth returned, as he let out an affectionate laugh from my own corniness.

Despite how cringy it was, the words made me content and relaxed with barely a little trace of doubt. I felt better, even in these darker times. It felt like all the whips were worth it just so I could hear the appreciative words slide off his tongue tonight.

I turned around and sunk back into his lap, enjoying the comforting strokes of his calloused warm hands that entangled themselves into my hair and brushed away any knot that might've formed from the boundless wind.

"It's not like we'll never see them again- y'know.." Gon suddenly added in, breaking the mere quietness just to reassure me some more. And gradually by every word was my confidence slowly arising, that maybe it all won't be fruitless or futile if I have Gon with me.

"You're right.." I murmured and glanced up at him.

Gon wiped his eye with his knuckle and flashed a blinding light hopeful grin. "So will you? How about tomorrow night." He insisted.

I froze from how last minute it seemed, but seeing the determination in Gon's orbs, kindled courage within me.

So eagerly,

I nodded.


	19. Gotoh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Kinda boring for me to write this chap, I love writing chapters that solely involve Gon lmfaoo. But it felt crucial anyway. One last chapter left >:) )

The early sun in the morning slowly arises, and my eyes drooped in a sleepy manner for staying up one too many hours. To my surprise, however, looking outside there were billions of little icy white dust that floated weightlessly downward from the blank white sky above. And gradually over time, those intricate specks of snow began to coat the streets, making it look like an unfinished painting. The morning light struggled through the murky clouds, too weak to blind my sensitive eyes in the morning like it usually did earlier these months, but it really was a wonder. It's not very common that it gets cold enough to snow in California.

I sighed, letting the warmth of Gon's sweater and the heater soak into my skin as my hand wrote in an effortless, slow, and sloppy motion. Before Gon left, he gave me the cinnamon-scented hoodie of his, and when I refused because of the cold, he still kept insisting so I couldn't decline.

The pen dragged along the paper, I'd finally got to work onto the assignment that my parents insisted I'd get done last night, but I could barely comprehend what it even was about because of the lack of sleep and earliness in the dawn. But I suppose that's not the only thing distracting me.

I was too busy watching the stars with Gon to do the work. I can still feel the warmth, scent, and exact motion of his hands which caressed my skin under the starlight. I paused from my work and heat flooded my cheeks at the memory. 

Though the motions were sweet and forever lingering in my head, a more constant reminder was those sweet whispy words that slid off of Gon's tongue, giving me a sense of hope every minute of the morning. 'Runaway with me.' It billowed me with excitement, fear, and a few other emotions I couldn't interpret, but under the seemingly calm and tired Killua sitting on the bed and writing on some paper, my emotions were a wild mess inside.

Tonight.

Tonight he said. 

I'd made the decision to just be on the run with Gon and Alluka because as far as I know, it could be months to come up with a long-term solution that was efficient and wasn't going to get the cops after us as well. I can't wait around and get betrothed to Neon Nostrade or let Alluka remain in the same room any longer because as each minute passes by, it pains me to think of how every day her hope is probably slightly diminishing. 

But Gon and I did some planning last night, as he held me under those glimmering lamps called stars.

...

"I'll steal a good amount of money so we can provide ourselves for a bunch of months," I tell Gon while melting into his warm olive-toned skin that carried the sun within, while dissolved like creamy butter on Aunt Mito's soft banana bread that I can still taste on my very tongue.

It shouldn't be so hard to find the money, the last time I stole from them was from years ago, and they're so loaded that I'm so sure they didn't even notice the lack of funds that I withdrew before making my escape. The last time it was located in a smaller library that was next to their room, which I wasn't allowed in that part of the mansion unless either of my parents insisted on seeing me for something important. 

It was inside a safe that was bolted into the wall which could easily be open with just some lock picking skills and some thin tools, especially since it was just an ordinary padlock. Guess they're keener on hiding it instead of securing it, which is understandable because what servant would dare to steal from the Zoldycks anyway? Only one with a death wish of course.

Gon's eyes widened under the light of the moon, making them look like two big circular honeycombs. "We can't do that, can we? They'll be pissed. And what about the police?" 

The reply made me let out a soft snort, "I'm already escaping, they can't get any more pissed after that, and we don't have to worry about the policemen." I tell him, looking up at those amber eyes that looked sweet and sugary just like his lips. 

"What do you mean?" Gon asked tentatively, tilting his head as his hand brushed back and forth on my shoulder. Even with the layer of the jacket, I had on, my skin felt like it was burning from affection.

I bit my lip and looked down; focusing my eyes on the creases of Gon's clothing. "My family wouldn't ever team up with them to find us. The Zoldyck family is capable by themselves, and like getting their hands dirty."

Oh yes, stealing cash from my family is very illegal, but thankfully.. or not, the Zoldyck household doesn't ask for help from the police. They can keep a few pigs quiet, but if they get too involved they're bound to find something out and will have to take action. Plus, my parent's and Illumis methods are... very different from those of the cops.

But I don't want to think about what'd happen if my parents caught us. Though, was it selfish of me to let Gon come with me? 

Who am I kidding, of course it was.

"So, I'll pick you up tomorrow, be ready at any time once night hits, I don't know when I'll exactly be there," I instructed Gon, who brought his hand up to gently grab my chin, eliciting a rosy blush on my cheeks.

Gon peered down toward me with a slight frown while stroking my chin. "I want to help you here.." he trailed off.

"No," I say, immediately shooting him down and adjusting my head away from the skin of his fingers. 

He opened his mouth to protest, "Killu-" 

"If you do, that just brings even more risk upon yourself," I mumbled and looked away from him, lowering my voice and feeling incredibly anxious at the thought of us getting caught. It made my stomach squirm in uneasiness. But alas, I was too selfish to call it off.

Gon picked up the hint of desperation and concern in my voice, so he didn't attempt to continue to prod. I settled back into his lap with a deep sigh, contemplating all that would possibly go down tomorrow night. What could go right, and what could go awry.

I laid there, feeling Gon's warmth, and the weight of him shift beneath me as he leaned his down, his lip slightly grazing against the edge of my ear. "I love you, Killua." He murmured and pecked my temple which caused all worries to vanish instantly.

"I love you too, Gon," I reply back at him shyly, as well as a slight smile drove with charming embarrassment.

...

I hummed at the recap, before setting down the paper on the edge of the soft bed and shedding off the dark green sweater just incase a loyal butler or family member would see it and grow suspicious. I folded it with great care before setting beneath the bed, where no one would find it at first glance.

A knock at the door caused me to jolt upright and grab the assignment in a hurry to look like I was doing something productive. "Master Killua?" A familiar voice called and I let out a sigh in relief once I realized it was Gotoh's.

"Come in," I called out and got up from the mattress to bend down and grab a velvety scarlet pillow that fell down, before tossing it back on the bed as the door creaked open. 

Gotoh stepped inside, his hands neatly at his side as he informed me. "Master Killua, your mother and father want to see you right now." He says, and dread crept within my guts. It must be about yesterday when I didn't kill the woman as they wanted. 

"Okay." I casually say aloud but my throat painfully tightened in trepidation for what may come soon, and my hands began to slightly quiver. Gotoh just formally nodded and turned toward the door to leave. 

Something inside me clicked and before the black-haired butler could walk back out the oaken doors, I reluctantly asked out for confirmation, "Gotoh, are you on my side?" My voice grew smaller toward the end of the question and the butler visibly stiffened upon hearing my words. 

I needed my phone back, so my family couldn't go through my contacts, and so I could keep in touch with Ikalgo and everybody else. Gotoh must know where it is.

After a long moment, he turned back around to face me and replied with genuine honesty. "I am. Why do you ask, Master Killua?" I bit my lip and relished the weight that'd been lifted off my shoulders.

"I want to escape," I confessed to him quietly, even despite being alone I felt paranoid and afraid that anyone else could hear the words other than Gotoh, whose facial expressions grew wide with surprise.

Gotoh remained silent, and I clenched my jaw tight, and it was a miracle that it didn't shatter my teeth. Hesitantly I continued because I trusted him. He was like a father figure to me, who had to stay within the mansion because once you signed up to be a Zoldyck butler, you couldn't resign unless you died. "I... I want to tonight and- I was wondering if you could leave my phone in my room before night." I stumbled my words out of anxiety.

And before Gotoh could speak, I hastily said in hopes of confirming myself to convince him, "You could tell my parents I stole it back, and they won't punish you for thinking you helped me." My hands made their way to the seam of my shirt and I clutched it nervously. Gotoh wouldn't rat me out, but still, talking about this with someone other than Gon did make me feel uneasy.

"If you insist, Master Killua," Gotoh said, his tone plain and formal, but a relieved brittle smile was plastered on his ghostly lips, causing the tension to immediately uplift into one a little more lighthearted.

"I must go now, I really advise you to go see your parents before they get angry," Gotoh spoke and I nodded in understanding as he began to excuse himself out the door. Once the door clicked shut, I hurried toward the dresser and slipped on a new shirt and pants to replace the ones I slept in overnight.

I'd just worn a thin collared white shirt, with the sleeves rolled up to my elbows, revealing my forearms which had a small bit of bulk in them from training. And my pants were just a pair of loose jeans that didn't have a single rip, otherwise knowing Mother, she'd be highly irritated.

Not that it was the most of my worries though.

I quickly grabbed some thin long hairpins from the bathroom, a reasonably sized jacket, and then on my way out, I snatched the screwdriver that was used and accidentally left behind by one of the butlers yesterday. 

This could have some use, how convenient.

...

I took a deep breath before the tall dark oaken double doors and exhaled as my grip tightened around the tools inside my hand. I bent down and slightly lifted up the red rug to stuff the screwdriver and hairpins under it, causing a bend in the fabric but it was good enough to go unnoticed at first glance.

There's a sense of dread that fills me. It sat itself comfortably at the pit of his stomach from the moment I latched onto the arm of the door, twisting it with a click and then gradually opening it, allowing it to swing clear. Silva sat on a pillowy blue cushion at the other end of the room, those piercing dark blue animalistic orbs met mine, and there wasn't a shred of softness within them that could be read. 

My eyes scoured around the room which glowed blue and illuminated Silva's high cheekbones. It was a huge color contrast compared to the red and gold that wore itself on the walls in the rest of the mansion, and it really brought out the dragon paintings which unfurled all along the walls.

"Hello, Father, I was informed you and Mother needed to see me?" I say to him casually; trying my best to not let my voice waver in front of the head Zoldyck. I glanced around the room to find that my father was alone, and without thinking, I questioned, "Where's Mother?" 

I bit down hard on my own tongue in means of punishing myself, and slightly did I taste the faint sense of copper. My hand twitched as I was wanting to facepalm myself for speaking out without thought.

"She's doing work." Father blatantly stated, his voice deep and masculine with barely a trace of emotion. 

My mouth shut tight with pursed lips as I observed around some more, attempting to not make it very obvious, as I was looking for a certain something; like keys for the many cars that were located in the garage. Something shin and steel flashed, and my observant cerulean eyes flickered to see multiple key rings on a hook, all were split up and organized for their own uses and purposes. 

Mentally, I noted the sight to myself.

"Illumi notified me that you didn't do what we asked of you, yesterday." Silva's eyes grew more intimidating and I felt my skin crawl just being under his sight. Reluctantly, I nodded my head in confirmation; too scared to speak and my father let out a deep heavy restless sigh. 

"I'm not ready." I gulped down harshly and the skin over Silva's eyes narrowed; emitting a harsh glare that made me long to look away.

He stood up from the cushion revealing his ridiculous height that loomed over me, who was quite tall as well. "You mean to tell me, you have had over three years and you're still not ready?" Silva snarled and I apprehensively averted my eyes, bracing myself for another hit that'd possibly sting worst than any injury I've gotten from Illumi.

The blemishes from yesterday still ached and with some sleep, they recovered a little though I feared that I was going to be punished yet again. But I needed a break.

Or a break that'd last forever.

Yet no painful strike came.

"Illumi already hit you around, yes?" Silva grumbled bitterly, as he searched around the edges of my shirt which had slight injuries peeking out. I slowly nodded again, terrified that my tongue would break.

Father settled back down on the cushion and his head was turned away as if I was too disappointing to look at. He closed his eyes and brought forth a hand to shoo me away as his anger died down to that of irritation. "You better be prepared tomorrow. You've had enough time to ready yourself. If this happens again I won't let it go so easily. You're dismissed."

I politely nodded, shutting my mouth with pursed lips; turning on my heels, and exiting out the door. Once the door shut behind me, a breath I hadn't even realized I'd been holding in, exhaled out with fast raggedy pants from the lack of air.

When my breath caught up and returned to being slow and steady, I carded a hand through my white locks and bent down to pick up the screwdriver and pins beneath the crimson rug. Once the items were safely secured into the waistband of my pants, I wandered down the hall, and opened the next door slowly, before peeking my head inside to make sure no one was inside. 

The library room was just lavishly decorated with furniture, bookshelves, and a bunch of other excessive things that we already owned in other rooms, but immediately my eyes shot straight toward the specific bookshelf that hid the safe behind it.

I looked back each way of the corridors before entering inside and quietly shutting the door behind me. Sweat shone over my forehead from the nervousness I was feeling, as I cautiously stepped across the library room that I wasn't necessarily allowed in.

I avoided a coffee table and lounge area before slipping up next to the large study frame of the shelf, and gradually built up momentum to push the heavy oak frame out of the way. The spot was for sure secluded, and I barely remember how I found the stash as a child. Suppose while I was young and innocent, this place sparked interest within me so without anyone knowing I'd check out the books.

The bookshelf scooted aside and once I noticed the edge of the gray steel safe that caved into the wall, I let a sigh of relief because it was still there after all this time. 

So they really didn't notice, but surely this time it would be unmissable. Back then, I barely had a clue of how much money I needed for the outside world on my own, so I didn't take as much as I would've liked to now. 

I wouldn't make that mistake again though.

The shelf was successfully pushed off to the side, revealing a silver and gold padlock that restricted access to the cash. I squatted down and clutched the tools at my side, bringing the thin pin to my mouth to bite on the bendable steel, converting it to have a jagged pattern along with the coppery material. The metal taste on my tongue and ache in my jaw from biting down made me cringe, but despite that, I gnawed until the shape was appropriate. 

I held a bent pin in each hand and then poked inside the hole of the padlock, adjusting around with skillful fingers as I wasn't really new to things like this since it'd all been apart of my training. Nostalgic memories seeped in my mind in remembrance of sneaking with Gon, the thrill back then was fun, but the objective as of today was crucially much more important than a silly old school history book. Seriousness was all that painted my face along with a side of distress, that someone could potentially walk in at any given time and catch me red-handed.

After a few minutes of twisting the pins around, a pleasing click registered through my ears, and quickly I grabbed the thin screwdriver, pushing it in the hole along with the pins before satisfyingly twisting the lock open. 

The padlock slipped off the safe, dropping onto the floor with a clang and the steel door swung open, revealing the damn thing to be nearly packed. This wasn't nearly all the amount my family made as well, I could imagine they kept loads at other estates and properties they owned throughout the states. 

I grabbed many straps and stacks of hundred dollar bills, before tightly stuffing them into the waistband of my pants and pockets. When not much more could fit, I swung the safe door back shut again and locked it, all before pushing the bookshelf back in place. I pulled the jacket around my waist, tying it firmly while cautious to not let any of the cash slip from under the seams of my pants.

The jacket hid many of the bumps in my clothing that had been stuffed, but it still looked somewhat suspicious, so deep down I prayed that I wouldn't run into anyone in the vast corridors. 

I opened the door out of the library and peeked my head out, looking both ways to find that there was nobody there, so a cautious foot stepped out, followed by the rest of my body before turning around to quietly shut the door.

When I turned the corner, my breath hitched as down the last hall toward my room, a butler was walking my way from the other end. As we grew closer toward each other, I gave the butler a harsh cold glare so they'd avert their eyes and wouldn't inspect over my frame and find anything suspicious to report back to my parents. 

The servant visibly sweated as I intimidating glared at them before they passed by, and once they did I skidded toward my room door in a rush, instantly barging in.

A gust of breath escaped my lips once the door clicked shut behind me, and immediately I rushed toward the side of the bed, pulling out the bands from my waist to temporarily hide it under the mattress, along with Gon's sweater. All that was left now was to wait for night time which was way later. I had to wait before I could even attempt to steal the keys and get Alluka from this damned place.

~*~

I tapped my pencil repeatedly against the paper on the hard dark cherry brown desktop. Bundles of mixed uneasy emotions swamped my mind, constantly haunting my every move with caution as with my other hand I anxiously chewed the skin around my nails, making it bleed and stain my porcelain flesh like it were wine.

My ankles squeezed up against my thighs and my feet rested upon the edge of the chair cushion that supported the rump. I hummed down at my paper, in hopes of clearing my nerves away but it turned out to be fruitless.

"Master Killua, may I come in?" A voice called out and slowly I jerked my chair to turn toward the oak doors. 

I adjusted into a more appropriate position on my chair, letting my legs swing down to hit the floor as I called out toward the muffled voice on the other side of the door that belonged to Gotoh's. "Yeah, you can come in."

"Hello, Gotoh." I greet the formally dressed man who let himself inside. The red jewel-encrusted into his uniform twinkled all shiny as he entered under the glow of the warm lights of my room.

The man had his hands behind his back as he inched closer with every step. I looked up at him as he stopped right before my chair and moved his hands out from behind himself to reveal my old phone in his fingers. "Here, I've got it for you." He said with a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

I set my pencil down and took it from his hands with a genuine smile plastered on my features, "Thank you, Gotoh." I sighed at the phone in my hands, adjusting it around to look it over and inspect it. 

"When are you leaving tonight?" Gotoh asked before me as his hands returned behind the frame of his body dressed in the dark luscious quality fabric. My eyes instantly slid toward the old-fashioned clock that rested upon the corner of the desk.

It read around 9:03 PM and with each minute that increased, my nervousness gradually began to kick up. Every segment of time left me more paranoid. So far everything went smoothly, thankfully, but I still had to get Alluka out as well as sneak and steal the keys that hung from the hook in my parent's chambers. 

"Probably an hour from now," I tell him, setting down my phone under a study book which didn't even matter at this point. My parents were always asleep around ten, so if I'm quiet enough, getting the keys shouldn't be a problem.

I licked my lips at the silence in the room and eventually turned back to the butler after a particularly familiar feeling of gloom seeped into my heart. "Gotoh?"

"Yes, Master Killua?" He asked while pushing up his thin golden glasses firmly up the bridge of his nose.

I sighed deep and heavy before murmuring, "I'll miss you. You know you're the only parent figure I have here." 

Maybe Zeno was an exception, but who was it who tended my wounds as I grew up, and who was it that stopped by the room to check up on me in the mornings every day? It was Gotoh, and we were there for each other after Canary was punished.

It took a good moment for me to realize that water; or more specifically, tears slipped from the rims of the butler's globes, and he quickly pulled out a handkerchief to dry down the inner corners of his sunken eyes. He mumbled a quick 'sorry' under his breath before unexpectantly pulling me into a gentle fatherly hug.

"I'll miss you too, you're like a son to me. But I feel better knowing you'll be so much happier out there, again." Gotoh weakly smiled and pulled away before reluctantly patting the top of my head. 

The outer corner of my lips curled from the embrace but soon was it short-lived when a question quirked my curiosity. "Do you like working here?" I ask him.

The smile he had on disappeared and dissipated to that of a low rustle. "If I had the choice to, a long time ago I would've resigned." His lips pursed into a form line. My eyes furrowed in a pinch from those words, and once again I felt guilt-stricken. Gotoh deserves freedom too, he's been here for so much longer than I have.

"Come with me then."

The butler froze at my words, but after a few seconds, his shoulder slumped and he shook his head in a firm no. "I can't, I have too many friends here I can't leave behind." He told me, and I bit my lip in guilty frustration. 

'Then let's leave and be on the run as soon as possible. We can get your family locked up in prison eventually.' Gon's words last night rang into my head, rekindling hope that slowly whittled down throughout the hours. 

"I'll get my family in prison one day, and you will all be free again. I promise." I confidently tell the butler, whose smile came back as he clutched his hands together in front of him.

"I'll be waiting. The other employees will appreciate it too," Gotoh politely spoke, his voice barely above a whisper, and I looked back down at my paper full of the inked font. But I read nothing, as I focused on the determination that Gon seemed to always have. I want to be more like him, especially at times like this.

Maybe I already did learn more from him. I used to be pretty pessimistic afterall.

Gotoh turned on his heel and looked back over his shoulder at me while he held his hands together behind his back. "I'll be heading back to the butler's chambers. Whatever you do, don't get caught. I mean it."

He gave me a grin to wave me off goodbye and I gladly returned it. "I won't, I promise. I've learned since last time." 

I hope.

Gotoh began to exit outside the exit door of my room, and as his hands reached out for hte knob to swing it open, Gotoh murmured, "Goodbye, Master Killua. I wish you good luck." 

"Thank you again, Gotoh. Goodbye," I whispered-yelled out to him before the door could close shut.

I stole a quick glance back at the clock, and let out a deep sigh before getting up from the chair's cushion. My feet made their way toward under the bed, and I pulled out Gon's sweater to put it on, as well as a duffel bag from the closet. Hastily, I stuffed all the cash inside the black bag, my legs feeling numb and jelly-like from the nervousness that came back to me.

It's almost time to start preparing to leave

~*~

My hand reached for the knob on the door that leads into the vast chambers of my parent's rooms. Very slowly, did I turn the gold handle that glimmered in the dim dark lights of the mansion, which slowly faded as the hours grew late.

I cringed as the door creaked, disrupting the quiet dark atmosphere inside. A wave of the heater billowed out from the room and cast a huge wave of heat to tingle my skin, a lively contrast compared to the chilly cold corridors with vast crimson walls.

I peaked my head inside, and on the bed, the blankets were full and still from the sleeping masses of my parents. I sucked in a deep breath before inviting the rest of myself inside the room, very cautiously tip-toeing toward the hook-filled with keys that I had spotted earlier. 

My foot skimmed across the rug and accidentally smacked into the leg of a smallish table beneath the hook, causing a thump that was loud in the quietness of the night. My blood and body froze, as the heap beneath the blankets, shifted from the sudden noise. 

I squeezed my eyes shut, and let a hand cup over my mouth the stop the heavy breathing that emitted from the fear of getting caught. But minutes passed by, and there was no more movement within the blankets, signally that no one was awake. So enough courage crawled inside my stomach and up into my loosening throat, as I shifted my eyes back to the keys that hung from the hook.

There were many for cars, as Silva had a fascination with collecting vehicles. One of the thick keys caught my eye, and I unhooked it, careful to not jingle the others and create unnecessary noise. It belonged to his only luxurious convertible, though it was less flashy compared to his many other sports cars. Not that it mattered. Since the last time I escaped, expensive things didn't mean shit to me anymore.

My breath felt loud in the dark quietness, causing me to nervously flinch. Once the key was firmly grasped in my hand, I cautiously slipped back out the door, quietly shutting the door behind me before stuffing the car keys in the pocket of my pants. Then, I picked up the duffel bag that I left outside the room and swung it around my broad shoulders.

I exhaled out and then shortly after, I skidded down the halls with eerily quiet footsteps that I learned from past training. I made my way toward the door that lead down to the basement, feeling extremely grateful to not have run into a single soul. Most of the butlers went to their rooms during the night, but one or two out of the many had shifts to patrol the halls at night.

I opened the door, the wood creaked with a heavy moan, and I skipped down the stairs, ignoring the unpleasant air as it grew fouler by every step that descended. Excitement and fear pricked my skin, as I was eager to lay my sights on Alluka again, and get her away from this damned place once and for all. I'm keen on keeping the promise I made the last time I'd seen her.

The door at the bottom of the steps burst open and I was immediately greeted with the main basement room where Illumi would usually have me tied up as he'd lash a strike every few seconds in means of punishment. It was practically pitch black, save for the faint dim lamplight that allowed me eyes to adjust through the blank obscurity.

I continued down a corridor where Milluki and I worked together on the first few days I returned home. My feet swiftly carried me past and directed me toward the room on the sharp right where the air smelt stagnant and was covered with sawdust and plywood. 

When I halted to a stop inside the room, my breath was noted as raggedy and slightly worn out from running so long. It was still a whole mess since the last time I entered inside. I pushed aside the desk that stood on top of the plywood where the latch laid beneath. I built up all my momentum before moving it with a quick jerk, paying no mind to the table's legs screeching across the waxy, dusty, floor. I was already beneath the mansion, no one would be able to hear the noise anyway. 

I grasped onto the sheet of wood, my nails digging hard into the splintery wood without care toward the prickly sensation. I pulled it up off the trapdoor, before leaning it against the wall, extremely eager to get down there and rescue Alluka

My hand latched onto the handle, clasping it until it clicked, before slamming the trapdoor aside, cringing from the eerie split creak. I hurdled down the ladder, skipping every step before racing through the monochrome drabby hallways that lead nowhere but toward the door to which Alluka waited behind. Where she waited behind for several years.

The door barged open, revealing the bright colorful blue room, and most importantly, the silhouette of my sister, under the dim lights where she sat in the center of the room as if she never moved. Alluka, in her pink garments, turned her head toward me with wide eyes fueled with surprise. I caught my breath, and a weak smile plastered on my face from seeing her face again.

"Let's go see the ocean now, Alluka," I announced.

when the realization suddenly hit her like a brick, her eyes immediately sparkled and she scrambled up off the floor, her black braids pinned with pink beads, swayed as she ran toward me with open arms. My eyes felt wet as she collided with my body, and I sheathed my arms around her, before nuzzling my face into her black locks that felt silky against my cheek.

"I thought you left me again, Big brother!" She sniffled, looking up at me with glossy ice eyes, and the rims just slowly started to become tinted pink. My heart split so I pat her head with one hand while the other was still clung around her. I rubbed her head in comforting motions, in hopes of getting those tears to vanish from her dolly face.

I whispered into the dark charcoal colored strands of her hair. "I'm here now, It's okay. I won't leave you ever again." I soothed, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"We have to hurry out, Alluka. We can't stay here any longer." I tell her, biting my lip to spare details that were too overwhelming for her naive mind. She nodded in understanding before pulling away from the shelter of my arms. 

I grabbed onto her hand gently and lead her out of the room, neither of us looking back at the intoxicated blue walls that were her room. 

Alluka hesitant climbed up the steps and crawled out of the trap door. Her knees crept over the dusty floor and coated her skin with a little bit of dirt. I got up after her, and stood up, wiping the dust off myself before latching onto Alluka's hand again to pull her up on her feet.

"Big Brother, where are we?" She asks, and my head jolted back to her, eyes widening with my mind short-circuiting for more than a couple of seconds, until realizing that she really hadn't had a clue.

My feet didn't stop moving. "It doesn't matter where we are right now. We won't be coming back ever again." I tell her.

We walked down the corridor toward the door that lead up the stairs back up into the main room. But I was slower this time, because of Alluka's feeble legs that had barely gotten much strength from being isolated for so long.

When I glanced back at her, her nose scrunched up from either the smell or my reply but excitedly did she take in the sight of the basement around us, her eyes shining from seeing something new that was different. It was sickening to say the least, the fact she was so thrilled to see something as bland as a different part of the basement.

When we met the door, I helped her up as we trudged up the stairs, the stink was now just behind us. When we exited from the basement, I took a sharp left toward the direction of the garage door, but suddenly as my eyes caught onto a familiar lanky silhouette in the end of the hallway, my feet halted to an abrupt stop. Eyes, darker than the pits down to hell, were intimidatingly staring without a blink.

"Where are you going, Killu?" Illumi asked, his voice sly, cunning as it sent biting cold shocks called chills to run along the dip of my spine. My blood immediately froze, and because his eyes laid onto Alluka, I already knew that he knew, and nothing I'd say would ever tell him otherwise.

The hum of his deep cunning voice rattled in my ribcage here my heart remained thoroughly shocked and unresponsive. But my stance dropped low and cautious once Alluka called out, her voice innocently giddy and excited from seeing our eldest brother. 

"Illumi!" She said with a smile.

My heart dropped from the naivety of her words, so I clutched onto Alluka's hand tightly and protectively. She was about to step forward but halted in her tracks from the tight squeeze of my fingers, and looked up with me with obvious confusion within those childish crystal clear eyes, that reminded me of icicles.

"Yes, come to me Alluka, I've missed you." Illumi lowly hissed out, his eyes growing dark with clear violent intentions behind the menacing aura and bloodlust that leaked out of him.

Alluka tugged on my hand in resistance, but I pulled it back firmly, my eyes never leaving the figure of my elder brother, as sweat began to trickle down my forehead. My throat began to tighten with even more fear as if a python had me in it's constricting grasp.

"D-don't come any closer. Let us leave, Illumi." I yelled out at him, trying my best to intimidate him but failed as my voice wavered with dread. When Illumi grew more confident and took a step forward, my hand slowly moved into the back pocket of my jeans, and lightly grasped onto the object that was a blade.

He didn't comply at all, as he slowly continued to take steps forward from the opposite end of the hall, but he was slow, approaching me as if I were a wild animal. He was in the way of exit, and sweat trickled down my forehead, as well the nape of my neck which was already absolutely drenched.

My heart slammed against my chest, and I took a deep breath to help relax myself, my eyes never leaving Illumi's as I felt the blade around my fingers.

Fuck. Illumi's much tougher than I am. Don't tell me I'm going to fail now? 

And then, like a venomous snake, my brother coiled back before lurching forward toward Alluka, his actions laced with clear killing intent. 

My eyes widened and I gripped down on the handle of the blade in my pocket, unsheathing it to lash at Illumi, but I couldn't before another sudden figure slipped in front of us. 

My hands halted to a stop and I took in the sight of the second man in front of us, recognizing it to be the one and only Gotoh. He had a hand on Illumi's wrist which was holding the blade and temporarily stopped it before looking over his shoulder, back at me and Alluka, sweat forming along with the temples of his forehead. 

My eyes widened in astonishment, and I sputtered out, "G-Gotoh?" 

The darkly dressed butler staggered and struggled against the strength of Illumi, holding the blade back as he grits down on his teeth hard before yelling at us. "Run!"

A billion new emotions swamped my heart, mind, and soul, and realization barely began to kick in. "You idiot, they'll kill you now!" I yelled back, my voice breaking as I still had my hand on Alluka. I couldn't even look down at her, too afraid to see what she'd made of this.

"GO!" Gotoh snarled, and it took me a brief moment before my legs could even obey. Once consciousness hit me, I lead Alluka; running down past Illumi and Gotoh who fought each other.

No, no, no. Not you Gotoh. Not you too.

My mind raced and whirled in an emotional flurry, but I tried to keep it down in the heat of the moment as the door toward the garage came into view. I could hear Alluka's ragged exhausted pants behind me, she was slowing down but my grasp didn't loosen as I bolted out the door.

Shock filled the very core of my veins and heart when a deep scream from Gotoh inside, abruptly shut-off before the door slammed shut. Dread rattled my very bones, and I squeezed my eyes shut, tears uncontrollably spilling out as I fumbled around my pocket for the car keys.

Once I pulled out the car's key, I slammed the button that opened the garage door, before grabbing Alluka's hand again and then racing down the line of cars. Once the red-painted open convertible came up, I threw the duffel bag in the backseat before jumping into the driver's seat.

My hands tried to work with the keys to put it inside the hole, but my vision was too blurry with tears and my hands worked too shaky. My lungs felt overflowed with sharp cold water as my ears registered the sound of the garage door opening.

I jolted up to see Illumi at the doorway, his hands painted with scarlet blood that made me sick to the stomach, and confirmed that Gotoh was likely to be dead. He sprinted toward me in a flurry and I choked out in fear. Finally, the key clicked in, so aggressively, I turned it inside the keyhole before slamming down on the accelerator of the car.

The car sped out of the garage, and onto the lightly snow-covered road. The chilly wintry air blasted in my face, turning my sweat to be colder than ice. In the rear of the car mirror, Illumi just staggered at the entrance of the garage, shouting a string of curses over and over. 

The Zoldyck gate game closer, and in the dark, I could distinguish it to be open. My watery eyes flickered toward an outline near the side of the entrance, and once the car got closer it turned out to be a friend of Gotoh's who had a smile plastered on his face.

I tightly grabbed the handle of the driving wheel and tucked down my head in shame for leaving Gotoh behind. Even more, tears slid down my rosy red cheeks.

I drove out of the Zoldyck's property and sped down the long road, headed straight toward Gon's house. I finally stole a glance at Alluka, who looked at the snow in the shimmery lightness of the stars, her face literally awe-struck.

Grief weighed my heart heavily down and clearly shone on my face. Alluka grabbed my hand after sensing the gloomy atmosphere. She hadn't had a clue what had gone on, but a day would come for when I would tell her the whole entire story.

I'm coming, Gon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Kinda boring for me to write this chap, I love writing chapters that solely involve Gon lmfaoo. But it felt crucial anyway. One last chapter left >:) )


	20. salt Water [End]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Alluka!" I yelled out, as the girl with black shiny hair and draping cherry blossom clothes ran down the hill onto the beach, kicking up cold sand with each step that brought her nearer toward the water.
> 
> The convertible parked at the edge of the road on top of the hill, under a clear night sky with stars that twinkled brightly and surrounded the moon. 
> 
> The light reflected off the water and illuminated the entire beach. 
> 
> There was a faint pink glow in the horizon, signally the sun was to come up in perhaps just an hour from now.
> 
> I raced after and halted to a stop when Alluka stood in the sand where the waves lapped over her feet. 
> 
> She turned back to me, a bright beautiful smile on her face, and she giggled as if the water that unfurled over her toes was in fact tickling her.
> 
> "Look, Big Brother!"

The familiar street that Gon's house was located on, shortly arrived around the corner, and on the pavement, there was much less snow in the area compared to back near the Zoldyck mansion. Blurry tears continuously kept falling, as Alluka held onto a hand that wasn't occupied with driving, in an attempt to comfort me. 

"Big Brother, are you okay..?" She whispered out, the white air leaving her lips was looking like an ice dragon's breath.

I frantically nodded, but the soft slow sobs that escaped my throat told a different story. Alluka couldn't do a thing, and it visibly frustrated her judging from the look on her face.

"I'll tell you everything one day, I promise." I murmured out shakily, and she nodded her head in understanding. 

The stars glimmered brightly, and the snow glowed on the side of the road. My sensitive nose and ears were starting to become red from the icy wind, so I pressed down onto a button and the convertible's open roof began to close overhead, blocking out our sight of the lamps in the sky. 

The joyfully familiar brick two-story house that belonged to Gon, came into view through the windshield window of the red convertible. Two figures stood waiting on the porch's steps, and I parked the car on the side of the road where I'd usually have it whenever I visited Gon's house about two months ago.

The light of the porch flickered on, revealing Gon with a big black suitcase and he ran down the porch steps to meet me at my car's door. Behind him was surprisingly Ikalgo, who quickly followed after the dark-haired male.

"Killua!" Gon breathed out in the cold air, he dropped his suitcase and pulled me into a tight hug once my feet stepped out of the vehicle and onto the crunchy snow. I melted into his embrace, hiccuping, and sniffling from the trauma I had endured just an hour earlier. 

Alluka opened the car door and stepped out, and I could hear Ikalgo's footsteps get louder the closer he'd got. Gon lifted my face and eagerly pecked the skin under my eyes, where my tears ran and froze along the lines of my cheeks. 

I nuzzled into the kisses from Gon, and then once Ikalgo stood up from behind, I hesitantly pulled away from my loved one's embrace. The red-haired best friend of mine gave me a weak smile, as his eyes brimmed with tears. 

My breath caught in my throat in the realization that I'd be leaving Ikalgo behind for possibly months again. So I pulled him into a hug as well to which he comfortably patted my back. 

"Gon told me the plan, and I had to come to say goodbye." Ikalgo murmured and I pulled away from the brief hug. My hand dragged itself across my eyes in an attempt to wipe away the tears, but they'd just keep coming.

"I'm happy you came, thank you for telling him, Gon." I weakly grinned, but it was very brief due to the grief that uncomfortably and heavily sat on my chest.

Alluka tugged the fabric of Gon's sweater on my torso and I flinched; remembering she was there and turned to her, wrapping my arm around her shoulder. "This is Alluka, my younger sister," I announced to them, and Ikalgo looked surprised.

"You didn't tell me you had a younger sister?" He questioned, and guilt constricted the oxygen in my throat. I only licked my lips in the cold and looked away, because if any words came out, they'd stutter and break.

Alluka gazed up at me with those heartbreaking eyes that were as clear as icicles. I cleared my throat, in an attempt to loosen the hold on my esophagus. "I.. I don't quite even understand it myself.." I mumbled.

Neither Ikalgo nor Gon pressed on, but they both welcomingly smiled at my younger sister, who looked at them awe-struck, like she'd never seen a boy with red hair, nor a boy with tan honey-colored skin, which was different from the pale butlers and relatives.

"I'm Gon, It's nice to meet you." He said so softly and friendly that my skin suddenly felt warm. Alluka hid behind me; grasping Gon's sweater but was clearly infatuated with the two.

"We can't stand around for long here, I'm sure my parents are after me as we speak. I don't want them to see us standing in front of your house, they might.. do something." I hastily spoke out after they introduced themselves to each other, and turned toward Gon.

He nodded and the door to Gon's house creaked open, Aunt Mito stepped in the doorway, her orange hair slicked back and her eyes brimmed with tears. Gon turned to look at her, and his bottom lip visually trembled. 

My heart twisted in my chest, and despite Gon saying he wanted to come himself, I still couldn't shake the feeling away that I was taking him away from Mito. I watched as he bit down on his lip, before running up the steps to hug her at the doorway. 

Another weak smile wore itself on my face, and I turned back to Ikalgo to give him one last hug, before entering inside the driver's side of the convertible. Alluka got back in the backseat and Ikalgo strode back, his footsteps marking an indentation in the cold snow. 

"I'll call you often, I promise," I roll down the windows and tell him as the water kept continuously leaking out of my globes, making them glossy and sensitive against the wintry weather.

Ikalgo lightly kicked at the snow, his hands dug into the pockets of his big coat. "You'd better. I'm going to miss you so much you know?"

"I"m going to miss you too, dammit," I mumbled and Ikalgo softly grinned at my words. It really did do a toll on my heart; to split from Ikalgo again. I rolled the windows back up, before letting my eyes lay back to the two figures at the doorway.

I watched Gon, who seemed to be having a private conversation with Aunt Mito, but soon enough he raced back down the porch and entered through the passenger's side. 

"You okay..?" I ask him, as he let out a sniffle, before closing the car door shut behind him.

Gon rubbed away the weeping tears on his face, and I tried to do the same. "Yeah, I'm fine. Do you want me to drive?"

"No it's okay, you don't have a license right?. And you know you don't have to come with if you're worried about Mito." I mumbled, feeling incredibly guilty seeing Mito's sad face out the window as she stood on the porch. 

Gon grabbed onto my hand, his warm calloused fingers interlacing with mine, which were slender, pale, and soft. "I want to come with you. And I was just thinking because you seem really tired right now." He said softly, his amber eyes gleaming with concern.

My breath hitched, remembering Gotoh's blood that painted Illumi's hands. I squeezed my hand with his and turned the car on before muttering, "I'll manage." Closing my eyes to stop letting any more tears fall. I was thoroughly surprised I still could after so many days of just sinking in the mattress at night and letting sobs escape my throat as I'd burrow my head into the pillow.

"Big Brother, we're going to the ocean right?" Alluka suddenly piped up, from the backseat as I pulled out onto the road. The silhouette of the house and Ikalgo gradually disappeared as the convertible grew farther away.

I leaned my head back, keeping my eyes on the line of asphalt ahead of me. "Yeah, are you excited?" 

Alluka squealed with enthusiasm and vaguely, the corners of my lips softly, and momentarily, curled up. 

She truly showed the innocence of a child who was trapped in the husk of a fifteen-year-old's body. 

~*~

"Alluka!" I yelled out, as the girl with black shiny hair and draping cherry blossom clothes ran down the hill onto the beach, kicking up cold sand with each step that brought her nearer toward the water. 

The convertible parked at the edge of the road on top of the hill, under a clear night sky with stars that twinkled brightly and surrounded the moon. The light reflected off the water and illuminated the entire beach. There was a faint pink glow in the horizon, signally the sun was to come up in perhaps just an hour from now.

I raced after and halted to a stop when Alluka stood in the sand where the waves lapped over her feet. She turned back to me, a bright beautiful smile on her face, and she giggled as if the water that unfurled over her toes was in fact tickling her.

"Look Big Brother! My paintings weren't that far off after all!" She hummed out and pivoted on her heel to look at me with excitement. Her hands were behind her back as the soft cold ocean breeze swayed her hair. 

I licked my lips, tasting the tangy salt in the air before shouting out with worry, "You're going to catch a cold!" My all-black shoes dug into the sand; worrisome, when all of a sudden, two big strong arms wrapped themselves around my waist.

"She'll be fine for a moment, look at how happy she is." Gon whispered into my ear and rested his head onto my shoulders. The horizon gradually was becoming a little brighter as Alluka danced around, bending down to splash up water.

A blush heated up and colored my cheeks, while Gon's protective arms around me made me feel all warm inside despite the blowing wind. I sighed out, catching my breath from running after her before lifting my arm up stroke Gon's tanned cheek.

"You're right." I murmured and my eyes embraced the sight before us. Gon pecked the corner of my jaw and grinned against the skin.

I shuddered at the skim of his lips, but then he pulled away, and latched onto my hand, intertwining our fingers while humming as he took the lead down toward the water and Alluka. My breath caught in my throat, seeing the dazzling moonlight shine off his skin and features.

I kicked off my converse before we reached the shoreline, and my skin shuddered against the salty masses that washed over my ankles. Alluka grinned at me and bent down to cup her hands in the water, before tossing a handful up, showering little drops all over me; causing me to shriek.

Gon laughed at the gesture, and a deep vermillion flooded my cheeks and ears from embarrassment. 

"Hey, Killua," Gon suddenly murmured; a little too grave in the lighthearted atmosphere. 

"Where do you want to go?" He whispered, and as soon as the words escaped his lips, a ray of sunshine peeked from the border and glowed his face, making it appear golden. 

I stifled a giggle from the sudden seriousness that painted over his features, "I want to go everywhere. We'll explore the world, and see everything. Me, you, and Alluka. And one day, get my family imprisoned."

Gon beamed, and I looked at his fascinating freckles that had entranced me from the very beginning.

"I can't wait, Killua."

Note: Lol finally this damned thing is over. Well, the rest is up for you to think and make up. Thank you for reading Unattainable Endearment. :)


End file.
